Groundhog Day Chat, Live From Punxsutawney
As it does each time this year, the nation turns its eyes to Punxsutawney, PA, where famed groundhog Punxsutawney Phil delivers his verdict on the coming of spring. We spoke with Phil by phone shortly after he made his announcement.
Good morning! How are things in Pennsylvania?
Cold. It's like fucking winter out here. Jesus Christ, you think they'd let you sleep in on a day like today. Cocksuckers.
You seem a little upset.
You try being shoved into a box and then yanked out by some fuckers in old-timey hats at the crack of dawn and see how cheery you are. Also, I just heard about the Oscar nominations, and I am PISSED about Nicolas Cage getting jobbed. Apart from Steve Buscemi, he's your most rodent-like actor. Fuck Jeremy Renner, Cage should have gotten a nod.
Okay, well, opinions differ. Let's get to the subject at hand. What can we look forward to, an early spring or six more weeks of winter?
What am I, a fucking weatherman? I'm a goddamn oversize ferret. It's amazing to me that you guys actually give a shit about this. I could see seven shadows and it wouldn't make a goddamn bit of difference in the way the seasons work. I think next year I'm gonna whip out my PUNXSUTAWNEY PENIS and show that to the world. You bet your ass you'll see a shadow then.
Wow, for a beloved woodland creature who has signaled the coming of spring since time immemorial, you certainly are a disagreeable character.
You want agreeable? Dig up Punxsutawney Phil '94. There was a bastard who loved the spotlight. Couldn't get enough of it. I should be out in the woods, molesting gophers. This is some goddamn bullshit right here. You can gobble my knob.
Okay, I think we're going to have to end it here. So, for the record, you're predicting six more weeks of winter?
I'm predicting six more weeks of "kiss my ass and lick it clean," you upright-walking shitmouth. This whole goddamn gig is a fucking travesty.
Thanks, Phil, we'll check in with you next year.
Hopefully I will be stuffed and mounted in the Asshole Museum by then, dickwad. Also: Go Saints!
More surly animals tags plz.
This year I've decided to take a different tack. If the groundhog sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of furious masturbation.
Chooch it up!
'Cocksuckers'? I think you mean knob gobblers, Phil.
Apparently, groundhogs are pretty much little bastards, yeah.
FUCKING RAT GETS A LIMO!?
Because I cannot resist:
"This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype. Groundhog Day used to mean something in this town. They used to pull the hog out, and they used to eat it. You're hypocrites, all of you!"
It's probably really tough and boney.
Maybe Groundhog Stew.
all-day braise, to be sure
Um – can we get a 'How to Cook a Fucking Groundhog' on Feb. 2nd, dear Editrixes?
I'm on Team Groundhog. I've got a female that lives under my garden shed and I leave apples and peaches by her burrow and worry about her all Winter and Jesus I really need to get out of the suburbs.
That is the cutest thing I have ever heard. I would be Team Groundhog too if I had that!
All I have is possums that live by my garage and eat the cat food. We trap them and go release them at Starbucks.
I'm of two minds about this, because I know it would lead to a very bad ending for poor Phil – but I still can't help wishing he would rip somebody's face RIGHT OFF.
Kathie Lee Gifford.
When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.
Ned? Ned Ryerson??
(Also, I would have been very disappointed had there been no Gobbler's Knob joke. Thanks, Balk!)
The Mayor of Punxsutawney was probably the greatest role that Brian Doyle-Murray will ever play – a career-defining role, if you will.
Really, Doyle-Murray should've just retired after that movie wrapped. He'll never top that performance.
Like I said on that micro-blogging service you may have heard of: I say we replace the groundhogs with Snooki. If she comes out without her Bumpit, six more weeks of winter.
When I initially heard about this "Bumpit" thing, my brain broke it not into the intended "bump-it," but rather into "bum-pit," which is apropos considering how it evokes the distinctive pouf of a bum's armpit.