The Coffee Wars Will Not End Until America Is A Shaking Heap Of Overstimulation

if only more baristas were this cheery at 7 amIn hopes of recapturing the “bigger is always better” spirit of the previous decade, Starbucks has reportedly been test-marketing a new cup size that allows customers to guzzle 32 ounces of its iced beverages in one fell swoop. Called the “Trenta,” it could provide the caffeine-needy with more than enough caffeine to power through their increasingly stressful days, or at least an hour or two of them.

The Trenta is named after a town in southern Italy that sorta rhymes with “Venti”. It’s being test-marketed in the Phoenix area right now, which unfortunately precludes me from running out to get one. (Too bad — I was hoping to later turn the cup into a hat.) From this photo, the cup looks to be taller and more stout than the Venti while retaining the ever-crucial trait of being able to fit in cars’ cup holders:

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Some have noted that Starbucks is merely trying to catch up to Dunkin’ Donuts, which has a 32-ounce “large” size for all its iced coffee beverages, including its super-milky lattes and cloyingly sweet Coolattas. Does this mean that we’ll be bombarded with paparazzi photos of starlets clutching Frappucinos that outgirth their femurs?. No*, say anonymous commenters who claim the mantle of “insiders” on Jim Romenesko’s Starbucks Gossip. Apparently in a nod to these more serious times, Starbucks will practice some comparative restraint and allow only your basic iced coffees and iced teas to be poured into Trenta cups — no ginormous iced lattes or super-sized Frappucinos will cross the baristas’ threshold. The over/under on how long after national roll-out this “no milky, whipped-creamy drinks” edict will last has to be less than two months, right? Especially since the competition is currently flaunting waffle-sausage-egg-and-cheese monstrosities for those people whose inability to decide what to have for breakfast results in them wanting it all.

* That’s “no” in Italian. House style and all.

[Via / Pic via]