Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
13

New Holiday Song: "Christmas With The Family"

The happiest time of yearWe are mercifully approaching the end of the Christmas music season! Just a couple more days and you don't have to think about "Silver Bells" for another year. But I've been thinking: When's the last time we got a new Christmas song, one that accurately reflects the way we live now? Not for a long time, right? So I went and wrote one just now. Hopefully it will join the pantheon of holiday favorites, particularly if someone bothers to set it to music. Anyway, enjoy! I hope you find a little bit of yourself in it. And Merry Christmas!

The traffic sucked, your flight was late
Your luggage got "delayed"
It's clear we're near the special date
That makes us all afraid

Yes, the family's all together for the holidays
Getting loaded just to fake some Christmas cheer
Sulking in the shadow of the fire's blaze
Hoping that we're dead this time next year

Mother's in the kitchen whipping up a snack
Crying about how you never call
Father's sneaking whiskey in the shed out back
Wishing that that bitch would hit the mall

Sister isn't happy with the gift you gave
"Just another lousy pair of slacks"
Grandma has decided that she won't behave
Listen to her rant about "the blacks"

Yes, the family's all together for the holidays
Getting loaded just to fake some Christmas cheer
Sulking in the shadow of the fire's blaze
Hoping that we're dead this time next year

Brother's looking anxious and depressed again
Just the way he does each year this day
Just two simple words would make things right, but then
He'd have to tell your mom and dad he's gay

Uncle Eddie's leaning drunk against the kitchen hutch
Like he has been since you were a tot
And even though you both recall that one bad touch
He prays to God each year that you forgot

Yes, the family's all together for the holidays
Getting loaded just to fake some Christmas cheer
Sulking in the shadow of the fire's blaze
Hoping that we're dead this time next year
Yes, we're hoping that we'll all be dead next year

13 Comments / Post A Comment

HiredGoons (#603)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

(is that Thomas Kinkade? 'cause fuck you for making me look at it).

It's a Balk post that has art. Question answered?

HiredGoons (#603)

"grumble mumble"

mathnet (#27)

ALEXANDER. BALK.

raincoaster (#628)

What's worse is running out of booze by 11 am.

Baboleen (#1,430)

I just returned from the doctor's office thinking I have an ear infection. It's no ear infection. I'm clenching my jaw-grinding my teeth. Ya know what? 2 days til I see family-it makes perfect sense.

garge (#736)

I have been waking up with sore teeth all week; I even bit my tongue really badly the other night. OF COURSE, it makes sense .. thank you for saving me the cost of a mouth-guard, shipped.

KarenUhOh (#19)

That made me send Jesus outside to fire a couple of rounds into the air.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Didn't all the Jews get Keillor's note re: this behavior?

Balks Mom (#1,921)

I really wish you wouldn't air the family's dirty laundry on your little website, Alex.

I just saw this, and I laughed. Glad to see where you get it from, Balk.

deadlinehollywood.com: TOLDJA!: Balk Christmas Carol goes for $$$ at Fox Searchlight. Plan for Xmas 2010 Release

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