Monday, February 1st, 2010
50

My Baby? My Baby Seems So Smart But I'm Also Scared About My Baby

MY BABY!Dear New York magazine,

My baby. My baby! Recently my baby had some tests. My baby is 2.5 months old. My baby! Sometimes my baby seems different than other babies. My baby should have be accepted to a very good college in the year 2025. My baby likes yams and dislikes all loud noises that are not the sound cows make. My baby has good arm strength but bad color-name recognition. My baby! Last night I had a dream that my baby had a prehensile tail, and when I woke up, I confess that I wished it was true. Oh, sometimes I think my baby is really listening to me when I read to it in Russian, but then I see that my baby is staring just past the top of my head, at the mirror. Does my baby recognize my baby in the mirror? I think my baby is terrified of faucets, and so I try not to turn them on. Ever. My baby came out of a human being and it is all I can think about, that the baby was made out of people, not bought from people. Do I want another baby as well? Would that be twice as much baby, or really more like thrice? Would I be betraying my baby? What if I had another baby and something was wrong with my baby? What would I do then? What if secretly something is wrong with this baby that I already have? And I am about to find that secret out-maybe later today even, or it could be tomorrow, or possibly sometime in the middle of next week? What will I do for my baby then?

Sincerely,

A Parent
Brooklyn, New York

50 Comments / Post A Comment

KarenUhOh (#19)

"I can feel it, Baby."
Barry White

belltolls (#184)

Just don't ever ask me to babysit your baby.

Peteykins (#1,916)

Better throw her in the water!

barnhouse (#1,326)

hahaha

SemperBufo (#1,849)

+ 10

SemperBufo (#1,849)

Ha. Actually it is more like thrice.

Matt (#26)

WHERE CAN I PAY YOU?

I love this, but …. should there be a link in there somewhere? What about New York magazine? Or am I just stupid please-don't-answer-that?

Ha, no! It's just in general. Also today's cover story, but then also every other week's cover story, mostly. God bless them though. I mean, everyone does care about babies.

katiebakes (#32)

Choire, did you see this? So timely.

You know that part of Devo's I Can't Get No Satisfaction cover, when Mark Mothersbaugh sings "baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby …"?

That's my favorite part of that song.

gregorg (#30)

Yeah, did you see that New Yorker piece and think you could do it funnier with a Monday morning stupor? Because wow.

Mindpowered (#948)

OOHH! Trick ending. I had my money on Edith.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

No way. I was all like, Couldn't they find Edith? And I didn't believe Edith was MIA because she recently updated.

Bittersweet (#765)

At first I thought Edith, then realized it was Choire. But it would be great to see a "Letters to the Editor of Parenting Magazines" from Ms. Zimmerman…

SOOOOO STRONGLY AGREE
(SO!)

Matt (#26)

Also Cat DOES NOT appreciate it when you call him that.

Moff (#28)

This is why we left New York. We wanted to be somewhere where you don't have care about your children so much.

Yes! Out here in the country, we just let them run loose and wait for them to show up at mealtimes. Same with the housecats.

Moff (#28)

Right? I'm setting up a gravity feeder full of bacon bits, and that'll take care of both.

Free-range children are all the rage.

That's because they are more delicious than caged children.

HiredGoons (#603)

Mmmm, hippie sandwich…

Substitute "my dogs" for "my baby", and you nailed me, Choire.

Especially the part about reading to them in Russian. They love Dogstoevsky.

Moff (#28)

Ah, yes. Crime and Pawnishment.

Anna Canine-ina … ?

Notes from Wunderhound

The Brothers Curamazov?

Moff (#28)

@Hippity: That's Tolschewtoy, buddy.

HiredGoons (#603)

Nothing beats 'Clifford the Big Red Socialist.'

iplaudius (#1,066)

My dogs are into the older stuff-The Queen of Spays, etc.

sigerson (#179)

Setting aside whatever dickish things you're implying about Brooklyn mommy mafia, I CANNOT stop staring at that little demon baby! so cute!

Sweetie (#519)

My baby would murder me in my sleep with his Sophie the Giraffe chew toy if I dressed him in that costume.

HiredGoons (#603)

Hellspawn, etc.

HiredGoons (#603)

Dear Parent,

Your baby is ugly.

- New York

HiredGoons (#603)

(actually, that particular baby is pretty adorable!)

katiebakes (#32)

Eh, kinda a butterballface.

HiredGoons (#603)

I'm not paying for that baby's health-care.

phlox (#204)

Dear Parent,
Your baby is staggeringly average and there is nothing you can do to change that.

garge (#736)

Loved this so hard, so repeatedly, that my last half-expired eggs abdicated, gracefully. Which is great, because I just realized the tea I have been chugging in lieu of the booze I took leave of is full of St. John's Wort, which is bad for the Yaz.

Kataphraktos (#226)

"Photographic model: Gwenaëlle"

Who the fuck named that child? Ikea?

Babyhead, (n): The pathetic result of the hormonal overthrow of a once-proud mind.

I was going to suggest you raise your baby, but who wants to do that?

I would throw this one away, and hope that the next one you have can raise itself. That's the only way you'll know your baby is ready for the real world.

WTF i'm reading….

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