I will now relay to you the plot of Cirque du Soleil's Wintuk, which plays each holiday season in the 5600-seat WaMu Theater at Madison Square Garden.

ACT ONE
During a preamble, which includes a plea that no pictures be taken throughout the performance, something is stolen by a short guy with a ballet dancer ass who is wearing a striped green-and-black sweater. Some police officers in skin-tight bodysuits (these say POLICE on them) appear. They are on bicycles. Although they cannot apprehend the suspect from their bicycles, they refuse to dismount. There is a lot of crime in this city, which looks to be located somewhere between Norway and Mongolia. The city is filled with giant, frightening dogs, who roam about aggressing passers-by.

Most people choose to skate through this town, so that they are not assaulted by dogs or by thieves. Amid all this brutality, a boy and a girl begin to flirt. They make friends with a homeless woman. She is friends with a homeless crazy person who lives in a trashcan.

The thief steals someone's pants. He is forced to climb a dangerous rope to retrieve them. And a rich man passes through downtown, with sad results; his packages are stolen.

A policeman, still on his bicycle, plays a frightening whole body version of the five-finger fillet on the thief-just like the android in Aliens, but using only his bicycle tires.

A woman juggles because she is lonely and no one will talk to her.

Why is not not snowing, even though it is winter, the young boy wonders. That is because there is no more snow ever, he is told. Something bad has happened to the planet.

Then some huge fucking terrifying birds show up to indicate that things are only going to get worse.

ACT TWO
The children, who have moved beyond flirting and into the stages of devotion, leave the horrible city and go north to the land of winter. This place is a monarchy, where status is determined by the strength of one's floor routine. The queen of this land is extremely flexible and is forced into outrageous positions to retain her authority.

There are a number of Asian people who live in this country. They are forced to dress identically in identifying gold catsuits so that they are desexualized, although there are Asian men of lesser status who are marked by their Flash Gordon-esque vests with ridges at the shoulders. Oddly, these outfits bare their breasts.

Some very scary giant walking bags of trash show up and try to abduct the young girl from the city and to kill everyone. They are murdered.

The burglar shows up to steal things but is confronted with his identically-clad (and identically-assed) twin. They have hot gay sex, using some giant bouncy exercise balls. They crawl all over each other! They have been so lonely! But, for their interest in homosexuality, the Flexible Queen punishes them by commanding them to wear skirts.

There is a police raid upon the land of the north. Everyone is chasing everyone. More burglars arrive. More and more police arrive.

Then, two women descend from heaven. Using interpretive dance, they urge the people to repent.

The huge scary birds return. Enraged but unable to speak, they frantically flap their wings. Is it a warning? A threat? As the curtain falls, we hear the screams of rural villager and city person alike.