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If Jesus Christ Was Really Packing A Dong That Big I Would Probably Worship Him Too
Parishioners at St. Charles Borromeo Catholic Church near Oklahoma City are outraged by a crucifix that they say depicts the Son of God's, uh, manhood. "Critics of the crucifix take issue with what appears to be a large penis covering Jesus' abdominal area. [Rev. Philip] Seeton said the portion of the crucifix in question is meant to be Jesus' abdomen 'showing distension' – not a penis." You can judge for yourself below, but let's just say that given everything going on with the Catholic Church these days, I'd be inclined to paint my crucifixes like Ken dolls down there, just to be on the safe side.
Is that a crucifix in your loin cloth or are you just happy to see me? Bad-um-pah-TING!
C'mon, if you're the son of freakin' GOD then it's a pretty good bet you're not gonna have a tiny dick. It's good to be the King!
Penis abs. Thy will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven… please?
amen.
the disturbing part isn't the size – it's the fact that his balls are sprouting out of his belly button…
Notice how Mary Magdalene is looking reverently at it.
Everyone is ignoring the real issue here which is: shitty art.
You have to admit the skull at the bottom is a nice touch, though.
Yeah, this is what always happens when I try to draw something and fuck it up, too. "No, no, I intended it to look that way! He's distended! He has a four-pack, but also it is lopsided and asymmetrical in multiple ways!"
Yes, the skull is awesome.
I hate revealing I know anything about anything but this is a badly rendered version of a standard crucifixion iconography dating from 14th C northern Italy. He usually has a vertical three-pack–sometimes a four-pack. The overall style of the piece shows that the 'artist' was riffing off of works from this period–but he failed. Summary: it's not a penis it's bad art. Now back to the jokes.
The 13th century room in the Uffizi is full of these — http://www.virtualuffizi.com/uffizi1/Uffizi_Pictures.asp?Contatore=56 — but y'all just breezed through it to get to the naked ladies.
"Y'all" meaning the rest of you lunkheads, not irishbreakfast.
I'm not big on nekkid ladies. Give me a nekkid guy with a four-pack anyday.
I'm not sure he failed.
Yep, he's well hung! God am I in trouble.
Is it any wonder he got nailed?
Kneel before they lord and savor.
I think it was Mary Magdalene that got nailed. I read it in a book.
@irishbreakfast: This is the kind of thing they wanted you to chat about in Rome, wasn't it (per comment yesterday)?
I sincerely hope that the tag "DISTENDED BELLIES THAT LOOK LIKE WANGS" gets a lot more use from this point forward.
They would do well to read respected academic Leo Steinberg's amazing "The Sexuality of Christ in Renaissance Art and in Modern Oblivion" – a totally fascinating and completely convincing argument that the sexuality of Jesus was emphasized in Renaissance art but has been roundly ignored now that we have new, more complex hangups. It's illustrated with literally hundreds of images, so it's hard to argue with the guy.
I should clarify that the reason Jesus's sexuality was portrayed in art was to emphasize his humanity.
Hello? Is this mic on?
Quiet, we're reading "The Sexuality of Christ in Renaissance Art and in Modern Oblivion."
<3
It's the Jersey Shore boyz as religious martyrs.
except their cannolis are probably 2.5"L and probably crawling back up into the abs from all that roid juice. Hence: "smoosh"
Are they so fat in Oklahoma as to no longer know what abs are?
Oh, come ON. I know abs. I've licked abs. Those are not abs. That is a giant schlong. (Jesus, CALL ME.)
THIS IS NOT HELPING ME IN THE OVERACTIVE LIBIDO DEPARTMENT
Really? Cause dongbelly is totally the opposite of a boner-causer for me. Maybe it's different for ladies!
(Women be aroused like THIS, but men be all aroused like THIS)
I am right there with you.
Let's set up a meeting with HR.
It's not really that dongbelly is doing it for me so much as the idea of a GIANT GODLY COCK is giving me the desk squirms.
I'm with deepomega…and I'm a laydee.
(blinking)
Well, at least He's not swimming in urine, so He has that going for Him.
At least he has a wang.
http://mattstone.blogs.com/photos/female_crucifixion_art/female-christ-painting.html
Looks like Jesus shaves his balls.
Thank God.
back sack and crack on the rack.
The best part is the shrouded babes staring right. at. it.
Um. . . .He is Risen?
You constantly take pith to new heights.
Truly, I am shamed by a one-liner far superior to mine. I bow before your greater humor, ma'am.
Vere surrexit!
Elliot Spitzer haz a jelis.
Oh, and makes you wonder what's under the loincloth, don't it?
So, are those motion lines emanating from the tip?
Sproi-oi-oi-oinnnng
I did not know that "Glory" was the name of Jesus' dick, though it makes sense.
Is anyone else offended by the two menstruating vaginas on his hands?
@StetAtkins [#279]
Not really give this a watch
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-aVRCEEWRY
So, maybe Linda Blair was onto something?
Now I truly believe in the res-erection.