I was forced to spend 15 minutes outside of the house today, because I do not own a printer or a cigarette dispensary, and it could not have been a worse experience. First I had to go to the copy shop, which is about 9 square feet large and was occupied by a young woman on her cell phone who is 1) on new pills for her "wheat allergy."
Also and 2) she is concerned that sometimes, when her boyfriend shows her things in his email, she can clearly see that he is writing to his ex-girlfriend and is she just not supposed to talk about this with him, or should she bring it up, and is that okay, or what is the deal, and why is he doing that anyway? I did feel some concern for her a little, I must say.
Immediately thereafter, during a trip to the deli, the guy behind the counter told me that he'd thought I'd looked kind of fat recently, because, he presumed, I'd quit smoking, but now that I was buying cigarettes again, I was clearly smoking and also, not coincidentally, I was looking quite grand and also thinner. Do you wonder why there are so many ridiculous-seeming novels with these people in them set in New York? It is because that is what it is really like outside.
But sometimes if you go outside you can see a butterfly.
If it is any consolation, San Francisco is worse.
Not so many novels about it, though.
Which *is* good.
I was in Noah's Bagels (I forgot to bring my breakfast last week, so no need to judge me, thank you) and the guy in front of me ordering was asked if wanted his bagel toasted. He replied to the lady taking his order, "What would you recommend?"
DC! DC is bad and the novels about it are terrible and there are also political memoirs which you have to read so you can talk about them at cocktail parties. And there are no bagels of note.
Nah, no judgment here. Noah's is often the best (or only!) option.
My list recently has a lot of items related to dogs and nutty owners (or is that "caretakers"?) But I'm not going into them, as I don't want anyone to bring up anything they may have recently eaten.
Also, in DC they dress like Today's Man and Dress Barn exploded and they just put their arms up in the air and wore whatever fell.
i really enjoyed what that looked like in my head.
I wonder - Choire, was the last time you were in that deli the day you ate the giant salt lick-cum-roast beef sandwich? Maybe you just had This Little Piggy bloat?
you said cum in the same sentence as sandwich! never mind the latin.
Had it this Friday, not as salty as the vag of lot's wife, Balk. Sorely disappointed!
Also: french fry alottment is woeful!
Really??? I tried the fries the other day and was OVERWHELMED.
But maybe I am tiny and dainty.
I am robust and demanding!
@Choire: You went back????
I HATE MY HEART.
WHITE WHINE
One of my favorite time wasters
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
Overheard By Me, walking through 30 Rock:
Child: "Mommy, I can't feel my toes or fingers!"
Mother: "That's too bad."
This morning I heard a mother give the same response to "Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom!"
I live in rural Washington state. Yesterday I went outside and the people in the general store were talking about logging "o'er past the old Dike road." No comment on my love handles.
Walla where?
ACME. We have a bar called the Hawg Trough.
I'm on temporary assignment in Gorman, TX. I had lunch yesterday at the Hard 8 BBQ. It was 1000 kinds of awesome.
Don't even tell me you weren't there to make a photocopy of your butt.
He was there to make a photocopy of Cat's butt.
Seriously, it's like he's got the attention level of Cho. Did he not go out to print cigarettes?
You guys need an intern.
If an intern takes home as large a salary as the employees, is s/he still an intern?
As long as they put up with abuse, then yes.
Wait, still doesn't apply...
Don't tell Cat, but the Japanese have already fashioned a solution for this sort of thing.
I just walked to the library, and saw a dog and people shoveling, and I got a library card for a little boy, and they gave me two books and a graphic novel and a DVD for free; all I has to do is bring 'em back.
Anyway, it was really pretty.
Oh my God. I want to arrive at your place.
Mayberry!
What the hell are you doing with a little boy!?
YOU SAW A DOG SHOVELING??!!
@bakes: Best way to meet little girls.
@Mantooth: EVERYONE works hard out here.
@NAC: With Internet pornography!
@Choire: We have an air mattress and homemade bread and Internet pornography.
Just keep thinking, "Maybe this is the day I'll see someone get smoked by a bus." But be sure you watch where you're walking.
I saw someone get smoked by a taxi in NYC ten years ago. It played out better in my head.
No, he should not be emailing his ex girlfriend and yes, she should bring this up with him. But not until the snow hits full blast so that he has no escape.
But what if she still has his stuff?
Somebody ask that girl what the hell her so-called boyfriend thinks he's doing with that taboo-conversation-subject thing. Made me mad!
I've been eating better and all that jazz and passed by a furniture store, and the sales guy smoking outside said, "Good evening young man..." I like that guy's style!
2500 miles away, and I have the exact same problems. (I.e., need cigarettes, need printing, find the outside fraught with irritation.)
Name names!
My guess is that is the shop on 7th Street, near 2nd Avenue near that place that's been around forever with the good name that sucks balls. (Memory fail!)
I'm torn on an idea I have: I wish we could pitch in and buy Choire (AND FINE ALEX TOO FINE) a cigarette machine for the ApartOffice because wouldn't that be a nice thing to do but on the other hand then we'd be deprived of items like this and no, I don't want to think about a world without Choire's LiveJournal.
Maybe we could just have the cigarettes delivered. Then they could write stories about their interactions with the delivery people.
Oh, no, we've all seen that movie...
Choire's tumblr doesn't count as his LiveJournal? I particularly liked this weekend's entry about cat and restaurant blogging.
StaleDirect
There's a pill for wheat allergies? This is the biggest news of the week! Does it handle Celiac? WHERE IS THIS WOMAN, I MUST QUESTION HER.
SERIOUSLY. That's why I perked up. When she was all, "NO, that one's for my WHEAT ALLERGY." I was like, what are they... ANTI-WHEAT?
Oh, how I hope you're printing Official Awl Membership Cards.
And trading cards!
You didn't get your decoder ring?
I just chipped two inches of ice off my driveway and now I have to drive 20 miles to pick up the dog from the vet after dropping her off there at 7:00 this morning AND it's snowing.
"Hell is other people." Sartre
I just hope Hell takes reservations, but I'm not getting stuck next to the kitchen.
Never get out of the boat.
--Chef
also
It's a fucking tiger, man!
I just got back from walking my dog. Saw 2 cops peering into some store windows with their flashlights. "Hi," I said, "Everything ok?" "Yeah," they said. "We're just bored."
This is what happens in a tourist beach town on a peninsula on Tuesday night in February in the middle of winter.
You live in a Rick Barthelme novel?