24 Answers To Unanswered Questions About "24"

"Lost" wasn't the only show to air its series finale this week. After eight seasons, Fox's action/adventure series "24" also drew to a close last evening. You may have some questions about it! Let's address those.

Wait, did you really watch "24"?

Fuck no. I've seen like 3 episodes ever. I think Dennis Hopper was in one of them?

So how are you going to explain the finale to me?

I didn't say I was gonna explain shit. I just said you may have some questions that I would address. Doesn't mean it's gonna be helpful.

But what if I really have questions about "24"?

Then there is something very sad and wrong about you. The idea that you've been following eight years of glorified torture porn which fetishizes the shredding of our fundamental national premises-I mean, the show is esentially a revenge fantasy/training kit for fascism with a couple of doubts thrown in to provide "nuance" and ensure that it is not basically 48 minutes each week of someone taking a dump on the Constitution and then setting it on fire-and you're still unclear about what happened is a very serious indicator that you've got some issues.

I ought to garrotte you with the power cord from your laptop until you give me the information I want to know.

That's not a question. But, sigh, fine. Here: Jack lives. Plus he went on one last "cathartic killing jag."

Really?

I guess so. I mean, that's what Alessandra Stanley says in the Times, so take it with a grain of salt, but sure. They're doing a movie next, so of course he wasn't gonna die.

I guess that makes sense. What about the Russians?

Don't press your luck. This is about as much as I know and I'm sorry that I even know this much. I mean, you're the fan of the show, why didn't you watch it yourself?

Celtics game was on.

Oh, MAN. WTF? It's funny, at first the Magic was the team I was MOST AFRAID of in the playoffs. I reckoned if we got past them we were winning it all.

I know, right? Dwight Howard scared the shit out of me!

And then when we took the first three, I was like, here comes the sweep! So then to see last night-and the Celtics STILL looked good, although not, obviously, good enough-it was somehow even more disheartening.

Yeah. But it was just one game. It's still a 3-1 series.

You're right, of course. I was just surprised and probably more disappointed than I would have been if they hadn't been making it look so easy so far.

Yeah. I probably should have just watched "24."

Well, I wouldn't go that far. It's like the source material for a right-wing jackoff party. How can you watch that shit?

Come on, parts of it were entertaining. They did some really suspenseful stuff.

Eh, I guess I can't really speak to that. I know they had a black president or something before that was cool, so I guess I can give them points on that.

And Mary Lynn Rajskub!

I can never forgive her for breaking David Cross' heart.

That was a long time ago. He's moved on now. You really need to let it go.

They just seemed so perfect together!

You're right. But people change. They grow apart. They move on. That's the way life is. We need to accept it, and sometimes even celebrate it. Change does not always have to be bad. Sometimes it's traumatic, sure, and sometimes it hurts hard, for a long time. But once you make it through you realize that it was all for the best, and that life has a way of teaching you lessons you never thought you needed to know.

That's… really true. Thanks, I needed to hear that. You're pretty smart, for a "24" fan.

Oooh, burn.

So, uh, do we really need to play this string out? I mean, I know it says "24 answers" at the top, but I'm kind of thinking we've gone as far as we can on this one.

How many do we have left to do?

I dunno, ten or so? I'm not gonna waste any time going back to count. I've still got to find some art for this sucker, stick in the tags, etc., and I've got about 3 minutes to do that or I'm going to miss schedule.

I guess it's fine. I doubt anyone will notice.

Right? It's the Internet! Who's really paying attention that closely? You scan for the information you need and then move on. Detail is unimportant.

You buy that whole theory? That it's changing the way we process information?

Oh, for sure. You do this as long as I have you realize pretty quick that nobody reads every sentence. Especially in long posts like this. The way we learn now means that vast chunks of text go completely overlooked. Which is not necessarily terrible. If people are becoming more efficient in the way they obtain information, that is something of an improvement, right? I see it as a necessary evil, like AIDS.

Holy shit, did you really just say that?

Shhh. I'm telling you, it is not even going to register with 99% of the people who are reading this. They're just skimming, and so long as I don't mention that certain television show these are just clumps of letters arranged together with occasional spaces that separate them.

What about the other 1%?

Well, the ones who get that it's a joke will laugh, and the ones that don't will be OUTRAGED. Those are the ones I'm counting on for pageviews. It's evil, sure, but it's a living.

But not much-

-not much of one, no.

We going out on that joke?

Might as well. I'm gonna go work on the next post. You go watch your DVR'd "24."

Fine by me.

But dude, let me warn you.

Yes?

Hurley dies.