Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

Jay And Conan Show Actually Quite Fascinating, by the Incredible Hulk

When still pretend like each otherFrom time to time, The Awl offers its space to normal, everyday people with a perspective on national issues. Today, we're pleased to bring you this report by the Incredible Hulk, who offers a counterpoint to our recent declaration that we "don't care about Jay Leno."

Hulk have to humbly disagree with editors of this site-one of Hulk's best new blogs of year!-on subject of NBC's Jay Leno/Conan O'Brien dispute: Hulk thinks is TOTALLY FASCINATING story and cannot get through thick green skull how anyone else not be as interested.

Think about it: When was last time you get to see major entertainment corporation make such a public and embarrassing mess of things? It almost like Jeff Zucker say, "Me take one of greatest franchises in television history and SMASH!" How Jeff Zucker still working, by way? If it you or me run NBC into ground they fire us LONG TIME AGO. Maybe back when we greenlight "Hidden Hills." For sure after confused mess that was "Joey." Hulk HATE "Joey" worse than tanks and angry generals try to shoot Hulk everywhere he go.

Hulk so intrigued by how strands in big mess will play out! Will Conan take giant red head and go to Fox? If Jay come back at 11:30 are old people who used to watch him still alive? Is David Letterman luckiest man in show business? (Apart from Jeff Zucker, who somehow still employed.) Now that all contenders are mixing it up in monologues, the real winner is us, the late-night viewer! So much funny and angry. Like time Hulk fight Killer Clown!

Look, Hulk know deep in heart that interest is subjective and that what some people find appealing not as compelling to others, but Hulk see so many angles to this story that reflect on way we live now-celebrity turmoil, institutional hubris, a secular decline in viewing patterns, inexplicable ability of Jeff Zucker to keep job, etc.-that Hulk want to sit back and let it all sink in. Hulk think Hulk make point, so Hulk step away and let you resume your regular Awl reading. Hulk thank you for your attention.

The Incredible Hulk's Understanding Gethsemane: Keir Hardie and the Independent Labour Party, 1893-1900, will be published this fall by Harper Studio.

38 Comments / Post A Comment

Pintonator (#2,236)

I really hope this is not the only use of the "HULK ROOT FOR CONAN?" tag.

mathnet (#27)

Dr. Bruce Banner could not disagree more.

brent_cox (#40)

Which is why Banner is puny.

Moff (#28)

I laughed so fucking hard at that tagline.

mathnet (#27)

"by way"

C_Webb (#855)

So no Hulk/Joey buddy show on the horizon, I take it?

I don't know why everyone hates "Joey." I liked it better than that stinky Americanized "Kath and Kim" or "Parks and Recreation."

Wait. You liked Joey more than Parks & Rec?!
I'm… not sure we can be friends anymore.

Don't hate me :| Maybe I have a weakness for goofy Italian guys. I love me some Jersey Shore.

Me, too!
And, thus, through Guidos, you are redeemed. Heh.
(But give Parks & Rec another chance? Will Arnett's gonna be on!)

Matt (#26)

Can't wait for Bizarro's take on how Leno is actually Comedy Messiah later today on Slate!

Htrae Jay Leno am Comedy Messiah but Bizarro not saw Earth Jay Leno. Him have worser things to not watch.

m1keh0gan (#2,900)

Hulk makes an excellent point about Zucker, who, unless it's just an optical illusion, also has a giant head.

KarenUhOh (#19)

I'm not convinced this is on level.

sunnyciegos (#551)

Were you sent here by devil?

deepomega (#1,720)

Hulk smash pudding can!

HiredGoons (#603)

If we could somehow combine them… can you imagine Leno's chin on Conan's head!?

Ted Maul (#205)

I imagine it would like somewhat like Mr. Punch.

Ted Maul (#205)

'Look', not 'like'. Idiot.

attackerman (#1,193)

Just like Modok. Or The Leader.

Natan (#1,967)

The interest for me is all in whether or not spineless-but-tasteful-and-somewhat-creative Conan will grow a pair of balls. I hope he does, but I think he won't. He became as much of an audience ass-licker as Leno over the years.

Then again, I knew someone who worked on the show who said his sense of humor's much meaner off camera. So maybe he's scared of audiences, but not executives. Or maybe he's only got balls when no one's looking? Anyway, I'd love to see him become more like Letterman and less like Leno. I actually like the way he does his monologue, and I hate stand-up.

After examining this piece carefully, I've determined how to "speak Hulk":

1. Substitute the word "Hulk" for the pronoun "I" (but retain the first-person verb conjugation).
2. Delete all articles (such as "a," "an" or "the").

Just follows these simple rules, and you can speak Hulk too! Go on, give it a try!

gort581 (#2,976)

A minor quibble. The author is speaking Cookie Monster, not Hulk.

Natan (#1,967)

It sounds pretty Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer to me. Actually, did the Hulk speak? I don't even know.

A minor correction to your minor, quibble if I may:

To speak Cookie Monster, you must substitute the pronoun "I" with the word "me." To speak Hulk, however, you replace the word "I" the word "Hulk" instead (see rules above).

"And Hulk NOT sorry that Hulk find it spectacularly satisfying to watch teeny tiny career-having, property-owning, H1N1 vaccine sucking-up CGI strangers EAT IT with backdrop of steaming, fetid Los Angeles getting fucked sideways by buildings and malls all angry-style and every single shit-eating, soul-killing highway being lobbed like al dente spaghetti against fridge door of OCEAN."

gort581 (#2,976)

Perhaps it's just Zucker who speaks Cookie, then.

Mr. T pities this fool.

But NP still like him!

sallytomato (#549)

Is there a Hulk Speak generator somewhere online? Because I would like to write my marketing report in Hulk Speak.

tigolbitties (#2,150)

hippity has a comment above that i think will help you translate your report into hulk speak…

Ken Layne (#262)

I finally read an entire article about the late-night talk show wars!

And I am so fucking buying Hulk's new book from Harper Studio.

I would really enjoy a sequel to Night Shift about these goings-on.

6h057 (#1,914)

If a tiny fedora can work for Jeff Zucker (http://6h057.net/post/330704209/a-regal-jeff-zucker) obviously it can work for Leno.

Although, Conan's head's too big.

apcullers (#2,979)

I was with this until Hulk got all emo at the end.

Clip Arthur (#2,024)

At the end of the day, this all makes me miss Carson much more. Neither one of these guys is that interesting in their roles, and Conan was much better with "Late Night" than he is with "Tonight". In end the viewer looses no matter what!

Also, Hulk get some new purple pants already. Yeesh.

SuperBien (#121)

Hulk, did Cookie Monster help you with this? This reads like something he would've written . . .

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