Mouthfeel: "Everybody's Nuts" Fraud Nuts Are Disgusting, Fraudulent
These Everybody's Nuts brand pistachios were on sale at the Giant, right by the regular pistachios, and I was feeling cheap and in a hurry so I bought them. They are terrible.
I should have known not to buy pistachios that come in flavors. Pistachios should taste like pistachios and salt. But so I tried to get the most normal-sounding flavors I could: one bag of "European roast" and one of "salt & pepper." Pepper's pretty inoffensive, right?
Does your pepper grinder contain "Yeast Extract"? Because the Everybody's Nuts pistachio company's pepper grinder does! Also "Sugar, Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Dextrose, Lemon Juice Concentrate," and "Natural Flavor." Also known as GENERIC SNACK-FOOD GARBAGE DUST.
Meanwhile the "European roast" contains "Modified Food Starch, Natural Flavor, Malt Vinegar, Spice," and "Apple Cider Vinegar." Is that really how they eat pistachios in Europe? With a mist of SOUR GARBAGE baked onto them?
Everybody's Nuts brand pistachios are atrocious. The point seems to be that Americans are now so trained to eat industrial commodity-food mouth objects instead of food, even actual tasty foodstuffs need to be made to taste like FlaVorChem. Also, the Everybody's Nuts packaging contains lots and lots of wacky text about how every single pistachio nut in the package is always wide open, always. I barely touched the Salt & Pepper bag, yet there was a tightly closed pistachio, right in the first handful. So they are disgusting and they are liars. Nice work. Apparently if I go to the Web site and report the unopened nut, I can get a "FREE bag." Can I make that a bag of unadulterated pistachios, from some other company? Thanks.
Generic Snack-Food Garbage Dust is the nicotine of the obese. It's also what they sprinkle on carpets whenever grade schoolers vomit.
See also, Laura Scudder's new no-stir all natural peanut butter — now containing thickeners and hydrogenated cottonseed/vegetable oil. Terrible mouthfeel, in my opinion, but I bet it sells well overall.
What does Mary HK Choi have to say? I have a feeling she would be less offended.
Hey Tom, I got some nuts to put in your mouth. Rightfuckinhere!!!!!
Read more carefully. He's not interested in anything coated with vinegar and dextrose.
It's a medical thing conklin. Ever since I got back from the Philippines, things haven't been right down there.
You've also got a goiter shaped like Cory Aquino.
That's no goiter. That IS Cory Aquino. She has been soaked in preservatives as well.
I bought some Ferdinand Marcos-scented tampons at a CVS in Manila.
And for $10,000, you'll remove this post?
Our college's campus infirmary didn't function as much more than a pharmacy-cum-drunk tank — mainly because ailments like sore throats and sprained ankles were frequently misdiagnosed as pregnancies, true story — but they did give away free bags a cashews.
Each bag came with tidbits of advice like "Wash your hands," "Don't drink from the same beer cup," or "Cover your mouth when you sneeze."
The most apt, though, was a reminder that "STD screening is available for both men and women."
Because nothing says VD prevention like free nuts.
Heh, cum-drunk.
@petey: the one night stand equivalent to love-drunk.
I used to work at a Science Library, where they accumulated industrial trade-zine titles and newsletters on this very subject… and I can tell you, without uncertainty, that the Perfume and Flavorings Industry has us all by the nuts.
Oh my god, I want to know so much more.
I remember that they were frequently very colorful, glossy, and expensive. Titles such as: "Perfume and Flavourings"… "Flavour and Fragrance Journal"…as well as other fun titles like "Journal of Food Science and Technology" and "Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry"!
…but the BEST were the old Communist RUSSIAN titles. omg. "TEPLOFIZICHESKII I KIMIKH REAKTORNOGO NAUKA. DOKLADY."
Wow, regretting my own inhabited library's genre; fingers crossed something will end up in this year's negotiated e-journal bundles!
Oh, these were some very special stacks. (www.lindahall.org) I still miss that $7/hr. job.
I love this. Can we arrange to have Tom Scocca bronzed?
And perhaps dusted in maltodextrin?
Just dip him in Magic Shell. Same thing.
The closed one was just hiding from the flavor crystals.
Every new member of AshleyMadisondotcom gets a free bag of adulterated nuts. Also, templates for a property settlement agreement.
also, I know I'm not the only one who thinks this, but: "mouthfeel" = DISGUST.
CS: we should call our "eating food" columns "Mouth Feel"
TS: asdl;fjasl;dfjaf
CS: HA
such a GROSS PHRASE
TS: Isn't it one word? "Mouthfeel"?
CS: OMG IT IS
ugh so newspeak!
TS: But, see, I like the word "mouthfeel" because of that. It is scary and offensive and disgusting in exactly the way that the concept it describes is.
CS: totally!
alskhklashfklhaslfh BONUS COMMENT THREAD SHADOW EDITORS?!?!?!
This will have to go in the special features on the bonus DVD of Shadow Editors.
Did you guys know the reason that foods containing vegetable shortening have that particular mouthfeel is because shortening has a higher melting temperature than our ambient mouths?! The more you know!
By all means, continue using. I'm a big boy, I can handle the barf-shivers.
And yet "mouth object" is glorious.
Objets de Bouche.
double-plus good etc.
You know what mouthfeel-descriptor word I hate? MEALY. ew ew eweewewwewewewewewewewewewwwwwwwwww
CREAMY,MELTY MOUTHFEEL! SCRUMPTIOUS, CREAMY MEAL. GGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHCCCKKK(-SPLODES.-)
"they are disgusting and they are liars" is a beautiful catch-all slur.
What do you expect, they're owned by the Resnicks, who bring you the Franklin Mint and Pom Disgustingful.
My sister is a food scientist and way back when, she was part of a group at her company that was the first to come up with flavored rice cakes – you're welcome!
Now she works with sweet, refreshing flavored Cokes.
The ranch flavored ones make tasty packing material.
I have been using them as miniature frisbees for my gerbils.
Ooh, can you put in a good word for a second attempt at Tab Clear? The world wasn't ready in 1992.
http://nyti.ms/9XrsPt
I thought you had an Amber Alert on your gerbils an hour after Richard Gere stopped by?
@scrolly:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Jt_g10Jug
Kiki stopped by and coaxed him out, so everything's okay now.
@Exene – She works for a Swiss company that pretty much hates America, so 'fraid not :(
These are also on sale at Harris Teeters. I grabbed them the other day but then I saw they were pepper flavored and tossed them back. I'd rather eat CVS brand pistachios, which are so salty they give me a cold sore-like hole in my lip.
I refuse to eat any product with an anthropmorphized mascot. It gives me a complex.
It's too close to cannibowlism.
@HG: I think you should call it an edible complex.
@scrolly: Stop making fun of HG's edible complex, you motherfucker.
@saythats: You get combative when your blood sugar drops thanks to your diabeatusoff.
It's not my blood sugar, it's my dad. Some days he gets me so pissed off I just want to kill him…
There's a clown-app for that.
@saythatscool: Don't you mean "you mouther-feeler"?
That's between scrolly and mamm lock.
I tried to get my boyfriend to buy a packet of these; by way of demurral he cocked his head, goggled his eyes and gave a lopsided pistachiate leer. I dropped the subject immediately.
That said, Mr Peanut? Not only would I buy his wares, I'd probably make out with him.
The Jolly Green Giant is a stud.
Bought a packet of these revolting things a couple of weeks ago. My heart has only now returned to normal after the sodium assault. Felt like fucking Lot's wife… (no, that came out wrong, though I'm sure she was a very nice lady…nothing wrong with a bit of curiosity, after all.)
Sorry, but your first clue that something rancid was coming your way that horrible mascot. Believe me, I don't always object to a cartoon pitchman. I used to love Milton the Toaster, who convinced me Pop Tarts were suitable breakfast fare But this particular 1 reminds me of a maniacal clam refugee from Bellevue.