As it does each time this year, the nation turns its eyes to Punxsutawney, PA, where famed groundhog Punxsutawney Phil delivers his verdict on the coming of spring. We spoke with Phil by phone shortly after he made his announcement.
Good morning! How are things in Pennsylvania?
Cold. It's like fucking winter out here. Jesus Christ, you think they'd let you sleep in on a day like today. Cocksuckers.
You seem a little upset.
You try being shoved into a box and then yanked out by some fuckers in old-timey hats at the crack of dawn and see how cheery you are. Also, I just heard about the Oscar nominations, and I am PISSED about Nicolas Cage getting jobbed. Apart from Steve Buscemi, he's your most rodent-like actor. Fuck Jeremy Renner, Cage should have gotten a nod.
Okay, well, opinions differ. Let's get to the subject at hand. What can we look forward to, an early spring or six more weeks of winter?
What am I, a fucking weatherman? I'm a goddamn oversize ferret. It's amazing to me that you guys actually give a shit about this. I could see seven shadows and it wouldn't make a goddamn bit of difference in the way the seasons work. I think next year I'm gonna whip out my PUNXSUTAWNEY PENIS and show that to the world. You bet your ass you'll see a shadow then.
Wow, for a beloved woodland creature who has signaled the coming of spring since time immemorial, you certainly are a disagreeable character.
You want agreeable? Dig up Punxsutawney Phil '94. There was a bastard who loved the spotlight. Couldn't get enough of it. I should be out in the woods, molesting gophers. This is some goddamn bullshit right here. You can gobble my knob.
Okay, I think we're going to have to end it here. So, for the record, you're predicting six more weeks of winter?
I'm predicting six more weeks of "kiss my ass and lick it clean," you upright-walking shitmouth. This whole goddamn gig is a fucking travesty.
Thanks, Phil, we'll check in with you next year.
Hopefully I will be stuffed and mounted in the Asshole Museum by then, dickwad. Also: Go Saints!