Firstborns: Avaricious Bastards Or Supercool Exemplars Of Awesomeness?
Are firstborn children more selfish and less trusting than those born in lesser positions? That's one interpretation of this study, in which subjects were given a "monetary unit" and asked to give some away with the understanding that they might get some back. The results? "On average, eldest siblings gave 25 per cent less 'money' than non-firstborns or only children." I'm not sure what exactly this shows, but as a firstborn myself, I can offer pretty solid scientific evidence in the shape of my own personage that firstborns RULE.
Onlys are way awesomer.
FACT.
Spoken like a true only child.
SERIOUSLY.
UNDISPUTED FACT.
This statement is true.
EXPLAINS A LOT.
Never being forced to share and always being the default center of attention/apple of your parents' eye–what could possibly go wrong?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, OBVIOUSLY.
For proof of the awesomeness of The Only, let us compare my avatar to one Mister Alexander Balk's.
Me: Bourbon obscuring boobs.
He: Hand obscuring face.
Bourbon > Hand
Boobs > Face
From this we can clearly not choose the wine in front of Alex Balk and by the transitive property Only Children > Oldest Children.
Also: NO BUT SERIOUSLY I ROCK!
Tags:I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA; THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER EMOTIONAL COMMITMENTS BEFORE ME; THOU SHALT HONOR THY SON AS THYSELF; FOR GOD SO LOVED HIS ONLY SON HE GAVE HIM THE WORLD; DADDY I WAN' IT.
And my avatar for proof that we are also hilarious! (Ahem. MOFF!)
@Mantooth: Would be more convincing if SOMEONE ELSE HADN'T HAD TO SET YOUR AVATAR UP FOR YOU.
Firstborns: MORE CAPABLE.
@Moff: OR! If the avatar police in these here parts hadn't decided that only G-rated avatars were permitted!
Onlys: MORE HONEST WHEN EVALUATING POTENTIAL OFFENSIVENESS OF AVATARS
@Mantooth:(Uummm, oops?)
@MANTOOTH: WHATEVER. I AM LEAVING NOW TO GET PAID TO EAT ITALIAN FOOD AND MAKE LOVE TO MY WIFE IN THIS CABIN. BOOM ROASTED
@Joles: I see absolutely nothing offensive here, darlin'.
EXCEPT MOFF'S FACE! ZING!
My parents saw me and said, "Why bother trying again?"
Speaking as a last-born, I can safely assure you that Mommy loves us more. So suck on that with your "smarts" and your "achievements" and your "perfect attendance." It will NEVER make Daddy love you more than me!
Firstborn gingers turn out to be extremely problematic.
hey now…
I heard Hitler was a firstborn ginger, but his ginger gene was recessive so it didn't show. But he knew, he knew.
Word. We firstborns do RULE. We enter the world screaming First! We break in our parents. We're the ones responsible for the key in "latch-key kids." So I'm keeping that 25% as a consulting fee for my lesser siblings damnit.
Wait, wait. I'm the baby (by more than a decade) and the only girl. My brothers tell me all the time that I am the selfish, spoiled one. I will totally win them over by showing them this study!
That's called Only Child Syndrome. The age gap makes you basically an only child. I have a sibling like this too, she married extremely well and has the planets most adorable fuss free child. You will win in the end.
Does this apply to twins?
Well. A friend of mine's email handle is "OlderTwin"…
My cousins are fraternal twins and the older one is totally domineering or 'alpha.'
Are people still doing birth-order studies? I thought this was chucked in the same bin as evolutionary psych…At any rate, first-born kids are completely perfect and awesome in every facet whatsoever. Because if they weren't, they wouldn't be First.
I wondered that too…and then was happy that they confirmed the total awesomeness of firstborns, which everyone knows in their heart of hearts to be true.
I will take credit for being both supercool exemplar and avaricious bastard. most bastard though..
Here are some things that are awesome about firstborns:
- How good-looking we are
- How smart we are
- How few hand-me-downs we wore or played with
- Did not strangle younger siblings (TOTAL WILLPOWER)
- Got to name many pets
- We are awesome
- GOB Bluth
- Everyone wants to swing with us.
- Rule at sex
- Can cast spells as a magic-user of same level
- Hide in shadows
- Often spontaneously compose epic poetry in original Greek
- Younger siblings get beaten up for making fun of your friends with stripper names
TRUE.
All of these things are true!
Subjects were asked to give away some of the "money" with the understanding that they *might* get some back? Sounds like the firstborns are just smarter. Which is accurate.
I agree with Colm TóibÃn, the point of this study was demonstrated more than 38 years ago in episode 59 of season three of The Brady Bunch where Jan, frustrated by comparisons to her older sibling Marcia, utters the famous line, "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"
There is that thing called 'dethronement anxiety' which, hello???
The Youngest Was the Most Loved
Obviously firstborns are fabulous — otherwise wouldn't most parents have decided it was too risky to have any more children?
There have been more first born US Presidents and Nobel Prize Winners than any other birth ranking. Famous first borns include Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Ted Turner, Winston Churchill, Jimmy Carter, Geoffrey Boycott, Edward Heath, Cecil Parkinson, Saddam Hussein, Joseph Stalin, Mussolini, Che Guevara and Carlos the Jackal. In the entertainment profession, firstborns tend to play macho leading roles.
Famous firstborn actors include Humphrey Bogart, Sylvester Stallone, Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and Bruce Willis.
First born actresses tend to become leading ladies. They prefer the strong roles and shy away from the damsels in distress. Bette Davis, Joan Collins and Vivien Leigh are all first borns.
What about twins that kill their siblings in the womb?
They become failed super-scientists, mostly.
jesus, I thought we younger kids had issues. This comment thread is like a view into a secret club that always used to make fun of me for being spoiled/self-centered, and LOOK what you do when you are all together.
Also, need to know Choire's birth order please.
Choire sprung fully formed from a patch of awesome, the usual rules don't apply to him.
True! Wearing a rakish little leaf hat to boot!
What if you're the second-born, but the first-born is basically no longer a functioning member of the family unit? WHAT THEN??
See: 'Stand By Me.'
Also: "My Sister's Keeper"
I have to dispute these results. I'm an only, and my utter self-absorption and selfishness knows no limits.
This is also why I have very few friends, so I WIN.
Wait.
Just like I would do to my older, first-born brother, I'm ignoring you.
It's clear that firstborns have gamed the system. As a thirdborn I demand reparations.
As the third, you probably didn't even have a curfew!
"lost your birdie, thirdie"
How about if you're smack dab in the middle of 5? I think it's equal to being center of the universe!
Manipulator club.
I am waiting for the Middle Child Syndrome post to see who my real associates are.
red-headed firstborns will break two of your fingers and then blame you for putting your hand in the way when they kicked you. no i'm not still bitter, why do you ask?
This is a no-brainer. When we give things to our younger siblings, we never get them back, because they don't respect anything and our parents let them do whatever the fuck they wanted. "Hey sis, can I borrow like $300 to go to Bonnaroo? Mom and Dad said they won't loan me the extra above and beyond the half of my rent they already pay each month. What assholes! Promise I'll pay you back!" Absolutely not, Little Bike.
I feel like this is a sly attempt to gauge readership demographics. You won't trick me, Balk! First-borns see right through your ruse…