Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

Sexual Innuendoes Having To Do With Candy That Were Omitted, For Time, From Katy Perry's "California Gurls" Video

• Katy Perry bends over to allow suited day traders to snort colored sugar off her back with Pixy Stix straws.
• Katy Perry solders together both of the Twix bars that come in the wrapper to make a candy version of a double dildo, then shrugs.
• Katy Perry uses Circus Peanuts to dab up the excess moisture from her stomach after her sex partner ejaculates on it.
• Katy Perry puts a roll of Necco wafers up her butt.
• Katy Perry accepts a Werther's Original from her grandpa-sexily!
• Katy Perry bites into a York Peppermint Pattie. Her nipples get hard and then turn into Mike and Ikes. A bird flies by and eats the Mike and Ike nipples. She screams in pain as her candy nipples are ripped off her body, and bleeds real blood.
• Katy Perry binges on baking chocolate she keeps in the pantry to dull the pain of a sex life without intimacy.
• Katy Perry pretends she is blowing a PayDay.
• Katy Perry wears sexy high heeled shoes made out of Toblerone.
• Katy Perry takes off her underpants to reveal that she has a bag of fun-size Hershey miniatures-like the kind you get at the drugstore for Halloween-where her vagina ought to be.

Apparently it is called "Ski Poling"

Julie Klausner has that great book out which, if you haven't bought yet, well, I don't know what to do with you.

50 Comments / Post A Comment

Andrew Spena (#5,540)

Oh man! I simply cannot wait for the iTunes LP version of this that will allow for the true expression of her uncut, high-fructose artistic vision.

Ribs (#2,690)

She got most of these ideas after popping a Mentos in public.

Emily (#20)

HEH!!! gold star!

A.R. Chrisman (#2,964)

Good thing a Zagnut bar was not involved. Sasquatch love those.

deepomega (#1,720)

• Katy Perry exchanges a zagnut bar for sexual favors from a bigfoot. Both are ashamed but also both enjoy the experience. He never calls her back.

A.R. Chrisman (#2,964)

I would love to see a thermal imager video of Katy Perry and a bigfoot surface on Gawker. Maybe the hot stump would show up too!

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Just got my first episode of diabetic shock. Looking forward to finally meeting you, Grandad!

johnpseudonym (#1,452)

I wonder how much Nestle paid for this advertisement posing as music.

jfruh (#713)

Wow. I … I really try not to be a terrible snob about pop music, but that song is terrible. Right? It's not just me? It's an awful, soulless, charmless slab of Autotune?

On the other hand, the image of Snoop Dog in a freakish rust-plaid pimp outfit backed by an army of CGI Gummi Bears is positively delightful.

Miles Klee (#3,657)

but the title is a nod to big star so if you hate this song then you hate alex chilton

A.R. Chrisman (#2,964)

Katy Perry got us again.

deepomega (#1,720)

"• Katy Perry takes off her underpants to reveal that she has a bag of fun-size Hershey miniatures-like the kind you get at the drugstore for Halloween-where her vagina ought to be."

*call me

Bittersweet (#765)

Something something cotton candy pubic hair.

deepomega (#1,720)


saythatscool (#101)

That video needs more vuvuzela and less gummi bears giving me the finger.

Dave Bry (#422)

This list is great.

And that's a sweet suit Snoop is wearing.

deepomega (#1,720)

Get thee to a punnery.

sox (#652)

Well, too bad this didn't come out closer to halloween. Then impressionable young ladies across our great nation could be putting Necco wafers up their butts.

saythatscool (#101)

I've got one keistered right now?

sox (#652)

For treats, I mean.

sox (#652)

You be Hansel and I'll be Gretel?

HiredGoons (#603)

I watched an interview on Entertainment Tonight with her about this.

It was about the stupidest thing I'd seen since yesterday.

HiredGoons (#603)

Also: Roll-O butt plugs.

I won't be watching the video, but I assume that at the end the pieces of candy come to life and tear her limb from limb.

Did you mean Rolo-butt plugs?


HiredGoons (#603)

oh hush. I don't eat candy.

The original video was based on "Birth of a Candy Bar":

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden…my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped Baby Ruth!

saythatscool (#101)


On a completely unrelated topic, we're certain that they're no neurological side effects caused by the Chinese pine nuts?

HiredGoons (#603)


Wish I could take credit for this, but there are 1000s of variations. I remember this from a Doctor Demento show back in the day:


HiredGoons (#603)

My therapist will be sending you a bill.


jolie (#16)

@Clarence: I remember it from the same source! God I LOVED Dr. Demento!!! Did you hear that he's going off the air? *sadsie face*

@Clarence/Jolie: I remember this bit, too! It basically ruined me for candy.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Katy bites down on a 3-inch Gobstopper and all of her teeth fall out. She goes to the dentist, who gives her a set of dentures made of laffy-taffy. Snoop doesn't mind, because now she can give him a gum-job.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Imagine Katy's surprise, when she unzips Snoop's peppermint-stripe slacks and finds a huge chocolate bunny, awaiting!

someone please put me out of my misery

Andrew Gauthier (#3,713)

RT @LadyGaga Using classic board games as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke.

magen (#3,885)

*puts down her York Peppermint Pattie in disgust*

roboloki (#1,724)

after that bulimic wet dream i feel dirty. now i must get fuking pickled.

Ribs (#2,690)

jolla pickled, bra

lawyergay (#220)

I can't believe she pulled one of the eyes off of that gingerbread man AND HE KEPT SMILING.

Was her hand on his gingerdick at the time? Just means gingerbread man is/was straight.

It's called "cross country skiing." And Katy has nice boobies.

saythatscool (#101)


I like when Snoopy thinks he's fighting the Red Baron.

Also does anyone else in a restricted region now where I can watch this terribel, terrible video?

garge (#736)

My god, I think I have a sympathy yeast infection.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Green M&Ms and their libidinous effect on Katy should be worked in here somehow.

MythReindeer (#5,553)

Katy comes out in a bra made of Good and Plenty boxes.

Bunx05 (#1,625)

Wait. I'm confused. Are her boobs ejaculating? Because now I might have to put down my 100 Grand.

barnhouse (#1,326)

I thought she was going to sail away on a beautiful little boat and then suddenly leap off and dash up the stairs of a tiny temple to find a bowl of Friskies waiting for her.

TimChuma (#9,158)

Anyone would think you did not like Ms Perry, criminy!

Don't criticise, just try and do better. Wastes a lot less energy and you end up having much more of a solid foundation upon which to base your arguments when someone asks "yes, but what have *YOU* done that you can say any different?"

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