"I have a refrigerator in the garage. He opened it up, drank a gallon of orange juice, opened the freezer above and munched two frozen pizzas and snacked on frozen chicken. He broke all the shelves and racks out of the refrigerator, bit into some fruit punch and squirted it all over everywhere, then dragged the trash can outside and took a crap the size of a basketball on the front lawn."
—Mill Creek, CA, resident Bill Philpott recounts his victimization at the hands of Bubba, a "bullet-scarred" 700-pound bruin who is terrorizing Lake Tahoe residents.
A W E S O M E
(He was just pissed there was no Taylor ham.)
I don't know what he has to complain about, as he certainly has no need to cook his fucking steak.
ever thought of providing bears with healthy food instead of all that shitty junkfood? sheesh.
Really, no wonder he's 700 lbs. Meantime humans have once again screwed up nature, providing bear food year round so that hibernation is a thing of the past.
Hey, I don't want to be held responsible for Ursuline Type-II Diabetes. I'll leave a box of Kashi bars in my garage tonight!
THIS is why you're shitting basketballs.
Well, he did take out the trash. That's more than you'd get from most teenagers in return for free pizza.
"West Coast Death Bear will take things from you that are stored in your garage refrigerator, eat them, break the refrigerator, make a mess in the garage and then shit on your front lawn, allowing you to move on with your life."
Monday, January 11th, 2010
Serving all Lake Tahoe only
Text 555-742-2293 for an appointment
Free
This situation calls for a helicopter, a rifle and a plucky ex-governor.
Bubba is already bullet-scarred, so he might be a match for that plucky ex-governor.
That reminds me, I need a new rug.
Also I know plenty of people with big cellar-freezers who would WELCOME this bear with open arms.
NOTE TO SELF: CLOSE GARAGE DOOR.
OMG this is probably the bear that came into our garage this summer! Fortunately, there was nothing to eat (except my husband who scared him away). He was huge. We do close the garage door now. I thought he should hibernate at this time of the year?
"Bear Eats Food" is not a story. "Bear Microwaves Pizza," now that'd be a story."Bear Microwaves Pizza to Crispy Perfection," that'd be a job application for manservant.
I can relate; that frozen food runs right through me too.
The only thing on the Awl I feel vaguely qualified to comment on: no way is the bear in that picture 700 pounds.
How did it open the fridge!?
Tenacity!
I held off registering for this site as long as I could. This post finally did it.
"This bear, he said, has been shot on two occasions while breaking into homes. One of the bullets reportedly bounced off his head."
I thought at first that this was Balk writing about himself in the third person, like Gay Talese.