The Plot of 'Wintuk'
I will now relay to you the plot of Cirque du Soleil's Wintuk, which plays each holiday season in the 5600-seat WaMu Theater at Madison Square Garden.
ACT ONE
During a preamble, which includes a plea that no pictures be taken throughout the performance, something is stolen by a short guy with a ballet dancer ass who is wearing a striped green-and-black sweater. Some police officers in skin-tight bodysuits (these say POLICE on them) appear. They are on bicycles. Although they cannot apprehend the suspect from their bicycles, they refuse to dismount. There is a lot of crime in this city, which looks to be located somewhere between Norway and Mongolia. The city is filled with giant, frightening dogs, who roam about aggressing passers-by.
Most people choose to skate through this town, so that they are not assaulted by dogs or by thieves. Amid all this brutality, a boy and a girl begin to flirt. They make friends with a homeless woman. She is friends with a homeless crazy person who lives in a trashcan.
The thief steals someone's pants. He is forced to climb a dangerous rope to retrieve them. And a rich man passes through downtown, with sad results; his packages are stolen.
A policeman, still on his bicycle, plays a frightening whole body version of the five-finger fillet on the thief—just like the android in Aliens, but using only his bicycle tires.
A woman juggles because she is lonely and no one will talk to her.
Why is not not snowing, even though it is winter, the young boy wonders. That is because there is no more snow ever, he is told. Something bad has happened to the planet.
Then some huge fucking terrifying birds show up to indicate that things are only going to get worse.
ACT TWO
The children, who have moved beyond flirting and into the stages of devotion, leave the horrible city and go north to the land of winter. This place is a monarchy, where status is determined by the strength of one's floor routine. The queen of this land is extremely flexible and is forced into outrageous positions to retain her authority.
There are a number of Asian people who live in this country. They are forced to dress identically in identifying gold catsuits so that they are desexualized, although there are Asian men of lesser status who are marked by their Flash Gordon-esque vests with ridges at the shoulders. Oddly, these outfits bare their breasts.
Some very scary giant walking bags of trash show up and try to abduct the young girl from the city and to kill everyone. They are murdered.
The burglar shows up to steal things but is confronted with his identically-clad (and identically-assed) twin. They have hot gay sex, using some giant bouncy exercise balls. They crawl all over each other! They have been so lonely! But, for their interest in homosexuality, the Flexible Queen punishes them by commanding them to wear skirts.
There is a police raid upon the land of the north. Everyone is chasing everyone. More burglars arrive. More and more police arrive.
Then, two women descend from heaven. Using interpretive dance, they urge the people to repent.
The huge scary birds return. Enraged but unable to speak, they frantically flap their wings. Is it a warning? A threat? As the curtain falls, we hear the screams of rural villager and city person alike.
I cannot convey how profoundly disappointed I am that this isn't some Upstairs, Downstairs knockoff about Anna Wintour's household staff in the Hamptons.
Wait. I read it again. Perhaps that's what it is.
That sounds surprisingly Dadaist for Madison Square Garden.
That sounds absolutely terrifying.
As breaking the three act structure should.
I was hoping that after the jump it would just be the full photo….
Also "A woman juggles because she is lonely and no one will talk to her."
"Because a woman juggles she is lonely and no one will talk to her."
There. Fixed.
Damn, I thought this was a performance art piece about acrylic yarn…
Cirque Du Soleil plot recap or Tao Lin novel?
"Some police officers in skin-tight bodysuits (these say POLICE on them) appear."
All right, tell us where you really were.
HotCops!
You forgot the part where Liza Minelli plays four incredibly flexible street lamps at once.
Ha, Cirque de Soleil is 20% owned by Dubai World. I was going to say something about their due diligence but they're the same people who financed an indoor ski resort in the desert and a 300-island archipelago in the Persian Gulf.
Snort and chortle all you want. It's pretty! I need Mary HK Choi and Natasha Vargas-Cooper to explain why it is OK for me to like this.
Note the SPARKLES!
Whaaaaatttttt this sounds awesome. I wish it was playing in San Francisco instead of some stupid thing about fucking BUGS.
Oh good, I was afraid you were going to tell us it's no good!
Fascinating and packed with action, huzzah!!
On the other hand, it's depressing to know that Cirque is taking over the Beacon for the foreseeable future with this jewel and shutting down live music there.
So, eat some mushrooms beforehand and all will be wonderful.
Sounds fucked up. And allegorical.
Why does Cirque du Soleil hate America?
LOOK AT THE EYESHADOW!!!! It's Nomi Malone on ice! *faints*
THANK YOU.
Nomi Malone or Klaus Nomi?
spoiler alert!