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Presenting My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress, in which a man with a whole lot of issues with his ex and a hankering for a book deal uses the dress his former spouse married him in to do things like play jump rope, wash the dishes, strain pasta, and floss his teeth. (Not in that order, although he does do the flossing after using the thing as a gym towel. Ew.) Can't wait for the answer blog, My Ex-Husband's Sociopathic Nature And Kind Of Gross Attitudes Towards Personal Cleanliness, to launch!
The book in which they make wedding dresses out of jump ropes and dental floss was on a card table in front of my Barnes and Noble last Saturday for $1.99.
His sequel? My Ex-Wife's Corpse. It's gonna be a pop-up.
For a moment there I thought you meant he was posing the dress doing all the things his wife used to do around the house, with the symbolism of the empty dress suggesting the empty place in his life. And I was thinking, only the internet could come up with such a weird combination of bittersweet and kinda chauvinist!
Then the 'gym towel' line brought what I was picturing back in line with the sad reality. More a combination of creepy and really fucking creepy, OK?
This is the form his grief has taken. Who among us has not been driven to flossing by a divorce?
Why, Flossy, why why why?
I unsuccessfully tried to convince my now-wife to fashion her wedding dress out of ShamWows.
It would have gone so well with a bouquet of SlapChops, too.
Does she know you refer to her as your now-wife? If so I don't expect you have very much sex.
I thought that basically came with the "wife" territory.
@HG, Dr.D: True. At least not with the wife. [rimshot]
meanwhile, i totally thought he was jump roping, washing the dishes, etc while WEARING the wedding dress. Which would be pretty funny.
See? SO MANY ways to make it funny, and he zeroed in on the one that's like a photon torpedo up the thermal exhaust port of having a love life ever again.
Sort of like I just did with that analogy.
I think this guy did it better: http://www.snopes.com/love/revenge/weddress.asp. A little bitter, but not mean. And it didn't drag on for 101 versions.
Yeah, the ebay dress guy was funny. This guy has just gone TOO far.
I hope he doesn't expect this to get him any dates.
Nothing I like better than a lacy, beaded gym towel. Feels real good on the man-parts, yessiree!
I ALWAYS exfoliate to 'get over' pretty much everything.
Meanwhile, ex-wife is clicking through his blog and saying to her new sweetie, "Yep. Twelve years. Now do you understand why I won't move in with you?"
I feel like someone needs to intervene, but unfortunately he has no friends left.
I bet he takes her back.