There's a simple reason why the gentleman from North Carolina, who recently told C-Span that the network had too many black callers, is upset. Blacks already have a national hotline. It's called 9-1-1. And if we can't get through there, Steve Harvey's radio show is usually a reliable backup. But let's face it, no one listens to Steve Harvey anymore. Confused, blacks have been calling in on the white lines instead. This can be very problematic. I have solutions.

Black people. We have politics. Weeeeeee have opinions. We need popular, nationally televised hotlines too. B-Span: Black Cable Satellite Public Affairs for Negros. Redundant, but GENIUS. Here are a few setbacks: "public affairs" in blackspeak apparently means spitting your grande iced-chai half-caf caramel macchiato from Starbucks out on your computer screen, and "negro" is no longer recognized by the census bureau as "black." So: who you gonna call if you want to complain about those racist white Republican sons-of-bitches? Send your comments to me! You don't even have to be black. You just need to hate those racist white Republican sons-of-bitches.

Well now, you say, all black folk don't hate racist white sons-of-bitches. You may be a black Republican and/or Jehovah's Witness for example. That's when I tell you I've been mentally drafting an open love letter to Michael Steele for over a week. I think he's super; a black Republican who can appreciate the finer things in life-like bottle service and cheap ass bitches. On B-Span, it's totally okay to be an assimilated negro: not hate white people but still feel the need to black it up every once and a while. Try it!

As the intelligent gentleman from North Carolina points out, the blacks talk about the same things over and over and over again. If it's not "George Bush is a liar," or "Barack Hussein Obama is Jesus Christ," it's "man, I need some more fried chicken and watermelon" or "damn, living with diabetes sucks." (If you're black, and you're reading this, please be sure to send your comments at least twice.) True, this kind of programming runs the risk of getting really boring very fast.

But I'd like to point out that the Jews have been doing that shit for centuries (successfully, I might add.) It's always, the Holocaust this, or the Holocaust that-and no one ever gets bored. EVER. So fuck me if the blacks can't harp on racial injustice. We just need to come up with a way to keep it fresh and sexy like the Holocaust. We'll shoa them. We need to FIGURE IT OUT.

Charlie is the pen name of a young professional woman in New York City who has an extensive chocolate chip on her shoulder and is here to explain things.