The government of Knifecrime Island, desperate to curtail the epidemic of drunkenness that so defines that nation's blade-wielding denizens, has proposed a ban on cheap alcohol promotions in pubs. The Independent breaks it down for you with a helpful FAQ, which includes this groundbreaking answer to the eternal question of why people drink in the first place.
Academics and policymakers tend to ignore the positive effects of alcohol, but, anecdotally, they are: an increased sense of relaxation and bonhomie; greater sensory appreciation of music, colour, movement and conversation; increased social and community cohesion; increased likelihood of romantic liaisons and sexual intercourse ('Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 1862' is a T-shirt slogan).Now you know!
Try "since 9000 B.C."
"From April, pubs, clubs and nightclubs will be. . .forced to offer free tap water."
Also: it's delicious!
I got your bonhomie. Right here!
Yeah, I'm not really into boning any homies. Not that there's anything wrong with boning homies. That's just not the way I roll. Boning homies I mean. Yeah.
Two-For-One Sociological Claptrap Before 5:00!!
"greater sensory appreciation of music, colour, movement."
Sorry gents, that's LSD.
I was thinking this, too. Apparently I need to switch whiskies.
Srsly.
I like how they're now required to ID anyone who appears to be under 18.
"Knifecrime Island." Like that stupid cat picture of Andrea Peyser, this phrase always makes me laugh.
Time to reintroduce the personal mead-barrel.
we'll all be drowned in a butt of malmsey.
To forget
My boss.
Knifecrime Island. Ha!
Also, because working and the bad kind of boredom are not so fun.
And thanks for highlighting the fun parts just as i'm trying to get that shit under control again after the holiday blackout season.
Sheesh!
Look, alcohol promotions are illegal in of-the-moment Massachusetts, and I can tell you that it doesn't curtail drinking but only makes people fat on the Happy Hour bar food.
"an increased sense of relaxation and bonhomie" my ass. Every time I have a drink somebody ends up glassed.
Also, empty beer bottles are necessary for impromptu glassing sprees.
"Beer is living proof that G-d loves us and wants us to be happy."
--Ben Franklin
I guess that leaves the spirits drinkers on their own for now.
Grant m
So you're giving up on liberal causes because all those campus protests you wasted perfectly good drinkin' and fuckin' time at didn't get anything accomplished, and your shiny new president turns out to be (surprise!) a politician?
Life's a bitch, kiddo. Get used to it.
They banned happy hours, drink specials, etc. in Ireland several years ago, so we just started drinking earlier in the day to compensate.
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.