Thursday, November 12th, 2009
44

Ode To A Hot Chick From The Movies

Attractive ladySure, you can read Lynn Hirschberg's long profile of Megan Fox in this week's New York Times Magazine. And you should! Even though the lead is "Megan Fox is a fox," you'll still learn some stuff. But if you're pressed for time, we've condensed the whole thing down to a brief poem. A poem about Megan Fox. I call it "Megan Fox: The Poem." Read closely, there's going to be a quiz later.

Megan Fox: The Poem

By Alex Balk
(after Lynn Hirschberg)

Megan Fox
Has dark brown locks
Worn parted in the middle
And when she speaks
She often shocks but still remains a riddle

Though Megan Fox
Dons sultry frocks
She's really quite demure
It bothers her
That other girls all treat her like a whore

Megan Fox
Has taken knocks
From those with whom she's worked
And though she isn't blameless
She can't help but still be irked

Megan Fox
Quite clearly rocks
She's fun and self-aware
She plays the game and knows the rules:
Boys like it when girls swear

Megan Fox
Lives in a box
Where all the men behold her
But not forever; watch the clocks:
All pretty girls grow older

44 Comments / Post A Comment

David Cho (#3)

Wow.

Alex Balk (#4)

Well, you said users wanted more poetry.

ALEXANDER. BALK.

!!!

Ed Hardy heroic couplet, plz.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

A lovely Horatian turn at the end.

Ronit (#1,557)

Best Megan Fox-related poem I've read, ever.

GiovanniGF (#224)

I think a limerick would have sufficed.

Alex Balk (#4)

There once was an actress named Meg
Who made all the newspapers beg
"Can we profile you?
'Cause our sales will accrue.
And also, could you show some leg?"

I fear a new meme.

oudemia (#177)

Scansion! Maybe: And please could you show us some leg.

seoulman (#2,226)

Some seriously lyrical poetic $#!%… I will be your acolyte forever if you throw in a Megan Fox Haiku and Cinquain.

Dave Bry (#422)

"Megan Fox is such a wild babe/(Giggles) But what's in a name?"

That poem is excellent.

Bucko (#1,599)

I'm shocked that you didn't use the word cocks. Major self-control dude.

LondonLee (#922)

I know, the last verse was begging for it with "box" and "clocks" – must try harder, see me after class.

Slava (#216)

I just mentally replace "clocks" with "cocks" and it still makes perfect sense to me.

mathnet (#27)

Megan Fox, whom Alex jocks,
Is worthy of attention.
She laughs and moves and even talks.
Too many skills to mention!

mathnet (#27)

BUT I'M NOT JEALOUS

belltolls (#184)

Ogden Nash would have approved this message.

Moff (#28)

I wish she'd go in and out with me.

mathnet (#27)

Girl could use a good vagina exam.

Moff (#28)

Clearly, what I need is a "VAGINA EXAMINER" T-shirt.

Spring break!

so much depends
upon

a young film
starlet

glazed with lip
gloss

for whom Balk's pulse
quickens.

mathnet (#27)

Now see I thought you were heading toward "chicks."

mathnet (#27)

I mean but I like it!

hockeymom (#143)

Can you, haiku?

Alex Balk (#4)

Pretty movie star
Why do you confuse us with
Brian Austin Greene?

hockeymom (#143)

You slay me.

#56 (#56)

i don't think i could love you more.

garge (#736)

Since you really got to the heart of it all, here, I am not going to be That Guy and say, "Pushkinian sonnet?"

egad (#1,355)

While of Balk I'm sure;
Tranvestite ruse of one Fox
casts doubt on all men.

It is my first haiku… may have gone wrong somewhere.

iplaudius (#1,066)

Alex Balk,
Like Jonas Salk,
Can help inoculate you:
An inch of scotch,
A cigarette, and one broad to fellate you.

Alex Balk,
Is wont to talk
Of bears and booze and Brits;
Listen well,
You'll be less stupid than with other wits.

Alex Balk,
Has blood like caulk,
His arteries are clogging,
He loves his chips
And beer and fags, and isn't one for jogging.

Alex Balk,
Would never stalk
A faithful female reader;
She'd pursue him
Immodestly, begging him to breed her.

Alex Balk,
Is known to walk
Around the streets of Soho,
Kissing babies,
Shaking hands, and slapping every Boho.

Alex Balk
Requires no chalk
When he's playing pool:
He grinds the cue
With his sharp wit and scatters every fool.

Alex Balk (#4)

Jesus. Next time I'm just gonna let you guys do these posts while I sit back and watch YouTube.

iplaudius (#1,066)

That was tribute. A commenter writes nothing without inspiration; your ode was ingenious.

You can have my commenter number if you want it, though 1066 is pretty cool.

iplaudius (#1,066)

Thank you, but I love my number – neither woman Nor man can take it away from me.

Bittersweet (#765)

Wow. Kudos.

oudemia (#177)

Bravo, sir.

Oooh I love Ask an Expert!

Mindpowered (#948)

To Music Please. Now.

Our Resident troubadour should have no problem with any of these.

NominaStultorum (#1,638)

Perhaps too somber, but: set to the tune of Townes Van Zandt's "Tecumseh Valley"? It fits, if you know it.

Mary Mouse (#670)

I am going to print this out and place it inside an anthology of poetry. I am.

Patrick M (#404)

That cherry made my brain scream “Sherilyn Fenn!”
When I saw it in GQ magazine.
I never will forget her; then again,
I had to google “Brian Austin Green”.

I guess that Hirschberg’s point is Things Transmute..?
Both crushes and the crushees take a bow.
The kneepad leggings gone that were so cute.
The Jolies meet the Jolier Than Thou.

Red Lobster Biscuits yield to Truffled Fries
And a propensity for bad tattoos 
(“We L.O.L. at gilded butterflies”)
Give way to smarts, re: “boobies on read-thrus”

So in this way one changes tit for tat:
There ought to be a German word for that.

missdelite (#625)

Well…you got my page view.

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