Listen up, all you broads who are worried about your figure: Some study says that living with a man will make you catch fat. You'll gain even more weight if you have his babies, but just by virtue of sharing space with him you're going to pack on the pounds. Still, with research showing that even spinsters who no man could love manage to put on a ten-spot weightwise, is it really fair to blame men for the inevitable enlargening of the fairer sex? Yeah, why not? They pretty much ruin everything else, might as well put this one on their tab too.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
47
It's true! Boys eat more and it's more fun to eat with boys. I never look better than a few weeks after a break up.
Not to mention all the extra calories from licking whipped cream off his dick every night during after-work cocktails & sexy fun time.
After work? Puritan.
Yes, after-work is blowjob time. Because we fuck in the morning, doll.
That's it, I am switching to Cool Whip Free.
(And by "we" I mean me and my imaginary boyfriend because GOD KNOWS no real human would ever date me.)
With that rack? What God do you bank with? You have been FORSAKEN.
I have a HORRIBLE personality. And a LOT of quirks.
Quirks make the world go 'round.
Not only is it our fault that they gain weight, it is our fault that they feel bad about gaining weight. WE ARE SO EVIL.
mwa ha ha
It's also our fault that they move in with us in the first place, wait... um. Men, let us not look this informational gift horse in the mouth and also let us not be to proud to throw this in a Woman's face if we need to. Lady- " I think maybe we should take this to the next level and..." Guy " Well I'd love to, but just so you know, you'll get fat, baby it's true science and nothing is more important to me than your personal body image" Thank you for this Science.
Us geighs make them feel bad about gaining weight without the sexin'.
Double mwa ha ha!
The geighs I know baffle them with bull-pucky by using words like zaftig, which, let's face it, if you're a Gentile, you're not going to know what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks that is.
I'm sure the "W" Magazine plus size photo shoot has something to do with these steatopygic posts.
"No, that's not what I meant at all. I mean there's more of you to divorce."
That's perfect.
This study explains two of my favorite things: potluck dinners and orgies.
Orgies are, by their very nature 'potluck' so the two seem complimentary.
"Love may be blind, but the scale isn't."
Wait WHAT?? That doesn't... oh, forget it.
(Also, how much b-roll of Headless Fatty Shots do you think these news organizations have on file? I guess not showing one's face makes the whole release-signing thing irrelevant, although I can't help but wonder if someone out there has noticed, say, their coat and bag combination while innocently watching the news while prepping dinner.)
The scales are the machines that have become sentient and enslaved us all. It was the scales all along. THE SCALES.
Did KFC start broadcasting the Nightly News?
"This is the weight you could be losing if you switched to Geico."
It would have been more entertaining, and more relevant, if NBC had inverviewed random Australians about this study, still better if NBC had asked random fat Americans to offer their opinions about why married Australians get so damned fat.
Nothing a little AmAppy Lace Catsuit can't solve, yall.
*claws at self*
The key to relationships and eating: less food, more dick.
THIS.
This statement is true.
...even spinsters who no man could love
Thanks for reminding me. I'm just going to sit and cry at my desk for a few minutes while I look online for cat pictures.
Unless the man in question gives you hpv and cervical cancer, in which case, weight is lost. Don't see men getting credit for that.
Remind me to invite you to my next dinner party!
This is why every woman needs a Gay friend to balance out.
I agree completely.
Disagree. My gay friends make me feel like my clothes are unfashionable and I haven't removed enough body hair. At least straight guys only cause me to gain weight.
Well??
But how much does your body hair weigh? SEE WE'RE TRYING TO HELP.
I am thinking about dumping my gay. The tables have turned. I got addicted to Bikram and he increased his bourbon quotient while simultaneously hitting the metabolism wall. This is not the relationship dynamic for I signed up. Advice?
MAKEOVER!!!
Oooh, project!
The worst of it is that--since he has filled out--I think that men think he is my boyfriend when we go out. I will have to take special consideration with accessories.
Each partner should cook for her/himself. Then there is no-one to blame but yourself.
I find front pleats, martyrdom, veganism and jodphurs make my ass look gargantuan.
Balk sucks! Bring back Seth Colter Walls!
Do not share your FreshDirect password!
So I should NOT eat the french onion soup with stock made from baby cow tears and veal bones and loaded with baguette and slathered with cheese when it is placed in front of me at 10pm, fresh from the broiler?
The only way I have been able cope with this issue is to consume nothing but a single cup of coffee and several glasses of water during the day, then go home in the evening, get high, and eat whatever my boyfriend wants to eat.
It's not just the ladies. While single I'll live happily on cereal and the occasional quarter-sleeve of fig newtons. In relationship mode one feels compelled to eat adult meals, with you know, meats and cheeses and such. Side dishes. Hollandaise. There's also a lot more restaurant food, which is always the express way to get embiggened.