Silly Little Man Explains "Why Men Cheat"
April's Esquire (when the mail arrives, it arrives all at once!) has an anonymous essay called "Why Men Cheat." Like all these sorts of things, it's fundamentally "naughty" and "incoherent" and contradictory and sad. "Men don't cheat because they can. Men cheat because they must, because they need to. This is the male struggle…. It's what they are built for. It is a function of the mathematics of their reproductive function. It is the by-product of longer life spans, more-deadening careers, too much work. And it is the consequence of an instinctive refusal to give up one's own need entirely for the flawed and antiquated apparatus of marriage." HI, WOW, you don't make any sense. Actually the whole rest of it is even worse than this. I'll never understand why absolutely every woman is so desperate to "snare a man."
Needs a "mansplaining" tag.
And believing that it's "a function of the mathematics" of a man to cheat is like believing in astrology: trying to use science to support complete nonsense.
I feel like there's a chemistry joke to be made here somewhere.
"a function of the mathematics OF THEIR REPRODUCTIVE FUNCTION"–does that help?
Yes!
Although now I have the School House Rock song stuck in my head.
My kids get those via netflix, so I always have about 30 of them in my head (Next time you go on a trip/remember this little tip).
Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Threesome, it's the magic number.
So Tiger's writing for Esquire now?
Okay, I'm straight and married and utterly baffled by this part:
"If you cheat, you must believe this much: that fated love is a lie, and monogamous love a deception. If you cheat, these two sentiments are your guiding light. Doesn't mean you're incapable of love, doesn't mean you don't want what love -or even marriage -can offer. It's just a paradox. You have what you believe, and it is never the lie. You train your sentiment to fit inside the lie. Your rules fit right inside that sentiment.
You have to have rules… I do not cheat in the city where I live, or even in the region. This is my rule."
So. You have your rule: "Don't cheat in the city where you live." You fit your rule inside your sentiment: "Fated love is a lie, and monogamous love is a deception." And you train your sentiment to fit inside the lie. Which lie? The lie of monogamous love? What does this even mean?
"You have what you believe, and it is never the lie." Then why train what you believe – the sentiment that monogamous love is a lie? – to fit inside the lie?
My head hurts.
As another straight married: if you need a manifesto to rationalize your assholery, then you are twice the asshole.
"A man got to have a code." (c) Omar Little
YES, Brent. And you're three times the asshole when you attribute your own personal misconduct to the general population. This guy cheats, thus "monogamous love is a deception"? Whatevs, dude.
Glad I'm not the only straight married who thinks this guy is a prick, I thought maybe I was missing some essential male gene.
Thank God we have some normal married straights to call bullshit on this. Meanwhile, somebody should tell that NYTimes chick that apparently a lot of the shitty ones are taken, too.
Forget being philosophically opposed to the anonymous writer's position. I'm philosophically opposed to his shitty writing!
Silly anonymous sophist.
I thought these were the reasons men drove Dodges.
That and Michael C. Hall's sexy, sexy voice.
This will be republished in next month's Cosmo with the title "Excuses Cheating Men Use to Rationalize Their Behavior"
No…"Why YOUR Man Will Cheat on YOU"
Oh right! Silly me, I was thinking of Bust, not Cosmo. This should probably be all the wife's fault after all!
Answer: Because your push-up bra is only Victoria Secret level II and you are not orange enough.
And you are not using the hottest new lip plumper often enough. Men hate thin lips!
She's right. They also don't like it when you bend your knee and that roll forms, you know? Knee fat? That is why I am throwing away my plumper forever and getting it sucked out and injected into my lips.
That's because lips = labia. It's science. Men don't like thin labia. That's another reason why he cheats on you.
"Or," the article will conclude, "You can always choose a man that's bad at math. That way he won't be able to do the 'the mathematics of [his]reproductive function'!"
This is the dude counterpoint to the vile article from The Frisky (I know, I know) last week about the girl who cheats.
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-girl-talk-why-a-woman-has-sex-with-someone-elses-husband/
"Because I could" is a much different reason than "because I wanted to." Does not compute.
um if men didn't cheat we'd never have "sudden stop" by percy sledge, isn't that reason enough to leave it alone?
Heeee! I'm loving the Bad Idea Jeans av on this post. (Because, really, when are you gonna be back in Haiti?)
We wouldn't have about a gazillion great songs, "The Dark End Of The Street" and "Me and Mrs. Jones" come to mind.
Oops, just looked closely at the art up top. Guess "Me and Mrs. Jones" came to someone elses mind too.
Hmmm, maybe if we comingle it with that icky n+1 essay about why the gays musn't marry, both of them will finally make sense:
"If you cheat, you must believe this much: that fated love is a lie, and monogamous love a deception. Here is marriage: The division of humanity into closed couples, when modernity has given us a chance at something much better-affiliation by manifold currents of love, interest, and likeness which overflow the monogamous male-female dyad.
You have what you believe, and it is never the lie. You train your sentiment to fit inside the lie.
To marry is the closest adult thing to making your eyes big, your forehead rounded, and your hands into adorable little paws.
It's just a paradox.
Only the nuclear family remains."
Aha! Illumination!
Oh my god you're a genius.
You know what's worse than the jumble of contradictory ideas is the embarrassing tone of URGENCY with which the whole thing is written. It's like, "BELIEVE ME BECAUSE I'M SINCERE."
"Oh For Fuck's Sake" is the perfect tag for this.
Or "Christ, what an asshole."
Men do not cheat because they can. They cheat because of nature and their jobs. Also, if men didn't cheat, why would those Hampton Inn's located in the middle of nowhere even exist? Who stays there? Proof that men cheat for really important reasons. Furthermore, it is totally justified by mathematical equations and stuff.
Growing up, our local no tell motel was named the pink cloud.
Hey. At least the mornon didn't call it: "Ten Reasons Why Men Cheat."
Always a bright side.
The sad lady in the "How to Survive Cheating" ad is making me feel guilty as hell and I'm a straight woman.
The reason people cheat: their transitory needs and desires mean more to them than anything else. Dink in Esquire used a lot more (poorly strung together) words to say the same freaking thing.
What an asshole.
That ad is alternating with an ad for Afro Romance. Are the ads trying to make me to have an affair with a black man to get back at that guy who cheated on me?
The other reason we don't cheat is Hell hath no fury ….
http://www.sextingjoslynjames.com
Men cheat because we cry, right? Oh wait … JESUS cheats because we cry. Or does Jesus cheat because we drink? I'm confused.
Jesus is killing kittens and giving them wings.
It is also awful because it is heteronormative.
Yes!