Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
75

What's the Right Talking About Today? "THE JEWS ARE LESS THAN 3% OF THE POPULATION IN AMERICA BUT YET HAVE ALL THESE PEOPLE IN POLITICAL POWER"

A fresh missive from our crazed right-wing emailer, Tony Caputo! (Cc: "Ann Coulter, Esquire"!) Today's topic: all those Jews down in Washington! For instance, this email asks, "ARE THE JEWISH KIDS GOING TO DENTAL, LAW AND MEDICAL SCHOOLS WHILE THE CHRISTIANS FIGHT THEIR WAR? WILL THE LIBERAL PRESS ALLOW THIS QUESTION? WILL THE ACLU, NOT LIKE THESE QUESTIONS?" There is also a long list of Jews in power, and Jews who have won Nobel prizes. You know who else made lists of Jews? That's right: Adrienne Rich.

Just kidding, I totally meant Hitler!
JEWS!

75 Comments / Post A Comment

mathnet (#27)

Jewish House of Representatives would be a great reality show, but only if Rahm Emanuel really lived there.

Ronbo (#2,383)

Interesting that the overwhelming majority of Jewish politicians are Democraps – The party of anti-Semitism and Israel hating.

I conclude that the ideology of Marxism – the ideology of the Democommie Party – has become the new religion for many political Jews, which leads to the logical observation that you can't be a socialist and anything else.

Thus "Jewish-DemocRAT" is an oxymoron.

Ditto: "Christian-DemocRAT"

Of course, "Muslim-DemocRAT" are pretty much on the same page, so that wouldn't be an oxymoron.

djfreshie (#875)

You're a troll right?

RONNNNNNBOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

sigerson (#179)

I used to hate you but I'm starting to warm up to your witty repartee. Keep it up. This whole act you've got is priceless.

GAGAMANSONBO

maggiethecat (#1,667)

"ARE THE JEWISH KIDS GOING TO DENTAL, LAW AND MEDICAL SCHOOLS WHILE THE CHRISTIANS FIGHT THEIR WAR?" Apparently this christian asshole was at war when the teacher went over basic grammar and punctuation.

Ronbo (#2,383)

Who to say he's a Christian? I know I'm saved and going to heaven, but I don't know about you or him.
BTW, speaking of assholes, everyone has one and they all stink – especially yours.

maggiethecat (#1,667)

Awe, that is so damn cute! Believe in whatever you want sweetie, if that will make fate softer for you to handle. My asshole doesn't stink because I have some liberal satanists bleach it for me every Sunday.

NicFit (#616)

I GUESS HE DOESN'T RECOGNIZE AL FRANKEN'S SENATE WIN? BUT WOULDN'T THAT SUPPORT HIS POINT?

+45

sigerson (#179)

AND WHERE'S THE FOOTNOTE FOR THE ** ??? So annoying when you go looking for the footnote/endnote and there's nothing there. Damn.

rj77 (#210)

And he thinks Rahm is still serving in Congress.

Ronbo (#2,383)

ALL HEIL FRANKEN'S SENATE WIN! And many thanks to ACORN – After all, why can't dead DemocRATS vote?

riotnrrd (#840)

Hush, now. The adults are trying to have a conversation.

Please to make RONBOBAIT a tag?

HiredGoons (#603)

plz yes plz.

No tag needed. Ronbo is in the hizzy!

djfreshie (#875)

He has the best wordplay!

KarenUhOh (#19)

You forgot Orrin Hatch.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

And how many uncounted others? "Mezuzah check!"

sigerson (#179)

Mormon?

HiredGoons (#603)

Someone left on the band saw at the crazy mill!

Dave Bry (#422)

Wait. I don't understand. Does Tony Caputo hate jews or love them?

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

He got confused there at the bottom because the laudatory attachment called them "the" Jews. Understandable! Generally, "Jews" = Jewish people; "The Jews" = a vast political/media/banking conspiracy.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

I just realized "the" Jews are like Neapolitan for conspiracy theorists.

HiredGoons (#603)

I also love the 'I only mean certain Jews (but really I mean all the Jews)' line of defense.

iplaudius (#1,066)

Don't you see? Jews are stealing more than their share of Nobel Prizes.

Baroness (#273)

Aren't they crafty that way? A century of philanthropy, social justice, excellence in culture, science, law, finance, medicine just so they can push to the head of the line to cozy up with those clammy Norwegian seniors. Which is what everyone wants, but they're hogging it. Which is an ironic turn of phrase, she realized.

beingiseasy (#1,735)

I'm confused about this email. the entire thing rails against Jews in power and then at the end praises Israel? Not that I want Israel destroyed but the email seems to be fighting a war in which it is both good and evil (this, of course assuming, that wars are fought because of good vs. evil and not because of money or real estate or resources…)

can't we make these posts less frequent? there's a reason I methodically delete without reading most emails from my extended family.

Ha, yes. I'm just obsessed! My obsession will pass.

But here's a hint: THE END TIMES CAN'T COME UNLESS THE JEWS ARE IN ISRAEL.

beingiseasy (#1,735)

ah right…so if they're so concerned with end times are they the ones in charge of programming on the history channel? ARE CHRISTIANS BEHIND MAYAN 2012? There are conspiracies afoot…

HiredGoons (#603)

The secrets all lie in the Rothschild wine cellar – I suggest an AWL field trip to do extensive drinking/research.

Baboleen (#1,430)

Point being keep those jews separate but equal.

LotaLota (#1,703)

I WISH GOD WOULD HURRY UP AND BRING ON THE END TIMES, 'CUZ ONCE THE CHRISTIANS HAVE GONE, THE REST OF US WILL HAVE PEACE ON EARTH.

Ronbo (#2,383)

No the "end times" cannot come until America disappears, which should happen in the next few years with Obama and the Democommies running things.

the Loud Coast (#1,362)

Yeah thats what I thought. Its like the fringe right is supportive of the neo-con aggression in the middle east, but the author of this particular email had just assumed that a generation of Jewish people would drop out of college because of their fierce loyalty to Bill Kristol. He or she is upset that "the Jews" haven't lived up to their imaginary status as a global conspiracy.

P.S. @Ronbo get with the times man, the messiah ceded our sovereignty in Copenhagen this morning, don't you READ the NEWS

Richard (#770)

Weird: I just googled "Tony Caputo", and all I got was some link to a cheese shop and a bunch of photos of hot guys showing their abs: http://ow.ly/KhSM

myfanwy (#1,124)

ONLY 17% OF CONGRESS ARE WOMEN. ARE THE MEN GOING TO LAW SCHOOL WHILE THE WOMEN FIGHT THE WAR?? IS THIS THE REASON AMERICA IS FIGHTING THE MUSLIMS??

rj77 (#210)

IF THE LADIES PUT DOWN THEIR GUNS THERE WOULD BE KNOW VAGINA MONOLOGUES.

rj77 (#210)

'no'.

Dammit.

Ronbo (#2,383)

September 11, 2001 – This is the reason America is fighting Islam. We are the infidel nation, the "Great Satan" and the Muslims want all Americans dead, converted, or their slaves.

beingiseasy (#1,735)

aw, your ignorance is cute.

Mindpowered (#948)

That's so Nads. And early Nads. I feel like it's 2003.

Do you want to buy Vegas real estate?

myfanwy (#1,124)

I read that as "The Great Santa", which also applies, I guess.

HiredGoons (#603)

Someone needs to make those asterisks yellow stars of David.

KarenUhOh (#19)

You know this guy is Jewish, don't you?

HiredGoons (#603)

They can't even spell Muslin right, stupids.

djfreshie (#875)

Holy shit! Both these lists prove one thing and one thing alone. Jews are Awesome!

Strange though…the list omits Sandy Koufax, HERO TO ALL JEWS. Where's his nobel fucking prize for strikeouts?

How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends"?

djfreshie (#875)

YES. We could fit the list on business cards.

Ronit (#1,557)

WHY ARE JEWS RUNNING THE AWL?

Wait, did I say Jews? I meant Koreans.

Antonia Capet (#2,372)

Koreans are the Jews of Asia.

Regina Small (#2,468)

He never explains the asterisks! I hate that!

THANK YOU. It's driving me bonkers.

amuselouche (#448)

Every month or so I get a similar email (aol account win!) but with more Mormons and less Jews. I look forward to them a little too much. My favorite part are the two screens of legal disclaimers at the beginning:

He always starts off sort of normal:

"Legal Disclaimer: No one on this distribution list requested to receive this email."

Then starts to lose the nuance of the law a bit:

"Legal Disclaimer: Because of their religious beliefs, Jehovah's Witnesses are not qualified to run for president of the United States. And neither are Mormons qualified either, because of theirs."

And then eventually just decides to embrace the Rule of Crazy:

"Legal Disclaimer: I feel that I offended some people when I wrote about the fact that Jehovah's Witnesses are not qualified to be president of the United States, and neither are Mormons, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindis, Rastafarians, Scientologists, New Age, Taoists or anyone else who is not of traditional Protestant religions, Catholic religion or Jewish religion. And it's not because God blesses America more than other nations, or that He blesses the peoples of America more than the peoples of other nations (Acts 15:34-35), it's just that His visible organization's headquarters is here in the United States (in Brooklyn Heights) and so is Satan's visible organization's headquarters now in the United States too (in Salt Lake City), but who can believe me? The United States will be instrumental in establishing worldwide peace, true, lasting peace, but who can believe me?? I feel depressed, overwhelmed, discouraged, and even moreso since CIA agents of Register.com are preventing me from posting this information, however, no matter how I feel, I must nonetheless continue to post information at my website as soon as CIA agents of the Mormon church stop illegally preventing me from doing so, and or I must continue to distribute emails."

I did always suspect that Brooklyn Heights was Jesus's chosen headquarters though.

Ronit (#1,557)

I went and googled Acts 15:34-35. The passage refers to Antioch, which is obviously another name for Brooklyn.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

Curse you, thorough Gmail spam filter!

amuselouche (#448)

Ha – yes, to clarify, the aol account belongs to the sender, not to me (which would require me posting this comment in 1996). It actually comes to my work account which is even weirder, as it means that my tech department believes I have a much greater need to received emails titled "CIA agents of the Mormon church are preventing me from posting information to my website" than ones with subject lines such as "Important Case File." They are not incorrect.

the Loud Coast (#1,362)

" Satan’s visible organization’s headquarters now in the United States too"

but where is his INVISIBLE organizations headquarters?

(the answer is that it's in all of our hearts)

Corey (#2,515)

The list of Muslim Nobel winners seems woefully incomplete. Didn't Mohamed Yunus (Grameen Bank guy) win the peace prize a few years ago?

djfreshie (#875)

Didn't ex-Blue Jay Shawn Green once hit a Grand Slam dinger off Mohamed Yunus?

Yeah, I could Jew-athlete all day. it's the most rewarding.

Antonia Capet (#2,372)

Also, "Najib Mafoo" is not a thing.

BillyMilder (#723)

I'm sure the Vietnamese clapped their skin-grafted stumps together after Kissinger's 1973 Nobel Peace Prize win.

thdx3 (#2,517)

I like how the font keeps getting bigger and BIGGER and then all teeny…my 3rd grade teacher Miss Rosenfeld used that quiet voice technique to make sure she held our attention. She was a Jewess.

NeonTrotsky (#2,249)

It's like reverse Nazism–"the Jews control the world, and that's just peachy keen!"

HiredGoons (#603)

Can't we disown Joe Lieberman? I actually think he is a distant relative, so I would gladly personally undertake this endeavor.

beingiseasy (#1,735)

Lets get The Awl to liveblog the impeachment-from-your-family hearings.

Okay. I read this. Now there is clear fluid coming from my ears and nose. Does anyone know what this means?? It smells like chicken soup in here.

raf_oh (#1,296)

Per Wikipedia, about 1.5M or 0.4% of US is on active duty. He says less than 2% of Jews are, which would be 5x rate of everyone…

…except I googled it, and he meant to say < 0.2%.

Jews – too good at math to serve.

Ron Obvious (#351)

The Nobel Prize for Literature winner is Naguib Mahfooz, crazy e-mail rant guy. If there is any justice in this world, Ismail Kadare will also win the Nobel before he snuffs it.

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