"Massholes are not just an economically and educationally diverse bunch. They're also more ethnically varied than Guidos: There are Jews, Irishmen, WASPs, Italians, and Portuguese who will happily cut you off on the Bourne Bridge and then give you the finger." Awl pal Jess Grose suggests the next tribal culture the ethnographers at MTV should chronicle.
I fail to see what the problem is here. If you needed to be cut off on the Bourne Bridge you were obviously in the way ya fahkin' ahshole.
srsly.
So true.
If these retahted out-of-statahs knew how to drive on a fahkin' rotary, I would nevah have to sit in a pahking lot on 495.
No fahkin' kiddin', they're all wicked retahted.
A small quibble: How - HOW??? - could Jess do a nickname generator and not include a "Sully"??? Shit, all of them should be "Sully" if we're really gonna be accurate about things.
I'm having trouble wrapping my mind completely around "Weasel". I feel like a sailor scion named Theodore Taft would go by "Teddy" even if only in homage. I could also see "Tito" becoming a thing. Haha, or "Tits" if he's unfortunate.
But now I want to know more about what sly and creepy things this bro has done in his life to be known as "The Weez" (which is how it would obviously be said.) Tell us, Jess Grose! Don't make Jolie resort to fanfic.
Theodore Taft's nickname was originally Teddy in an earlier draft, but, like with Jersey Shore I figured that some of them needed nicknames that were both not immediately obvious and also wicked retahded. Like Snooki, or Jwoww. Also, I considered having Fitzy be Sully, but then I thought it was too unoriginal because Jimmy Fallon's SNL Boston Teen character is named Sully. Hopefully this answered all of your outstanding Masshole questions!
@JGro: I still think it would have been hilarious and perfect to nickname them all Sully. I can't wait for the episode when Sully, Sully, Sully and Sully go beat up some queahs from p-town!
Yeahhhh, the problem with that is, trashy tri-state area people are funny and likable, but Massholes are HORRIBLE and REPULSIVE.
I would offer BORING and LOUD, but I don't drive, so maybe that changes things.
Hey, fuck ya motha!
I'm sorry but the term Masshole® is a registered trademark of the Masshole® Proshop. Please adjust your post accordingly and refrain from using this term in the future.
(Seriously, they actually trademarked it. http://massholeproshop.com/ I basically got a cease and desist letter from Spreadshirt telling me that I couldn't use it anymore. How in the hell do you trademark Masshole?)
Maybe you can get back at them by sniping their domain name?
"ESPN's Bill Simmons suggested a Jersey Shore spin-off set on the North Shore of Boston. But why set the show on the Commonwealth's second most famous cape?"
WHY here, on beautiful, freezing Cape Ann, you ask, Slate? Surely there's some mileage to be had using last year's Gloucester girls Pregnancy Pact, in which some of the preggo 17 girls got themselves knocked up by a homeless "gentleman." (Just heard on the radio this morning, now to be a LIFETIME MOVIE: http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/the-pregnancy-pact).
Hey Salem State grad degree pursuers! Possible masters topic: parallels between the Gloucester Pregnancy Pact and the rumored (probably not true) pact made between the 5 spiritually-afflicted girls in the 1692 witchcraft hysteria.
Wait, Salem State has a grad program?
To be fair, driving around Boston is a bitch and to do so for more than twenty minutes will make ANYONE cranky and sweary.
But why would you, when everything is just "ten minutes" from here?
BECAUSE I TAKE THE SCENIC ROUTE NOW KEEP QUIET BACK THERE OR I'LL TURN THIS GAHDDAM CAH 'ROUND AND WE CAN GO RIGHT BACK HOME!!!
Or your some asshole from out of town who doesn't know where the fuck he's going.
*flips bird
I think you mean "I'LL BANG A UEY AND WE CAN GO RIGHT BACK HOME!!! THERE'S GONNA BE NO GAHDDAM BRIGHAM'S VANILLA WITH CHOCOLOATE JIMMIES FAH YOU, YA FAHKIN' BRAT."
You guys are making me homesick and I'm sitting right across the street from the Gahden. Above a bar called Sully's.
@TwistedTexan: NOW YAH MAKIN' ME HOMESICK YA COCKSUCKAH. (I would gnaw off my right arm to be sitting at The Greatest Bar that is soooo not the greatest bar guzzling chardonnay with ice, chasing the hottie bahtendah named Alicia around the joint and generally causing a commotion right now.)
^ what she said.
I'll tell her you sayz hi!
But it really is true that people from MA can't drive.
+ New Jersey
I know that no one seems to have told them that turning left in front of oncoming traffic isn't a good idea and that if the person coming the other way screams at you with a terrified look of impending death on their face you really shouldn't flip them off.
And it would help if the signs telling you what lane to be in weren't posted at the junction itself way beyond the point where it is any use.
Yes, and yes
If you lived here you'd know they were going to turn left and planned accordingly. You also would know what lane you were supposed to be in. You Jersey Fuck!
Nah, you just have to get indoctrinated into the complex and subtle intricacies of Mass driving.
Sorry, Jolie, I meant, fuck ya mothah, just leuhn how to fuckin' drive heah, ya retahd!
I wish he'd gone the extra mile and explained that the bar scene in Goodwill Hunting was part of the eternal Townies vs. Barnies (pardon me, Bahnies) power struggle.
This whole thread is making me wicked homesick. I'd punch my grandmother to be able to go to Friendly's and get a Fribble.
I'd kill my motha for a frappe from Harrell's.
(And wait I ADORE that you used the "I'd [harm] my [beloved female relative] because I use it ALL THE TIME and maybe even didn't realize it was my native Masshole coming out!]
Wicked Ausum idea. I lived in a house with local girls on The Cape during every summer of college. None of us knew each other prior to the summer. Every one of us answered an ad. Those summers were F.U.N. We worked and played wicked hard. We had to - in order to pay for college. The drinking age at that time was 18 in MASS., Mondays were the begining of our weekends, beers were 10cents and rents were do-able. I don't know about now. The Cape's service employee base is mostly made of immigrants.