Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

The 32 Possible Side Effects of Using CHANTIX, a Non-Nicotine Prescription Medicine Specifically Developed to Help Adults 18 and Over Quit Smoking, In Order

THE 'TIX32. Hostility
31. Aggression
30. Mania
29. Suicidal thoughts
28. Abnormal sensations
27. Hallucinations
26. Anxiety
25. Panic
24. Agitation
23. Anger
22. Depression
21. Changes in behavior
20. Changes in thinking
19. Paranoia
18. Confusion
17. Worsening mental health problems
16. Rash
15. Redness
14. Peeling of skin
13. Life-threatening allergic reactions
12. Swelling of the face
11. Swelling of the mouth
10. Swelling of the throat
9. Trouble breathing
8. Rash
7. Blisters in your mouth
6. Nausea
5. Sleep problems
4. Constipation
3. Vomiting
2. Suicidal actions
1. Gas

59 Comments / Post A Comment

maebefunke (#154)

More likely to commit suicidal "actions" than just have suicidal "thoughts," sounds like an awesome little blue pill.

riggssm (#760)

In that order?

riggssm (#760)

OH! It says, "in order" at the end. I ran out of room on my browser masthead from the Twitter jump. I'll sit quietly in the corner for a while now.

But the name is very pleasing. Chantix!

And no diarrhea. Miracle drug!

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

totally gregorian.

jobbotch (#3,528)

Nothing inspires more confidence than "1.0" stamped on the pill. By all means, tweak it later.

ericspiegelman (#3,421)

Just remember: smoking kills.

But… but… so slowly!

jolie (#16)

Unless you fall asleep while smoking and die in a house fire!

Backslider (#819)

Or have a stroke or a heart attack. Nothing slow about that.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Really, really slowly! But don't worry- when the cancer kicks in, you'll be dead in 3 months- you'll barely feel a thing!

Chantix basically turns you into Roberto.

Louis Fyne (#2,066)

Well played. Now back up, I'm gonna practice my stabbing.

mickeyitaliano (#2,202)

Imagine what second hand Chantix does…

It will Pfuck you up.

Matt (#26)

Oh, come on. "Catherine, I Dislike You" is TOP FIVE, at LEAST.

jolie (#16)

Girls In White Dresses With Blue Satin Sashes got ROBBED

Matt (#26)

Goal Posts.

jolie (#16)


mathnet (#27)

I'm sincerely confused about whether these are in order of awesomeness or horribleness. (Or simply the order in which they are listed on the package.)

mathnet (#27)

(Or the order in which they happen to you?)

The order in which the corresponding lawsuits were filed.

La Cieca (#1,110)

Speaking as a former toiler in the pharma fields, this list doesn't seem to be in any particular order, except that "gas" is chosen for the punchline.

One reason there's such a laundry list of side effects listed surely is that we're actually talking about the interaction of two different drugs — i.e., the stuff in Chantix, and nicotine, one of which is increasing in concentration in the bloodstream as the other decreases. Nicotine withdrawal alone is rationale enough for, e.g., "worsening mental health problems."

HiredGoons (#603)

"Worsening mental health problems"

Because, yeah pretty much everyone is already a little crazy as this point.

Abe Sauer (#148)

10.5. Swelling of the penis?

cherrispryte (#444)

Wrong little blue pill.

It's actually any blue pill. Aleve will give you a boner. Big Pharma Secret.

phlox (#204)

Hmmm, do you have any firm evidence to support this?
If so, I would like to take a look.

Kevin (#2,559)

That's mighty servicey of you.

bong hitler (#3,233)

Well then we'll simply need new medication to treat all the angry, depressed, paranoid, gassy, vomiting, suicidal maniacs who suffer from breathing problems, mouth blisters, and peeling skin. That's the magic of pharma: it creates its own market.

JKJV (#1,068)

You forgot "insomnia" and "nightmares".

Never again!

HiredGoons (#603)

It gives you nightmares when you're awake!? Holy shit!

Covered by 27

Kevin (#2,559)

So it's not just my life?

Backslider (#819)

I know 3 people who have died from smoking. Chantix? Not a one! Ha ha!

If you have a pool of 821 patients–as the Phase 3 studies of Chantix did–you'll get almost exactly the same number and type of side effects from administering a glass of water daily.

wiilliiaamm (#225)

House of Chantix
House of Activia

Do I need to everything for you damn divas!!

HiredGoons (#603)

23, 31, and 32 are really just variations on a theme.

Can we combine those three and say it makes you 'roidy?

Ooooh! Does it also give you backne?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Not to engage in shillery, but my GF- who barely lasted 2 weeks on Nicorette, the Patch, or much of anything else- is on her fourth month without a single cancer stick, courtesy of Chantix. …I wouldn't kick it out of bed just because the guy from Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians lost his shit- disturbing as that was.

saythatscool (#101)

You forgot random hoe downs and predisposition towards Care Bear rapery.

You're welcome.

In the clinical trials, I wonder if the people who killed themselves counted in the "successfully quit smoking" group? After all, you can't smoke when you're dead!

refractor (#3,009)

I wonder if I've unwittingly been taking Chantix for years.

refractor (#3,009)

Also, now I want a cigarette. Thanks, jerks.

ericdeamer (#945)

me too! Sounds like the symptoms of "life" to me.

Loved it, loved it, loved it. I recommend it to everyone who is trying to quit smoking. I even enjoyed the nightmares (well, all of them except one…Scott Baio, ugh!).

sargasm (#104)

No!! I had the suicidal "actions" without the suicidal "thoughts!" I didn't want to BE dead, I just wanted to kill myself!! If it can kill the will to smoke, that's not all it wants to kill.

sargasm (#104)

I'm not usually this emphatic, but I feel the need to re-emphasize. BE CAREFUL. I would much rather die a smoker. Oh, the (suicide) plans I made.

Peter Feld (#79)

Remember, they are required to list the most frequent side effects. But rankings mean nothing regarding likelihood. (A common misperception that p.r. people take advantage of all the time, boasting that some product or book is the #1 whatever, when the number of people that reflects could be tiny.) For example, the top most likely side effect may occur in only 2%, or 0.2% etc. of the people who take it, all other possible effects being even less (maybe a lot less) likely.

LondonLee (#922)

Aren't these things supposed to be anti-depressants?

I took Zyban for a while during a previous quitting attempt and it made me happy as Larry.

zack petrick (#1,335)

I used it and it was less than fun… It did the trick when it came to smoking, but man it sucked!

Steve Krysak (#3,532)

Do you not take this to encourage 'changes in behaviour'?

Pop Socket (#187)

Side effects of smoking: Cancer.

Pop Socket (#187)

A much better blue pill would be Cialis for Three Ways:


josh_speed (#97)

I'm on Zyban and I'm still smoking. Determined, me. Also: there is some prescription drug now, Latisse, that makes your eyelashes grow longer?? And one of the side effects of it–if you have blue eyes–is that Latisse may turn them PERMANENTLY BROWN?? One word: MASCARA.

Rabid David (#3,536)

Yeah, the farting was brilliantly funny, the consipation less so. Got over them after about a week and a half. Best side effect I found was incredibly florid and highly erotic dreams. Happily, these persist. Oh, yes, haven't smoked for about six weeks now.

misterpearce (#3,159)

Wouldn't it just be cheaper to gargle with bleach each morning? Jebus.

Why Not (#5,245)

Don't do it! https://www.fairandflawlessskin.com/ Life is too short to throw it away.

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