We bring you this picture of the sun today as a public service, since it seems very likely that you will never see it again. That's right, you should expect rain, snow, and clouds for the rest of your life. New York is going to be like some kind of Scandinavian crime novel for the foreseeable future, and there's nothing to do about it but sit around and bitch, which is exactly what I'm doing right now. Welcome to the Dark Times.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
27
It's snowing in Texas right now. Alternating between huge clumps and tiny crystals, because Texas doesn't know how to do these things properly. So beautifully apocalyptic.
Ever since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I shall do the next best thing: block it out.
I'm only happy when it rains.
Right-o! (See yesterday's post, "Positive Drinking")
Wallander!!
Need to dessicate the obit I filed yesterday:
...Terse Nurse Pornstein was felled by a coronary suffered when beat to the comment punch while attempting to log on to The Awl, compounded by tapping on an iPhone--a lethal combination, and probably by design! A criminal investigation has been launched.
Correction: An earlier edition omitted the names of RN TerseNursePornstein's survivors, plain ol' NursePornstein, Curse of NursePornstein, Prince Michael, and the in utero WorseNurse. The Times regrets the error.
Whining Swedes.
I stared directly into it.
That's ok, I'll just turn up the brightness on my second monitor.
That's OK...I'll just source my vitamin D from a can of sardines and breath on everyone.
By this point in the year, my body has not only classified vitamin D as a foreign and possible hazardous substance, but has actually developed an allergic response to it.
Well, last night was the night I decided, "If nature is going to give me this, I'm giving myself Melatonin!"
I'll just focus on the light inside my head.
I spend a good part of my workweek in the space between the absences of hope and expectations.
There is relief to be had here in, for instance, knowing you don't need to replace those missing sunglasses.
You too?
On the plus side, no more glare headaches!
Hello, Rickets!
Whenever someone I know gets a new cat (more frequent than you might expect), I start a little campaign to name it "Rickets," because, seriously, what a great name for a pet.
Even better? Rickety Cricket.
-1 New York Centric.
(The sun tweeted me this morning to say he's crashing in LA for a while, so we'll probably be catching up pretty soon)
It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be gray, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.
Let's get some flapjacks!
It really wouldn't be such a bad thing for you guys to live in a Scandinavian crime novel for a little while. Sure, the weather is lousy and there's sociopathic murderers around every corner, but at least we Swedes have universal healthcare and free higher education. You'd be lucky to live in Henning Mankells Ystad, my friend!
Yeah and don't forget the Scandinavian binge drinking! The gang fights on Main Street every weekend! The seven dollar hot dogs at the newsstand! The heroin zombies everywhere. Good times!
In Scandinavia, sociopathic murderers are comic relief.
Weather forecast says rain for the next 10 days here in MADRID. We're doomed. And by the way, people here can't walk with umbrellas for shit.
Seen it today in the north of England! It still exists (or I have stunningly florid hallucinations, which is probably a bit more likely!)
Real Brits, through long unfamiliarity with the sun, have been known to describe it as "like that flash of light when someone glasses you in the forehead, except longer lasting."
May I suggest you deal with this weather the way we did in Poland, and institute the "if I can't see the sun, I shouldn't be sober" rule? It worked well.