In case you missed the obituary for former Secretary of State Alexander Haig this weekend, here are the rather remarkable second and third paragraphs.
Mr. Haig was a rare American breed: a political general. His bids for the presidency quickly came undone. But his ambition to be president was thinly veiled, and that was his undoing. He knew, Reagan's aide Lyn Nofziger once said, that "the third paragraph of his obit" would detail his conduct in the hours after President Reagan was shot, on March 30, 1981.Kinda funny, kinda meta, definitely appreciated. And just in case this isn't a one-shot deal, I'm gonna take a chance and say that I know the third paragraph of my obituary will detail the grandeur of my cock. File that away in your notebooks, necrology scribblers!That day, Secretary of State Haig wrongly declared himself the acting president. "The helm is right here," he told members of the Reagan cabinet in the White House Situation Room, "and that means right in this chair for now, constitutionally, until the vice president gets here." His words were taped by Richard V. Allen, then the national security adviser.
Say what you will about Al Haig, but for a while, he was Supreme Allied Commander, Europe, or SACEur, which is the coolest fucking thing anyone has ever had on a business card.
He originally applied for the job thinking it was for a position as a SAPEur. Thus one mistyped letter changed the course of American politics, and fashion. And now you know ... the rest of the story.
He got that position because Ford needed to get him out of the White House. He was no more a general that you or me.
Well, at least his obit had a third paragraph I guess. I don't expect I'll have a second.
Ha!
I realize you're supposed to make nicey-nice about the Not Quite Cold when they're past public servants, and you're the President, but good lord:
"General Haig exemplified our finest warrior-diplomat tradition of those who dedicate their lives to public service."
"Warrior-diplomat tradition"? Are we living in a Russell Crowe movie?
We might rather have it "exemplified" by General Marshall, but there is a warrior-diplomat tradition.
One might rather hope that those proceedings have closed.
Don't speak too soon, Karen - Petraeus is just waiting for 2016.
One can receive no greater honor from American society at large than to be portrayed by Richard Dreyfuss in a made-for-TV movie. Haig could have died years ago, having already reached those lofty heights.
The helm is right here.
These words will also figure prominently in the third graf of Balk's obit.
"It had a shimmery magnificence when it was wet. If you ever saw it with a cape, which was often, you could almost picture it prowling the cobbled alleys of old London."
"...Terse Nurse Pornstein often said of Balk's cock.
She leaves no survivors."
Who are you kidding, Balk? Your cock is going to write you obituary.
First graf then.