Tao of Dow: Nike Exploits Earl Woods, Toonces, Orville Redenbacher
The Awl's Morning Market Report:
•The Dow Jones Industrial Average slipped again this morning after yesterday's disappointing close (at 10945, down 26 points for the day) as investors expressed reservations about Nike's puzzling new Tiger Woods commercial, which features Tiger's dead father Earl in a vaguely judgmental voiceover while the embattled golfer sits silently in the passenger seat of a car driven by Toonces the Driving Cat, who swerves to avoid a reanimated Orville Redenbacher, before hitting a tree in front of Woods' home.
• The Nasdaq is flat this morning as investors debated the look Woods has on his face in the Nike spot. Some analysts maintain that it conveys something along the lines of "Hold you down while I choke you," while others read it as "TOONCES, LOOK OUT!!!!!!"
Uh… Toonces driving skillz should send the market into effluvient fluctuative effervascia, or something Greenspan said.
GREENSPAN, LOOK OUT!!!!!!
BERNANKE, WHAT IN THE EARL OF REDENBACHER ARE YOU DOING!!!!???
Greenspan testified "Tiger Wood's problems were caused by excessive exuberance."
They were going to have Fred Astaire dance with a vacuum cleaner but they thought it was tasteless.
FRED ASTAIRE, LOOK OUT!!!!!!
Ah, the commodification of shame! This will not turn out well for anyone.
Except for Nike and Tiger.
Damn straight! I think the flaming bag of dog poo will be handed to the next celebrity philanderer who tries this stunt.
What I want to know is what did poor Toonces do to get dragged into this man-slutty mess?
He's just a cat! A cat who can drive a car!!!