What do young women really talk about when they talk about The Twilight Saga: Eclipse? We asked experts Mary HK Choi and Natasha Vargas-Cooper to fill us in. Warning: contains spoilers, multiple pop culture references and graphic sexual language! Their analysis may also cause sudden-onset epilepsy in people under 18 or over 33.
Natasha Vargas-Cooper: What are your loins telling you about Twilight Part 3. Sparklequest?
Mary HK Choi: WELLZ. I LOVED it!
Natasha: It was exactly what I desired.
Mary: EXACTLY.
Mary: Plus? The dialogue was better this time.
Mary: Last time, I had to re-up my understandingness and suspension of disbelief every 6 seconds because of the dialogue. This time? DID NOT HAVE TO.
Natasha: What was your favorite scene!?
Mary: Well, honestly, I know everyone's gonna be on some bean-diddling masturbation ish with the big "tent scene."
Mary: And of course I too had wondered about the Edward and Jacob "tent scene."
Natasha: Brokeback 2k10!
Mary: With ripstop nylon.
Natasha: MAD HOMO VIBES.
Mary: McGOTES.
Natasha: SOOOO HOT.
Mary: Young pretty homos HOT!
Natasha: I was like, SLEEPING BAG TAG TEAM: ENGAGE!
Mary: Also Bella is on FULL REM-STATE SLEEP mode.
Mary: I could have definitely gone in on some meaningful glances, knuckle grazing with the forefinger.
Natasha: With wolf boy's boner in her back!
Mary: LUPINE TUMESCENCE.
Natasha: Was your audience Team Edward or Team Jacob this time?
Mary: My area (I was sitting with the youngs) were hard core Cullen fans.
Mary: But there was a concentration of TEAM JACOB people clustered in the center of the screening and they were losing their damn minds.
Mary: YO but you know what?
Mary: NEW TEAM: TEAM JASPER.
Natasha: LETS TALK ON JASP.
Mary: I mean, OK, tooootally racist because he was a Confederate soldier,
because Confederate, BUT he was being manipulated by one of your peoples!
Natasha: The Chola Coven of Vampires!
Natasha: This Jasper kid is amazing but can he act?
Mary: No way. Beside the point.
Natasha: Does it matter?? With those rascaly racist eyes!
Mary: Tooootally not the point! His eyes ruuuuuuled in Twilight 1 & 2 and then we were REWARDED and his accent was HILARIOUS and his hair is soooo CRONCHY!
Mary: And I love it all to pieces
Natasha: RUFFLED SHIRT!
Mary: YES BUT, and this is what got me: total merciless killer.
Mary: Cold hearted snake.
Mary: COLD ONE.
Natasha: Killer of children!
Mary: Yes and I dig that. It shows... fortitude.
Natasha: Yes, let's talk about the newborn vampires.
Mary: To me, it was like, blablablabla and I hated that one bunbun vampire baby, zzzzzzzzSNOREzzzzzzz.
Natasha: This how I felt about the reservation scenes! I was like, "Hush up Hawaiians!" I NEED MORE ABS IN MY EYES.
Mary: The folklore!
Mary: GAWD.
Mary: It's like being invited to a party and having to go to CHURCH. Like, ew, really? Fireside tabernacle?
Natasha: Where does your loyalty lie on this 3rd installment? And why are girls Team Jacob in first place?
Mary: You know I am 100% team Edward.
Mary: BUT.
Mary: I was mad at Edward's groomer this installment.
Natasha: WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH HIS HAIR?
Next: What the fuck was with his hair?
I'm incredibly pleased I invested in Rosetta Stone for Choispeak (with audio companion). My comprehension improved 300% and I'm now fluent in HK!
You can never be fluent, it is always changing.
even the internet can barely keep up
(hm. futuresecretweapon/code vs. machines?)
You have to re-up your suspension of lexicon every six minutes, but it's worth it.
"CHOISPEAK I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN'/SO PLEASE STOP EXPLAINING/DON'T TELL ME CAUSE IT HURTS... "
Altogether frightening...
you and me...
Oh god 'nam-style flashback to karaoke from a few weeks ago setting in!
I started to reply "YOUZnMEEZYEEZ" but I was afraid it would date me.
Post Script, What the fuck was with his hair?
Rendering all other reviews (including my own) superfluous, for sure.
Not getting laid is truly the new getting laid.
Finally my time has come.
Nothing but puns from you.
Welp, I'm sold. Bringing a bottle of whiskey to the theater is an unstated requirement, right?
What just happened?
TO;CU
HA!
You want I should translate for you?
Natasha Vargas-Cooper: What are thy feelings regarding the latest talkie to hit the thee-aye-ters, Dusk and Moonlight: Nosferatu's Return?
Mary HK Choi: I enjoyed it in my most secret heart!
Natasha: It was exactly what I desired. [Ed.: looks like her copy editor already took care of this one for me]
Mary: Indubitably!
Mary: The verbal stylings and repartee were much improved over the previous installment.
Mary: With the previous film, I had to imagine that my ears heard the narration of penny dreadful, and imagine so every tenthsecond, to make up for the paucity of dialogue. But this moving picture was more elegantly scribed by far!
Natasha: Please tell me your most preferred vignette.
Mary: I was most enchanted by the ankle-bearing hand-holding in the countryside, albeit concerned by its effect on the minds of any minors who might sneak into the balcony to see this film.
[&c]
Good LORD, young fraternal brother, firstly, allow me to ICE thee with a hand-blown Venetian snifter of the most dreadful Armangnac.
Whither your indomitable service in undying gratitude of Ye Oldes, thou should be commkeaksdnm ck-0
(what the Youth of Today jovially refer to as "keyborde" doth vex me cobbled fingers!)][]
I'll be on the train.
You guys are the best. I kind of want to see the movie now.
Edward and Bella not getting laid = my husband getting laid A LOT. That is hot stuff.
Also? Despite the bad hair, Major Whitlock and his hot accent make my panties melt. rowr, call me ma'am again, sir.
I can't read the post, because of spoilers (I am waiting until they all come out on blu ray [ok, hi-qual torrent]), but this is exactly the flavor I am looking for.
I don't know who Whitlock is, but TEAM EDWARD.
Love this.
i like drum circle
Srsly, I hope Umberto Eco is taking noatse
Is noatse like goatse but with semiological drift?
(I had a feeling I could count on you, Paul Krugmensch.)
Unreal!
I was already counting the hours and now this?? And yes, team Edward, always.
Those sideburns are now known as Irish Bar Bouncers. In-fucking-deed.
So does this mean I have to shave my beard?
yo natasha, what are trads?
Traditions. He's a traditional man with traditional values. (No homo)
GAY (pause)
oh snap! PAWS, SON, PAWS!
ajdisoadjsla
paws son pa,mxcc,mv,xvzx,c.,v
Girl, those are the thick as neck muscles that he flared when HONNGGRRYY
omg i lol'd for days, it reads the same way me and my bestfriend talk. 5 stars!!
4DAZE
#Shameless MOLLSBAIT
We've hit the Painful Self-Awareness of Painful Self-Awareness phase of Movie Talkz, or whatever these are called. (Has "flicked off" been retired?)