Paramedics on Prison Island are calling for a ban on pool cues and glass ashtrays in pubs to prevent attacks. The government of Queensland, Australia, had previously "banned glasses from some pubs and clubs to stop so-called 'glassing' attacks," but enterprising assailants have simply turned to other tools at hand in their apparent war against ambulance workers, approximately 150 of whom were assaulted in the last year. While Queensland's government has indicated that it is willing to consider further legislation, but local publicans are less convinced.
"I think if we're going to start going down the path of banning pool cues and glass ash trays, we've really got to look at the credibility of our arguments here and what we're trying to achieve," says one. "Because are we going to then start asking females to not wear high-heeled stilettos? Are we going to ban bar stools and tables so we're all standing around? And are we going to ask you to leave your keys outside the venue? To me, it's absolutely absurd."
I kind of love that he can immediately name all the other options with which one can abuse an emergency medical technician. They're crafty, these people!
Maybe start with Bowie Knives?
Can't an ambulance worker make a crust without some yobbo smacking him upside the gulliver with a pint of Darwin Stubbie these days?
I love that they haven't yet banned smoking.
They're trying to keep the populace calm, can you imagine if they were on a NicFit!?
Thass not a shoe. Thass a shoe.
Of course nowhere in the article is it explained why Aussies are attacking paramedics in the first place. Is it because they're trying to take pints away from thirsty publicans? If so, I say bring on the pool cues and the stiletto heels!
I assume it's because the ambulance workers are trying to separate them from their vomit. And there's undigested alcohol left in there.
I don't see a problem with this policy, you really can't have a bunch of convicts running around with weapons now, can you?
Well, we have Florida.
I just hope they've already thought to bolt the furniture to the floor.
There is no place in civilized society for Australians. They should all be put on an island somewhere.
INT. BASEMENT OF THE KILDORF TAVERN.
Meeting of notorious Queensland anti-ambulance gang.
SKINNY GEORGE: Alright, everybody, shut the fuck up and listen up to Killer Mike, cause he's got something to say.
KILLER MIKE: I got something to say.
LARGE LANCE: Tell 'em Killer Mike.
KILLER MIKE: I got something to say about what we stand for, what this gang is about, man, and that's fuck these fucking paramedic pigs.
THE GANG SCREAMS: Yeahhh!!!!! Fuck 'em!!!!
KILLER MIKE: They ride in those ambulances with their stupid goddamn sirens and their stretchers like they own the place, man. And that shit is... God... that (coughing).
SKINNY GEORGE: Killer Mike?
KILLER MIKE: (Staggers and collapses to the ground, writhing) Oh my GOD!!!!! MY CHEST!!!!! JESUS!!!!!!
SKINNY GEORGE: (Kneeling down by Killer Mike's side, trying to calm him) Take it easy, bro. Ride it out. Ride it out. (To Large Lance) Heart attack. He's having a big one.
LARGE LANCE: Man, that is some ironic shit right there.
You take away a ladies weapons and they go right for your eyeballs with claws. Known fact.
True story.
While at a sidewalk table of an Italian restaurant in the Belltown neighborhood of Seattle, my friends and I were threatened by a large drunk homeless man. With no other weapons to hand, I told my friends to call 911 and prepared to put a butterknife through the side of his neck slashing downwards, hoping to slice a critical blood vessel.
Fortunately for us all, he then ran away. The restaurant gave us free drinks and dessert.
All I wanted was some spare change.
You shouldn't have threatened to kill us.
...and a garlic roll.
Note where this is. Queensland. Queensland is brokeknifecrime island with roo's and wallabies.
The rest of the country wishes it would sink into the Pacific away with the same passion the USA wishes Alabama would fall into the Gulf.
Maybe Nerf should sponsor more bars?
Australian person Nick Cave wrote these lines in the mid-1990s:
"Well Jerry Bellows, he hugged his stool
Closed his eyes and shrugged and laughed
And with an ashtray as big as a fucking big brick
I split his head in half ...."