The December Architectural Digest hit mailboxes yesterday. Hey, wow, is it ever covered in words! And a new urgency. These words, they promise us such delights as... a look inside the homes of Magic Johnson and Malcolm McDowell and Carole King? This was not a thing I ever thought I might want! Architectural Digest's ad pages were down 58% over last year, so clearly they are compelled to try something new. Or is it? We took a look back the magazine's December issues, and its increasingly strenuous cover packaging over the past 20 years.
December 1979:
December 1985:
December 1987:
December 1993:
December 1997:
December 2001:
December 2002:
December 2003:
December 2004:
December 2005:
December 2006:
December 2007:
December 2008:
Patricia Heaton? Who on earth has any interest in seeing her house? It's like they went out of their way to find the most boring people on the planet.
So the concept is, they're all playing Trivial Pursuit.
I may have shared this before, but my disdain for Architectural Digest began in junior high after spending five of my hard-earned dollars for it and expecting a magazine about architecture.
architectural digress
The old "throw everything against the wall and hope something sticks with someone" strategy. As a magazine art director I feel for them.
Mary Wells??? The Motown Mary Wells??
Andy Williams? The Branson Andy Williams?
And where's Claudine Longet living these days? I'd like to know who did her target range.
Which is more disappointing? A) that we are given proof that so many name-brand people have such horrible taste, decorators-- or both. B) that editors now think that only name-band people can sell name-band products?
The only two things I find remotely appealing are the grand piano and the Lempicka.
I've never seen that house in Dec. 2004 though - anyone have an idea?
if it's not listed in the photo credits, it means they were too cheap to buy a full page.
I might pay $5 for the Lempicka, if done in velvet.
The subject might also look good as tinted lard sculpture.
I never knew Streisand owned that "Adam and Eve" by de Lempicka. Jack Nicholson and Madonna were two of her big collectors, and competitive about it. It's a fine painting, but I'd bet Streisand has sold it by now, fickle bitch.
Someday I want a fuckpad done exactly like Faye Dunaway's pad in "Eyes of Laura Mars". Grey and taupe, conversation pit, ferns, lots of ashtrays and glassy surfaces for cutting coke. Rene Auberjenois as my butler.
Whoa, I could use some words to help explain that post-modernist shitshow in Dec. 1987, because I am fresh out.
picass o' shit?
though i believe post-moderninst shitshow is a nice summation.
It's like MC Escher went to FAO Schwartz.
I actually do want to see Malcolm McDowell's house, but only if I'm living in it. I know, I have issues.
Sadly, I bet it doesn't look anything like the Korova Milk Bar.
I would love to see Boleskine House.
I would, too, even though I'd probably be quaking in my skank boots.
Mmm, rippling leather...
I don't like the way Giada De Laurentiis annunciates the word "pancetta", and I'm sure I'll hate her closet, too.
Kelsey Grammar....AGAIN?
Also, Elton John...AGAIN? (though he does have a cool "folly" collection in Atlanta).
Are they just repurposing old features?
I will say that Paige Rense has the most seriously bitchy editor page in the business. She settles personal vendettas in print and all I can say is, don't cross her. And for sure, do not have her crew fly out to Hawaii, shoot a giant feature on your home, knowing that you are just going to turn around and use the article as a marketing tool to sell the house. Because she will go Old Testament on your ass in AD and CALL YOU OUT. Rense is GANGSTA.
I thought marketing your home to prospective buyers was the only reason for having you house in AD.
Something like three out of five books I buy are about architecture, and I'm the kind of jackass who pulls into driveways to take pictures of interesting-looking houses or buildings or (really) public restrooms. Look at these fucking park restrooms, along a bike trail in some charmless SoCal beach town! It's a cheap block toilet rectangle made elegant with a fancy arched roof!
Anyway I hate that Architectural Digest something fierce. I don't hope it goes under, because magazine jobs, right? But it would be swell if all the subscribers died of ass-rickets yet were all set on auto-renew forever. (Oh and also everyone involved with those vulgar, shitty houses and apartments featured within, all those people should be drowned in rat semen.)
This might be of interest:
http://www.urbantoronto.ca/showthread.php?t=7591