The Awl Announces First Acquisition (Oh, And Some Firings)
This morning, we are pleased to announce the acquisition of Spiersblr. Unrelatedly, we will be replacing Awl editor Alex Balk with Spiersblr's publisher, Elizabeth Spiers. (Balk was offered the position of Spiers' assistant, but declined, due to a weak back.) Awl publisher David Cho, an original Spiersblr investor, will be returning any profits made from his investment in Spiersblr to The Awl. Spiersblr will act as a channel of The Awl, covering Silicon Alley theory, advances in programming languages and everything that is wrong with former actress Justine Bateman (a rich vein to mine, you must admit), as well as breaking up-to-the-minute Formspringing. The Awl itself will focus more on cat-related news and video clips taken off of the TV and then put online. Simultaneously, we will be demanding that Tumblr relinquish Awl.tumblr.com, just because we can, and they will do it so fast it'll make your head spin. "It's still all about scale and success. There's no online living in cachet," announced remaining Awl founding editor Choire Sicha. "As part of this expansion strategy, we have continued to grow the number of Executive Decision Makers who visit our site." The Awl will not be releasing the acquisition price for Spiersblr, if any.
Did you remember to hit GUESS when you took in the change bowl this time?
Like anyone still uses Formspring. (Actually now that Tumblr is The Man, maybe Formspring is the new Revolution?)
Y'all are some silly motherfuckers.
Executive Decision Makers would be a great name for a band.
Chances are, the band already exists: http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/fewer_good_band_names_available_causing_trademark_rifts/
Needs more public making out.
Needs a poison pill.
BUY ME NEXT! BUY ME!
Executivy!
Oh thank you. I thought maybe you were firing commenters (and I'd be the first).
Actually, thinking about it that's not a half-bad idea …
But when will Balk issue a 5,000-word missive in which he shares that Choire "is adept at pairing consonants with vowels?"
Actually, I'm buying all of you and turning you into a mani-pedi-ramen shop.
Throw in a complimentary half-leg wax and an order of pork buns and I'm there!
And when does Cat get a show on HGTV?
Are YOU gonna come along for the ride?!!?? I think you ARE!!!1!1!!
Why does she say "everybahhhdy" and make me want to take Chantix?
Heh. And star in a series of Frontline banner ads!
As community outreach director for this site as of when I started typing this, I'd just like to had a hastily written ass-covering which twists the facts and only serves to further irritate an already unseemly PR incident. "First they revoked the tumblr domains, and I did not speak out…"
That Balk has such an ego … passing up an assistant gig in this economy?
The comments section DEMANDS to see the new seating arrangements at The Awl HQ.
That poor, poor pile of sweaters.
also pls to leak internal memos that include the following sentence "bring me a million uniques, motherfuckers".
"Employee salary is competitive in the Industry."
When Listicles Without Comment (another great band name!) become profitable, I'll buy Balk his first pack of unemployment cigs.
One of those tags is superlative, even though it cost me ten minutes of productivity on the search engines.
Now that I'm getting paid in bi-monthly handfuls from the change bowl, I'm just happy to have quadrupled my Gawker salary.
Thanks for joining the party.
Did you forget your password again?
I tried it! It didn't work! The Gravatar integration doesn't like me.
(Neither does Mallory Keaton. But I'm more disappointed about Gravatar.)
I take it back. Maybe it does. #12!
I believe it is peace in our time. ~ Neville Chamberlain
"The Awl itself will focus more on cat-related news and video clips taken off of the TV and then put online."
RUDITY.
What's truly amazing is that YOU broke this story.
Comments need more Spiegelmanesque rants. Cue DRA?
lol…Nice buy guys!!! Spiers will do you proud. With this addition I wonder how much theAwl is worth now?
Hahahahaha. "worth."
The 2,500 shares of AwlaboardCo that I purchased last week at $160/per are now trading at 4 cents. Balk and Choire stole my retirement!
Mine came as part of an incentive program at the bodega.
Well, this totally fucks up my "BALK" tattoo where the L is actually an awl.
Anyone interested in a car site?
Congratu-mackations, y'awl.
Does this mean snarktastic weekend editor Dave Bry is leaving as well to take a job at AM New York?
Will this affect the bear videos? Because you know we only come here for the bear videos.
I concur.
The Awl should "acquire" tomoatmeal.tumblr.com next. And then fire Tom Oatmeal. (After all, it's all about the brand, not the people.)
You could keep the dog, Eric, though.
Needs more commenter tiers/caste systems.
Oh please oh please oh please can we???
There are so many layers to be explored in that textually rich subterrane.
AND NOTIFICATIONS WHEN SOMEONE HAS REPLIED TO YOUR COMMENT.
Although I think the numbered-commenter system pretty well sorts us into castes. As one of the first hundred, you are clearly a friend of theirs or someone important. (hell, haven't you been a contributor?) The facebook users are clearly the Dalit of The Awl.
as a longtime Wonkette commenter, I still miss the whore diamonds we had while Wonkette was still under Denton ownership
Abe Sauer is suspiciously quiet about this.
NinetyNine is #98, still funny.
Or someone who's not very important but writes awesome 4am drunk email.
a friend or someone important, or just a kid with a lot of moxie!
who found out about The Awl incredibly soon after its launch!
Narnio, he was a bit premature.
I stuff tissue down my pants to make my 200-and-something look like a 100-and-something.
As #8 (still not sure how that happened), I should win a prize as a single-digiter.
Or something.
As one of the first hundred, you are clearly a friend of theirs or someone important.
So, so totally not necessarily true.
I've got a single digit for you right here….oh, never mind.
Dear Elizabeth,
You're Acquired!
This business model is hopelessly outdated.
Since I'm one of those people who's never met her but cannot stand her and have little problem admitting both facts, I don't find this funny (QED).
Someone must have gotten their rejection notice from the Awl.
Update, in order of concern:
1) Gravatar doesn't like me.
2) Mallory Keaton doesn't like me.
3) Joe Clark doesn't like me.
I don't think you need Gravatar anymore? Am I making this up? That their revamped system means you can interface with the other shit for which you probably have a working avatar?
I like you fine. Now, make with the funny.
Maer Roshan just scared up some financing money for my Twitter feed, so Balk's bears have a home if they want them! (His cock, however, must find another place to rest its fleshy helmet.)
Luckily, dorothymantooth.tumblr.com is very interested in submissions.
tersenurse.tumblr.com is actively seeking emissions. Maybe some interesting synergy to explore here! *Scribbles figure on back of envelope*
Hey, where is the 'like' button?
Is that like the little man in the boat?
Satirical portmanteau in story form. I like it.
Great satire is invisible until the second paragraph. It is satire, isn't it? (Just checking my number.)
Justine Bateman's stint on the board of the Screen Actor's Guild was a bit of a shambles, and plus the whole Nick vs Skippy thing, but apart from that I don't really understand the hate.
Wait. What about unicorns?