Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

The Coffee Wars Will Not End Until America Is A Shaking Heap Of Overstimulation

if only more baristas were this cheery at 7 amIn hopes of recapturing the "bigger is always better" spirit of the previous decade, Starbucks has reportedly been test-marketing a new cup size that allows customers to guzzle 32 ounces of its iced beverages in one fell swoop. Called the "Trenta," it could provide the caffeine-needy with more than enough caffeine to power through their increasingly stressful days, or at least an hour or two of them.

The Trenta is named after a town in southern Italy that sorta rhymes with "Venti". It's being test-marketed in the Phoenix area right now, which unfortunately precludes me from running out to get one. (Too bad — I was hoping to later turn the cup into a hat.) From this photo, the cup looks to be taller and more stout than the Venti while retaining the ever-crucial trait of being able to fit in cars' cup holders:


Some have noted that Starbucks is merely trying to catch up to Dunkin' Donuts, which has a 32-ounce "large" size for all its iced coffee beverages, including its super-milky lattes and cloyingly sweet Coolattas. Does this mean that we'll be bombarded with paparazzi photos of starlets clutching Frappucinos that outgirth their femurs?. No*, say anonymous commenters who claim the mantle of "insiders" on Jim Romenesko's Starbucks Gossip. Apparently in a nod to these more serious times, Starbucks will practice some comparative restraint and allow only your basic iced coffees and iced teas to be poured into Trenta cups — no ginormous iced lattes or super-sized Frappucinos will cross the baristas' threshold. The over/under on how long after national roll-out this "no milky, whipped-creamy drinks" edict will last has to be less than two months, right? Especially since the competition is currently flaunting waffle-sausage-egg-and-cheese monstrosities for those people whose inability to decide what to have for breakfast results in them wanting it all.

* That's "no" in Italian. House style and all.

[Via / Pic via]

25 Comments / Post A Comment

dado (#102)

I find my stimulation coming in smaller packages these days.

HiredGoons (#603)

That is also what she said.

bassknives (#2,903)

Finally, a condom size for me!

NominaStultorum (#1,638)

Surely it's called "trenta" because that's how you say "thirty" in Italian, just as "venti" = "twenty." Right? Sorry if I missed the joke or something; it's early, and even though I've had my coffee, I haven't had ALL my coffee. (Awl, my coffee!)

oudemia (#177)

@Nomina: I was thinking the same thing.

NominaStultorum (#1,638)

Good to know I wasn't alone!
Oh, now that I've had all my coffee:
Trenta Makes, The World Shakes.

lbf (#2,343)

My dream selbstmord is to fill a cup like that with a million billion ristrettos and then drink it.

Pintonator (#2,236)

Finally, all of America will be awake to see the Underpants Gnomes.

johnpseudonym (#1,452)

Way down among Brazilians coffee beans grow by the billions so they've got to find those extra cups to fill.

Matt (#26)

You'll see no potato juice.

blueprint (#2,019)

Instead of larger sizes, how about they offer a roast that's less burned than Freddy Krueger?

I'm not that picky. I'll drink the worst "gas station coffee" available, but I can't even stomach a sip of Starbucks.

Kakapo (#2,312)

Hear, hear. I suspect part of their reasoning is that you can use a cheaper, lower-quality bean without anyone noticing if you turn it into ash.

Matt (#26)


cherrispryte (#444)

Well, wait. This is just for iced coffee and iced tea. Which is filled with, um, ice. I would bet that the amount of actual coffee that would go into one of these giganto iced coffees would be less than the amount of coffee you'd get in a venti non-iced coffee.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to run to starbucks.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

I worked at a DD in high school, and our iced coffee was brewed a lot stronger to make up for the watering-down effect of the ice. I can't speak for Starbucks though.

garge (#736)

I can vouch for the Dr as for DD; also, we tended to take a bite out of every other donut or so when we tossed them at the appointed hours (to be replaced by fresh ones). Long sigh for teenage metabolism.

YoWheez (#3,516)

Looking at that drink makes my teeth hurt… I think have to pee.

6h057 (#1,914)

"Isn't the Max Power way just the wrong way?"

"Yes, but faster!"

hman (#53)

I bought some shares of Starbucks way back when because I was sure the Tiazzi was gonna take off, so I hope this fails spectacularly.

gumplr (#66)

"I would rather kiss a dog on the lips than the most beautiful woman in the world if she is a coffee drinker, and I have. This sacrifice was to demonstrate the strength of my convictions, and thereby enlighten a group of addicts, but it didn't work. I kissed the dog, they kissed the woman, they all went away, and the dog ran after them."

swag (#3,815)

Overstimulation? You honestly believe that they're going to add filler to these giant buckets that actually contains additional coffee??

5ynic (#3,821)

Venti….Trenta…. I can see where this is going. I might register "googolplexa" as a trademark caffeinated iced beverage.

dailyny (#3,326)

When Starbucks' Q3 earnings come out reflecting the availability of 32-oz iced caramel macchiattos with extra shots, who's gonna be upgraded to "Don't Sell?" Come on, they'll start offering their milky drinks in those cups within a month.

Max Clarke (#3,635)

32 ounces of highly caffeinated corn syrup over ice should be popular with the excitable, paranoid gun rights activist demographic.

Brad Allec (#3,930)


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