Tuesday, May 18th, 2010
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Today in Facebook Status Updates: Who’s Masturbating Now?

FACEBOOK! IT'S MAGIC!Thanks to the glory of the Internet, you can now learn more than just what your Facebook friends are up to; you can also get intimate updates on the lives of total strangers. Your Open Book uses theFacebook API to enable anyone to search all public status updates by keywords. And given that Facebook changed its privacy settings last December to make all status updates visible to the entire Internet by default (unless users changed them back a more restricted setting), most Facebook status updates these days are probably public ones-whether the people who posted them know it or not.

I just tested out the new site by typing in the word "masturbating," and below are some of the results I got. Some are joking. And for others, it's possible some of these folks know that they're telling the whole world how much they (or their family members) love to love themselves. Or maybe they're just really overshare-y. Either way, they probably fall into the category that a certain corporate CEO might have called "dumb fucks" back in his college years, although he'd probably opt for the more polite term "users" today.

Anyway, on to the updates…. let's see who's been masturbating.

nicky
Nicky likes to hear from you, but has priorities.

clariie
Clariie is not afraid of splinters.

jordan
Jordan may be from near the "Show Me" state, but is probably still in big trouble with his Mom.

ladii
Ladii just gave her son JoeJoe something new to talk to his therapist about 20 years from now.

andy
Andy has been bringing new meaning to the word "carjacking."

grace
Grace is skilled at online/offline multitasking.

Neat. When next we troll the Facebook status archives, perhaps we'll look for something a little less personal… like who's been afflicted with crabs or irritable bowel syndrome. Until then, happy updating, Facebook Nation!

81 Comments / Post A Comment

Ronit (#1,557)

Missouri is the "Show Me" state. Not Iowa. Missouri.

Ronit (#1,557)

FAIL

I know.

It says he's from "NEAR the Show Me state" — not that he's "from the Show Me state."

NEAR not FROM. Iowa is near Missouri.

Jeez. Tough crowd.

tigolbitties (#2,150)

i got it and thought it was clever hippity!!

Don't you come in here and DRIVE-BY "FAIL" PEOPLE when you're actually MISREADING. Oy! You'll be the death of me! :)

Ronit (#1,557)

I WAS DRIVE BY FAILING MY OWN INITIAL POST. SORRY.

These last posts of the day can lead to some things!

jagorev, I got what you were doing. It's okay. It's oooookay.

It's ok, I understand. You FAILed yourself!

But you should never FAIL yourself.

According to FB status updates, we're all FAILing ourselves.

You can only FAIL yourself.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

"Hug Tits" for school mascot

I feel for the kid. It's hard not to stare at hug tits.

Bittersweet (#765)

Sounds more like a suggestion than a mascot…

sox (#652)

My tits are pretty average but I could use a hug?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

I'm contractually obligated to a (fantastic) pair myself. Could someone help her out? *call her

Andy Rosenberger (#3,872)

Wow! Awesome! My home state made it onto the Awl! Yeah Iowa!

…..oh, oh fuck you guys.

We're the Hawkeye state, by the way. Which I'm nearly positive is only because that is the nickname of the University of Iowa's sports teams, and the sports reporters throughout the state were not interested in being creative, so they wanted a reason to write "It's a ____ State!" as the headline every time one of the other schools beat the U of I. Maybe I need to be fact-checked, but I'm sure that is the origin.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

You don't need to be fact checked but you do need to read more closely. See Mr. Hip's comment above.

I KNOW THAT IOWA IS NOT THE SHOW ME STATE.

See my comment above!

wb (#2,214)

This Iowan read it right. +10 points for CORRECT Midwestern geography, MisterHippity.

petejayhawk (#1,249)

The important thing here is to watch for cops when you cross from Missouri (THE SHOW-ME STATE) into Iowa (THE HAWKEYE STATE). They like to camp out on the far side of the forest island thing between the lanes on I-35. It's not as big of a deal now that Iowa raised its speed limit to 70, but one must still be mindful of the speed traps.

Not afraid to be servicey.

Yes, because Iowa is NEAR Missouri, just like my post says that kid lives NEAR the Show Me state!

Hey, what is it that nickname they call people from Kansas again? Sooners, right? Yeah, Sooners, that's it …

Ronit (#1,557)

Pretty sure they're called "Hoosiers"

I thought that was Canadians?

Oh wait … I was thinking of "Hosers." Never mind.

petejayhawk (#1,249)

Look, I KNOW that, Ned. But I'm just trying to be HELPFUL for the next time one of you east coast elitist bastards finds yourself driving from Kansas City to Chicago. I AM NOT AFRAID TO BE SERVICEY. I AM ALSO DRUNK.

But are you masturbating?

Pete – Your servicy-ness is appreciated!

I will remember your advice one day when I retire, buy a Winnebago and drive it cross-country – and when I do, I'll save myself a speeding ticket at the Iowa border, thanks to you!

Actually, I'll probably forget, because I'll be an old man. But I'll try to remember.

Hoosiers are from Indiana.

Whos are from Whoville.

Eric Spiegelman (#3,968)

Hey guys, I may be wrong about this? But I don't think Iowa is the "Show Me" state. Iowa is the Buckeye State.

DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU TOO.

The Internet: Everyone Needs To Slow Down. Make that a t-shirt please!

wb (#2,214)

You're kidding, right? Indiana is the Buckeye state. Iowa = Hawkeye state.

What? HAWKEYE WAS FROM MAINE!

Doesn't anyone watch M*A*S*H reruns?

State of Confusion.

@wb And Illinois is the land of Linked In.

oudemia (#177)

@wb: You're making poor Ohio cry right now.

wb (#2,214)

@oudemia Wow, I actually wrote that? I'm never attempting to correct someone ever again. Ohio is the Buckeye state. Yes, of course.

Liquid (#546)

Just to draw attention *away* from Ned's lack of knowledge of State nicknames:
For an English (and therefore more refined) experience, 'Having a wank' also has some gems. My favourite so far is – "Sam _____ – just hit a new low by having a wank in mcdonalds."
Brutal. Honest.

There was another FB status update from an English gent which I considered including in this piece, but opted to drop at the last minute. It said:

"Put my finger up my bum whilst masturbating before. Bit strange but actually quite enjoyed it. :)"

What struck me was the elegance of the conjunction "whilst" being used to connect those two particular activities.

Also, in my head, I kept hearing it in Hugh Grant-like voice.

Eric Spiegelman (#3,968)

Ohio is the "Slow me" state.

Ronit (#1,557)

New Jersey is the "Blow Me" state.

gumplr (#66)

Hawaii is the "Don Ho Me" state.

LondonLee (#922)

A man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him he has to stop masturbating.

"But why?" the man says "I really enjoy it"

"Because I'm trying to examine you" the doctor replies.

That is one of the three jokes that kept coming up when I did this search! People really like to post jokes in their FB status updates.

The most common status update that came up under this search term was this quote from "The Hangover":

"Counting cards isn't illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane."

For some reason, FB users love to post that as a status update.

Ok, here are the other two jokes that kept popping up repeatedly in FB status updates when I did this search:

1. "I went to a fortune teller last week. She studied my hand and said, 'You have been masturbating.' I said, 'Hey, you're good! Can you tell me anything about my future?' She looked at my face and said. 'You'll be doing it for a very long time.'"

2. "A father walked in on his son masturbating, and the guy told the kid, 'If you don't quit doing that, you'll go blind.' And the kid said, 'Dad, I'm over here!'"

HiredGoons (#603)

Nicky needs to *call me

He'll have to use the hands-free set, obv

HiredGoons (#603)

FINALLY a use for the Blue Tooth for people OTHER than commuters!

Tuna Surprise (#573)

No hits for crying and masturbating? I guess I need to update my FB status.

sox (#652)

Did you try chooching? Maybe there are multiple spellings?

C_Webb (#855)

I think Ladii is Jordan's mom. (While JoeJoe isn't usually short for Jordan, Ladii isn't usually spelled with two i's, or one, even.)

P.S. Apologies if this doub;e/triple posts. The login hates me.

mmmark (#4,458)

I like how this arrives with the Awl-comments/Facebook fusion.

Steve (#1,777)

I just disabled my facebook page.

Ok, time for a public service announcement … Here's how to change your the privacy setting on your Facebook status updates so that they're don't visible to the whole world by default:

1. Click the "Account" link in the upper right-hand corner of the Facebook homepage

2. Select "Privacy Settings."

3. Select "Personal Information and Posts."

4. Under "Posts by Me" (which includes status updates), change the default from "Everyone" to a more restricted privacy setting.

Once you've ventured into the "Privacy Settings" area, by the way, you should click around for a while and see if there's anything else the could use changing while you're at it. You'd be amazed how many things are set to "Everyone" by default these days.

HelloTitty (#830)

Or use this handy item to check ALL your settings:
http://www.reclaimprivacy.org/facebook

Bittersweet (#765)

Other thing to check in Privacy Settings is 'Instant Personalization Pilot Program.' Uncheck the box at the bottom to make sure 'select partners' can't see how much you're chooching.

@HelloTitty @Bittersweet: Servicey! Thanks!

My lecture fee on the evils of masturbation is $15,000.

Hey, you! I saw you in New York magazine – in that piece Doree wrote about commenters. You were the Awl commenter – "The Wisenheimer"!

You wisenheimer, you!

kneetoe (#1,881)

@NotAC: Next time when you masturbate, pull out.

MikeBarthel (#1,884)

So after typing in the normal salacious things, I for some reason then decided to try to find the most depressing status updates possible. Here are a few to start you off:

hate myself
"baby died"
rip
getting divorced

One one hand, I am incredulous that you chose to protect the identities of the dimwitted. On the other hand, obscuring their last names means they probably won't be joining us as commenters–so thanks!

Noe Sym (#3,455)

I searched "miscarriage" last night and couldn't believe the things people were putting up there. I went through pages and pages and they were only from that day. Insane. Sad. Tragic.

"Insane. Sad. Tragic."

Yes, these people are.

AmyGee (#2,788)

Wow. I looked at this last night and there were at least 50 "I hate my boss" status updates. Now there aren't any. Also zero hits: "Wanking". That was quick!

Must have been a glitch? Lots of results for both searches appear now.

For a second there, you had me wondering whether Facebook had monkeyed with the search API that this site uses, in order to block "sensitive" topics …

AmyGee (#2,788)

Oh, for a minute there, my faith in humanity was restored. I'm such a sucker.

Dave Bry (#422)

"Who's Masturbating Now" is my favorite Journey song.

I'm kind of partial to "Any Way You Whack It" myself.

MaryHaines (#3,666)

So I have this theory that there's a big overlap between the group of people likely to post status updates like this (whether or not they're accurately representing their current state) and the group of people who haven't bothered, and will never bother, to check and adjust their privacy settings. I suppose that means you'd find a proportionately lower number of gross status updates in the privacy-controlled population, if you could search them. But you can't, so my theory will NEVER BE DISPROVED and I'll just go on thinking I'm right.

You should make a Venn diagram!

The world can never have enough Venn diagrams!

There are some unfortunate correlates: age, kr8tively-spelled names, region… but let's face it, uncontroversial Facebook updates (personal press releases, as it were) lame out big-time. These users are what makes Facebook a hilarious unproductive time suck.

I can't wait for the summer flick when people's ACTUAL THOUGHTS magically appear on their Facebook walls, devoid of privacy settings, due to THE MACHINES. Horror and comedy all-in-one!

atypique (#3,437)

Holy shit! I think I just discovered a new trend: Facebook status plagiarism. I tried searching for the saying "The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do". After two minutes, Openbook is still returning matches.

Are people really that desperate to market themselves that they will steal another person's Farcebook status if it has a nice ring to it?

roboloki (#1,724)

fuck facebook. seriously.

cherrispryte (#444)

Come now. People are nothing if not depressingly desperate.

Hi, and welcome to The Awl. Please have a seat over here. Balk will be with you in a moment. Can Choire get you a cocktail?

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