Monday, November 16th, 2009

Wisconsin Plagued By Werewolves

The Wolfman of Wisconsin. The American Werewolf. The Beast of Bray Road. Whatever you call it, America's dairlyland has a lycanthrope problem, and I don't think any of us can rest safely until we get to the bottom of it.

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Hairless bears with sexy six-packs, or viral marketing campaign for New Moon.

josh_speed (#97)

Yeah, you know I am not partaking in that Twilight: New Moon bullshit at all, am not a fan, not in the least–but that Taylor Lautner [the 'sexy' I think you allude to, above] is my embarassing crush of the month.

The WI sketch artist drew sixpacks on there, so it was partially that, and partially a nod to that Taylor kid. He is crazy (illegal) hot. You aren't alone.

Bittersweet (#765)

Robert Pattinson is so last year.

Apparatchik (#811)

Now I'm going to have my eyes peeled for sexy werewolves when I go home to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving – but I would prefer one that looks more like Scott Speedman than Lautner.

T.L. is actually legal to lust after (in most states) – not that I have a laminated wallet card with state-by-state age of consent or anything.

HiredGoons (#603)

I've said it here before, and I'll say it again: people projecting human sexuality on to animals is weird.

Baboleen (#1,430)

The image does have a strange resemblance to Hugh Jackman.

It's not just Wisconsin. I spotted the beast on The Upper West Side; he's employed in the meat department at Gourmet Garage and I will never go back there even with a gun. Also, their prepared meals are not good.

crotchety (#594)

For those unfamiliar with Wisconsin, be aware that everyone there is nearly always drunk. This would explain both the werewolves and their sightings. I'll hazard most of these sightings have taken place in the LaCrosse area.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Actually, these are all south and east of Madison. I'm surprised no one's hit on the "Holy Hill" reference yet.

This could be just a few Blue Ribbon refugees out and about in hairshirts.

Moff (#28)

That said, everyone out here, no matter where they are in the state, really is nearly always drunk. It's breathtaking and a little scary.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Moff, are you not from ND…? Where the "being drunk always" rate tops Wisconsin's? How can you be scared?

Moff (#28)

No, I have always bragged (usually after five or six beers) that no one knows how to drink like a North Dakotan (usually I knock over my beer glass or actually spill on myself while taking my next sip at that point). But it's different here. North Dakotans are, like, more subdued about their drunkenness. Oh, we can get loud and fighty, and we certainly have no problem moronically tottering off to our cars or snowmobiles after closing time. But there is a sort of sense of shame that accompanies heavy drinking in ND, especially once you're over 30.

Whereas in Wisconsin, like, grown-ups just go to the bar. A lot. Or get up before 11 a.m. UW football games and are not least as smashed by kickoff as your average fraternity brother, but are pretty damn glassy-eyed. It's not something I ever saw in Fargo (and certainly not something I saw in Lincoln, a college town that takes its football as seriously as anywhere). Plus, because of all the beer production and beer history here, it's a political issue that, again, grown-ups become inordinately energized over. It really is sort of religionized in a way it's not back home.

And also, people just can't drive for shit here, sober or drunk, which makes it extra-alarming. And that's not even taking into account the fact that Madison's streets are laid out in a pattern that can only have been designed to keep Cthulhu and the other Great Old Ones locked within an extradimensional prison until the end of time.

Seconding the notion that Wisconsinites cannot drive for shit. Holy hill.

edp (#935)

Wisconsin plagued by furries. Local teens horrified by alternative lifestyle.

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