Tao of Dow: Awesome Taiwanese Boy Out-Whitneys Whitney; Man-Sized Lizard Has Two Penises
The Awl's Morning Market Report:
• The Dow Jones Industrial Average dipped this morning after yesterday's essentially flat close (at 10970, down 3.5 points for the day), as investors grew increasingly spooked by this AWESOME Taiwanese kid who can out-Whitney Whitney Houston – in her current state, at least. (Just Jared IDs the boy as Lin Yu Chun, and the show he sang on is Taiwan's "American Idol"-esque "Super Star Avenue.") Sure, the kid can belt it out, but is being the next Whitney Houston really a good thing? Especially considering that the actual Whitney Houston has just been hospitalized in Paris with "chronic rhinopharyngitis, a swelling of the mucus membranes in the nose and pharynx"? And does this kid now have to find his own Taiwanese Bobby Brown?
• Justin Bieber futures are down sharply this morning as investors expressed fears that Lin Yu Chun's particular style of bowl haircut could take off as his star rises, potentially reducing market demand for the no-forehead-whatsoever Bieber Bangs look.
• The Nasdaq is also down this morning (after yesterday's close at 2437, up 7 points) because SCIENTISTS JUST FOUND A MAN-SIZED LIZARD THAT HAS TWO PENISES!
Simon Dumenco is The Awl's Senior Wall Street Correspondent and Lin Yu Chun Bureau Chief.
It's a common mistake, but "I will Always Love You" is actually a Dolly Parton song. I've been to Dollywood. I KNOW.
Yes, no, THAT we know. (WE ARE GAYS!) He is just singing the Whitney interpretation here (rather note for note). Like you, I of course prefer the Dolly!
And here's Dolly awesomely singing her own awesome version of her awesome song: http://bit.ly/cD2kyE
Oh thank GOD. I was worried for a moment there.
But is there a woman-sized lizard with two vaginas? Would this be considered a three-way, even with only two lizards?
Oh yeah, what about double anal penetration? Me confused.
DVDA?
Man, The Sun is out-discovering The Discovery Channel. I'm a fan of Discovery's Jennifer Viegas, but she didn't even MENTION the two-penises part in her report of the new lizard discovery.
I'm enjoying the Tao of Dow very much.
Thank you. That means a lot coming from Dave "One Penis" Bry.
Most lizards (and snakes) have two penises, so this isn't actually surprising or news: they're called hemipenes.
Thank you. That means a lot coming from Chairman "Unipene" Meow.
This brings me great pleasure. I can now say, "It's got a hemi." During natural resource discussions in my office. Go LEARNING.
I don't know who this guy is, but I wish I had something clever to add on the chance of being awarded a moniker.
Do you really want to be known as "Unipene"?
Well, your argument is airtight. I must have some inner void of hypocorism :(
I love the Tao of Dow!
"… the actual Whitney Houston has just been hospitalized in Paris with 'chronic rhinopharyngitis, a swelling of the mucus membranes in the nose and pharynx'"?
Where are Bobby Brown's fingers when you need them?
Tee-hee. "Doodie bubble".
Usually when something is called "man-sized," I have to scoff. But in this case these lizards really are 6'6" so I guess the characterization is accurate. And they have twice as many dicks as I.
Well if I had two penises, I too would be secretive.
The Market Report is my favorite Awl feature since the Shift Memo.