Tao of Dow for April 6: Standing Cat Is Watching You
The Awl's Morning Market Report:
• The Dow Jones Industrial Average added 46 points on Monday to close at 10,973.55 as investors greeted the news that Standing Cat Is Watching You. Stocks slipped this morning, though, as Wall Street parsed rumors that Standing Cat may just be some Asian chick in a really convincing cat suit.
• The Nasdaq picked up 26.95 points to close at 2429.53 on Monday as tech investors digested news of a possible Sandra Bullock/Jesse James sex tape — which, if it actually exists (a big if), would be the first non-male-on-male celebrity sex tape to feature two mustaches (Hitler and Dirty Sanchez). The Nasdaq gave up some of its gains this morning as investors realized that, should the tape surface, it may not play on the Apple's new iPad, which lacks Flash support for video playback.
My fingers are crossed for Sandra Bullock getting the Oscar again next year. Insert anal joke here.
Could you uncross your fingers first? That'll make it easier.
(blinking)
If anyone happens to think that standing cat is standing because he has agonizing hip dysplasia or some such, kindly keep this information to yourself.
I think we can safely diagnose Standing Cat's present condition as an acute case of iwannaclawandbeatthelivingshitoutofthatannoyingcatfromnextdoorisplasic hypertrophy.
How does Standing Cat affect Bieber Futures convertible to Euro-yen?
The Euro is down so far today, Bieber futures are up again, but Standing Cat trading is mixed as investor express concern over rumors that it may be suffering from agonizing hip dysplasia (a rumor started by — gah! — Awl commenter gumplr), which could affect its ability to serve as the opening act for Justin Bieber's rumored fall European tour.
I am shorting Standing Cat like Joe Catsano.