Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

What The Girls Really Say About 'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse'

Mary: His eyebrows were meh and his fucking sideburns? Okay: bouncer at an Irish bar.

Natasha: Too drum circle.

Natasha: Also there are angles where he looks a little toad-like?

Mary: YES. Because his hairline was too low and his eyebrows were too flat
and his burns encroached.

Mary: Hence… gives bad head.


Mary: This installment was SO not Edward-y enough.

Natasha: NEVER IS!

Mary: Like, really? with your whole, OH I ONLY DO VIRGINS MURRRRRY ME BLABLABLA BORING.

Mary: And not enough voluturi gonna tear my alabaster shit up.

Natasha: But how strong were the fuck fumes during their make out seshies???


Natasha: I was actually squirming and aching! LIKE PLEASE GOD LET BE MEEEEE.

Natasha: I feel like girls who are Team Jacob do not understand that Bella is Fire and Jacob is Fire.

Natasha: Too much fire! Too many feelings!


like so!Natasha: Tay-Tay gets an Oscar for most improved. This time. He really tried to emote with his neck, trads and SOUL.

Mary: I'm totally gonna bone me a dude that wears shorts, no shirts, and trainers with inviso socks.

Mary: Because: HOT and that is SO not my style.


Mary: Oh shit.

Mary: What about IMPRINTING?


Mary: But like, I CAN HAZ THREESOME?

Natasha: Also, I feel like Bella was acting a fool with R. Pattz. You cannot just hop on a wolfbro's bike and expect the most good looking man of the undead to be like "Oh, here girl, imma hold ur purse."

Mary: But you know what was the G move?

Mary: HE HELD HER DAMN PURSE. So to me? Props to Bella.

Natasha: True. That bish was finding herself.
Mary: What was up with everyone "shattering" like they were freeze-dried fruit? Is that the baseline now? I feel like we should've gotten a warning on that.

Natasha: Like the Terminator 2 style nitrogen shit?

Mary: YES.

Natasha: I didn't know that all you had to do to kill a vampire was like… aim??

Natasha: Okay, so my favorite scene when Edward was like, "Girl, In my time I would have courted you…


Natasha: "And we would have drank ice tea on a porch, and maybe stolen a kiss. But I want to marry you before we bang" – (yes, I paraphrase)-

Natasha: And like, damn girl, something inside me was like:

Natasha: 'DEAR GOD, YES'. Fucking get on your knees and tell me you wanna meet my daddy before you go whipping out your peen!

Mary: FASCINATING. That was TOOOOOOTALLY the part I would've ffwd'ed right through because it's sooooooooo die-cut book cover with metallic cursive title.

Natasha: Oh my God.

Mary: I AM FULL ON 100% CLOWNING YOU. I think it's sweet that that's your favorite scene, like, honestly: it makes me want to hug you.

Natasha: It was mad romantic. It made me feel like a lady!

Mary: He is a vampire that is ENOUGH MAKE BELIEVE FOR ME.
Natasha: It's like that scene in SEX AND THE CITY SEASON 6.

Natasha: When Aleksander plays the piano for her and Carrie was like "Too much! Too much!" and I was like, 'No, you go on Russian Billy Joel.'

Mary: Yeah but.. it's so douche chills. OH, speaking of douche chills… pavé cocktail engagement ring BARRRRRRF much? What was that? A shield?!

Natasha: Even Frodo had a doper ring.

Mary: I think that's when the movie broke a little for me and the corny shit Eddie was dishing out was like, wahwahwahwah. I'm not really trying to get a round emery board looking thing for my engagement ring.

Natasha: I was a little miffed that Eddie did not fucking lay it down when Bella was making out with Tay.

Mary: I wasn't. You know what that was?

Natasha: Tell me
Mary: That was SMITH JARED.

Natasha: Oh shit.

Mary: When he waits at the bottom of the elevator after Samantha fucks Richard?

Mary: BOOM.

Natasha: "Just wanted to make sure you got home okay."

Natasha: You're right.

Mary: And THAT is hot.

Natasha: You know, I noticed about David Slade's direction: there were non stop close ups. This is definitely the best crafted but like, when he would pull back and you would see these teenagers being like SADFACE, it felt way silly. So it was a way smart move to keep that shit TIGHT locked on the FACE.

Mary: Also when you're locked so close on the face that you almost can't tell what you're looking at.


Natasha: Like, I can see the appeal of Jacob in that sense.

Mary: I can too.

Natasha: Where he is like, 'No, I want to you have human feelings and a human life. IN MAH TENT."

Mary: Especially when he was like, I AM NOT FUCKING WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE A COLD ONE.

Mary: I don't think I'd turn.

Mary: Would you turn?

Natasha: Damn this is a good question.

Mary: That's like marriage times a MILLION.

Natasha: I don't think I would.

Mary: Like, seriously, what are your options after that? Fuck with Facinelli?
See if Jasper would throw down?

Natasha: And you'd have to hang out in the Dwell/West Elm House O'Cullen.

Mary: "I've always been depressed and out of step so pshaw being a vampire is No Big Deal?"

Mary: THAT is her explanation for wanting to turn? Because you don't want to live like a Cymbalta commercial?

Natasha: Also, WHY DOESN'T DAKOTIES HAVE MORE SCENES??? That bitch is like a mini-Meryl.

Natasha: So, do we feel that this the best of the franchise?

Mary: I do for sure. I will always have a soft spot for #1 because #1 was soooooooooooooo angsty and and I am gay for angst.

Natasha: It was like a Pearl Jam video!

Mary: A Collective Soul video.

Natasha: So overall, highlights include: Jaspsie's southern gentility, tent man-2-man threat of threeway, trip to Philippines via wolfpack.

Natasha: Lowlights include: gaudy ass rings, unruly eyebrowz, too low on much needed angst.

Mary: AND FIN.

45 Comments / Post A Comment

I'm incredibly pleased I invested in Rosetta Stone for Choispeak (with audio companion). My comprehension improved 300% and I'm now fluent in HK!

David Cho (#3)

You can never be fluent, it is always changing.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

even the internet can barely keep up

(hm. futuresecretweapon/code vs. machines?)

Tulletilsynet (#333)

You have to re-up your suspension of lexicon every six minutes, but it's worth it.

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)


Altogether frightening…

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

you and me…

deepomega (#1,720)

Oh god 'nam-style flashback to karaoke from a few weeks ago setting in!

Art Yucko (#1,321)

I started to reply "YOUZnMEEZYEEZ" but I was afraid it would date me.

Peter Flanigan (#4,790)

Post Script, What the fuck was with his hair?

Dan Kois (#646)

Rendering all other reviews (including my own) superfluous, for sure.

belltolls (#184)

Not getting laid is truly the new getting laid.

skahammer (#587)

Finally my time has come.

Carnage Hall (#5,633)

Nothing but puns from you.

Bettytron (#575)

Welp, I'm sold. Bringing a bottle of whiskey to the theater is an unstated requirement, right?

What just happened?

Art Yucko (#1,321)


roboloki (#1,724)


deepomega (#1,720)

You want I should translate for you?

deepomega (#1,720)

Natasha Vargas-Cooper: What are thy feelings regarding the latest talkie to hit the thee-aye-ters, Dusk and Moonlight: Nosferatu's Return?

Mary HK Choi: I enjoyed it in my most secret heart!

Natasha: It was exactly what I desired. [Ed.: looks like her copy editor already took care of this one for me]

Mary: Indubitably!

Mary: The verbal stylings and repartee were much improved over the previous installment.

Mary: With the previous film, I had to imagine that my ears heard the narration of penny dreadful, and imagine so every tenthsecond, to make up for the paucity of dialogue. But this moving picture was more elegantly scribed by far!

Natasha: Please tell me your most preferred vignette.

Mary: I was most enchanted by the ankle-bearing hand-holding in the countryside, albeit concerned by its effect on the minds of any minors who might sneak into the balcony to see this film.


Art Yucko (#1,321)

Good LORD, young fraternal brother, firstly, allow me to ICE thee with a hand-blown Venetian snifter of the most dreadful Armangnac.
Whither your indomitable service in undying gratitude of Ye Oldes, thou should be commkeaksdnm ck-0

(what the Youth of Today jovially refer to as "keyborde" doth vex me cobbled fingers!)][]

KarenUhOh (#19)

I'll be on the train.

Ted Maul (#205)

You guys are the best. I kind of want to see the movie now.

Traci Olsen (#5,808)

Edward and Bella not getting laid = my husband getting laid A LOT. That is hot stuff.

Also? Despite the bad hair, Major Whitlock and his hot accent make my panties melt. rowr, call me ma'am again, sir.

garge (#736)

I can't read the post, because of spoilers (I am waiting until they all come out on blu ray [ok, hi-qual torrent]), but this is exactly the flavor I am looking for.

I don't know who Whitlock is, but TEAM EDWARD.

MollyculeTheory (#4,519)

Love this.

jennie (#25)

i like drum circle

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Srsly, I hope Umberto Eco is taking noatse

Is noatse like goatse but with semiological drift?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

(I had a feeling I could count on you, Paul Krugmensch.)

alison (#14)

I was already counting the hours and now this?? And yes, team Edward, always.

hungrybee (#2,091)

Those sideburns are now known as Irish Bar Bouncers. In-fucking-deed.

AgnosticTheocrat (#4,884)

So does this mean I have to shave my beard?

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

yo natasha, what are trads?

deepomega (#1,720)

Traditions. He's a traditional man with traditional values. (No homo)

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

GAY (pause)

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

oh snap! PAWS, SON, PAWS!

deepomega (#1,720)


Art Yucko (#1,321)

paws son pa,mxcc,mv,xvzx,c.,v

Girl, those are the thick as neck muscles that he flared when HONNGGRRYY

chandraisgreat (#5,812)

omg i lol'd for days, it reads the same way me and my bestfriend talk. 5 stars!!

Slava (#216)


Art Yucko (#1,321)

#Shameless MOLLSBAIT

balsa_wood (#465)

We've hit the Painful Self-Awareness of Painful Self-Awareness phase of Movie Talkz, or whatever these are called. (Has "flicked off" been retired?)

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