Mary: Yo. Did you see that mess last night?
Natasha: OMG I saw the shit out of it!
Mary: Break it down.
Natasha: Ok, first reaction:
Mary: Oh, seriously. Like, we MISSED him.
Natasha: And here’s what I figured out. That shit is ABOUT RACE! Earthy hill people with their bare feet versus pale Europeans in robes. IT’S A CULTURE CLASH.
Mary: Dude, velvet robes that OPEN. It’s an age-old culture clash. BUT the “cold ones” do have that one dude with dreads.
Mary: TOTAL BLACULA! What did you think of the lycans just looking like big-ass dogs? I was feeling it. I hate when they pull that “really hirsute dude” werewolf shit. It’s gross.
Natasha: ME TOO. I WAS LIKE, GO WITH THE HAWAIIANS.
Mary: Word. But then again, I was sorta surprised that they didn’t have ancillary powers other than the olfactory stuff that’s a total freebie with being a werewolf. But overall, did you like the movie? Did you go to a theater with screen talkers?
Natasha: Screen gaspers. Here’s where I’m at on the movie: As a fan, it was a complete delight. The dialogue was pithy, every scene was sexually charged and the conflict felt real and was pretty like a music video BUT…
Mary: BUT WAIT… sexually charged? No way! Catherine Hardwicke would’ve killed that Jacob shit! As it was it was so meh…
Natasha: NO DOUBT.
Mary: Hardwicke would’ve murdered that tension so much more than ‘Golden Compass’ guy because man, it was SO anemic compared to how good Jacob is looking…
Natasha: But here’s what I like most about the movie: it makes me feel 14 again. It’s the way 14-year-olds think and talk about love and the way girls imagine it to be in a brood puff ball. All sparkles… the whole thing feels chemically altered.
Mary: Very heady…
Natasha: The movie runs on teen estrogen, and not in a vulgar way, but in an ache with K Stew and her lip biting, and R Pattz with his hurt squint. I’M LIKE, I WANNA BE A TEENAGER LIKE BELLA WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE. But fuck a DAKOTA FANNING.
Mary: Oh for sure. With her totally throwaway part. Do you think Edward could love Bella were she a vampire? Isn’t the whole “lamb” thing such a large part of the appeal? What if she just smells different and he can’t get it up for that?
Natasha: GIRL, I think the question is CAN BELLA LOVE HIM AS A HUMAN? Bella and Edward = Doomed.
Mary: Basically. But if he’s not supercrazy out of her league anymore will the appeal still be as insane?
Natasha: What I find most impossible about their love, besides the logistics, is Bella’s inability to cope with not being one of them because it doesn’t seem to be about her safety, it seems to be about HER SECURITY. She is insecure.
Mary: With the aging and shit in the beginning and the “feeble human” rhetoric.
Natasha: Hers is a very young, selfish love. Whereas Edward’s is grand and European.
Mary: And 100 years old, swaddled in rich scarlet velvet. He’s the ill pedo.
Natasha: But that’s what’s FANTASTIC about all this. It’s mostly driven on the premise the Bella just wants to get fucked but she keeps picking all these monsters. E-HARMONY OF DOOM.
Mary: But don’t you think she should’ve wanted to get fucked by Jacob more… palpably?
Natasha: Oh yes absolutely. He was WARM.
Mary: Right. Like, his own SUN because he wasn’t a bootleg apparition like Edward. That smokey Edward shit was GARBAGE.
Mary: I think they didn’t have her be sufficiently wooed by the other team. I mean, Charlie’s already sorta down with the lycans.
Natasha: I’m TEAM CHARLIE.
Mary: Exactly! Charlie’s good stuff with that little “I get no ass” mustache.
Natasha: His big strong beer hands/ Here’s my question for you: what is the fucking metaphor here? Are we dealing with virginity? Purity?
Mary: Well, let’s look to the source of the source material. Stephenie’s out of her tree, religiously speaking.
Natasha: She’s a Mormon.
Mary: Right. There are definite piety themes at play.
Natasha: The whole her not LOSING HER SOUL and not becoming DAMNED a corollary for how Jesus will feel if she loses her hymen before MARRIAGE? Ew.
Mary: Oh, totes.
Natasha: Make this ok for me girl…
Mary: It TOTALLY doesn’t matter what any of it means metaphorically speaking. WHO CARES because: casting. What did you think of the volturi? How dorky was that shit?
Mary: The Observer likened it to Dan Brown and it for sure was on some airport reading on the set design tip.
Natasha: It was the stunt double guys from last Interview. The one’s who had to sit in for Cruise and Pitt while they were in trailers getting blowjays and the AD had to get the lighting right…
Mary: But, I mean, people are bugging about the casting because they were all hardcore thespians sitting on those weirdass thrones. What do you think Bella is? Why couldn’t Michael Sheen read her thoughts?
Natasha: OK. 1. MICHAEL SHEEN FUCKING OWNS. Be he Tony Blair or Lord of the Undead, I take my instructions from him. 2. WHAT IS BELLA? My thinking was like, she’s just a fresh bitch?
Mary: No but why would she make such a FASCINATING immortal? Why’s she such a lightning rod for the freaks? There’s something there. She has the P they all want to put on a pedestal. So WHY?
Natasha: WELL… I didn’t even catch this I was too busy sopping up the mess I was making on the seats cause of chesty R Pattz.
Mary: With his dope Pilates body. Those lean muscles vs Jacob’s creatine traps. Def some race shit there too I’m thinking.
Natasha: OH FOR SURE. Who can move those cotton bales?
Mary: One is all swole, the other one’s all god-like. All alabaster or marble…
Natasha: The other is all muscle and blood and smells like wet.
Mary: BUT converse to the whole Greek statue thing… I think your man R Pattz is PACKING.
Natasha: Oh girl, I am biting my lip like K STEW NOW.
Mary: He could blow your back out.
Natasha: Clearly. OK SO WHAT’S BELLA’S SECRET??
Mary: What’s the opposite of being a monster?
Natasha: Oh no, she’s an angel?????
Mary: Gross! But also possibly?
Natasha: A WIZARD??!!??!!
Mary: That’s the gayest shit ever, can you imagine? ‘What’s up guys? I’ve turned… INTO A WIZARD.’
Natasha: More like dopest (you Hermione)!!!!!!
Mary: One thing I had major problems with was the notion of senior year in high school. Really? She just sits in the bay window to let the seasons pass?
Natasha: She had college apps!
Mary: I would want the contrast of pining for a vampire and the being thrown shade by your former clique.
Natasha: And also we did not get enough of that lovable Gaysian.
Mary: With the swoop bangs. And this is what the former director was hella good at. I mean, she had them wearing the same coats for most of the last movie. That shit matters as to context and feeling like there is this super terrestrial and pedestrian contrast to living in the Forks. It can’t all be magic. It would’ve made the night terrors more believable. Also, DREAM CATCHER.
Natasha: DREAM WEAVER!
Mary: Seriously? Turquoise jewelry much?
Natasha: These are the gifts of a POOR. Quaint in the crudeness like Jacob.
Mary: I would’ve been like ‘um, did you make this with your hands?’
Natasha: Your ruddy, dirty hands.
Mary: Calloused. Mmmmm… Jacob’s calloused hands. See, there should’ve been more appeal in that as an option. Did EVERYONE die laughing in the theatre when your man staunched the flow of Bella’s face gash with his shirt?
Natasha: YES, THE THEATER GUFFAWED.
Mary: How GREAT was that? I mean, this is def a movie you should see opening weekend if you’re going to see it at all. We could’ve made a poltergeist come hang out with the energy we had going in the screening.
Natasha: Let me tell you about K Stew.
Mary: Yes, the palsied foal.
Natasha: She got booed.
Mary: Oh snap!
Natasha: My questions are:
1. As ladies, how do we feel about the casting of K Stew and her thespian abilities?
2. How do we feel about the character of BELLS SWANZ?
Mary: I am not mad at K Stewart. I liked her better in the first one where she wasn’t totally rexi yet and didn’t have professionally threaded eyebrows. I thought she captured the “WTF am I really trying to be cute to the best looking dude ever who is a vampire?” thing well. Like it was so spastic and endearing.
Natasha: I think her appeal is the pre-orgasmic breathes she takes and how she shivers. Like, I always feel like she’s about to climax if these moody boys would just focus. But Bella is somewhat void of a personality. She likes dry humping monsters?
Mary: She exists in who she attracts.
Natasha: So true. DON’T WE ALL??? OK, my next question: CAPTURE R PATTZ.
Mary: I wish he was all over this one. I know the New Moonenites are all, THIS STORY IS ABOUT BELLA but we miss him.
Natasha: He is the cold throbbing center of the movie.
Mary: And because so much of what we see of him is in flashbacks I feel cheated. Didn’t it feel super bootleg on some “LAST EPISODE” shit…
Natasha: I needed his GAZE and that prim little mouth. I missed his whole predatory aspect that he brought the movie.
Natasha: What I liked about Edward (and this is going to sound way academic for a sec BUT FEEL ME ON IT) is like this notion that sex is this very dark force NOT JUST FOR VAMPIRES but teenagers and just HUMANS (who are kind of like teenagers), this dark primitive force that makes us all bonkers, it’s dangerous and consuming and terrifying and EDWARD GETS THAT. HE BRINGS THE DARKNESS. HE BRINGS THE THREAT OF SOMETHING CLOSE TO RAPE. REALLY SCARY AS PUNCH YOUR SOUL GIVE YOU A BLADDER INFECTION SEX. Bella is naive and doesn’t know the soul-bomb she’d be setting off and that she has to absolutely trust him to work against his instincts not to kill her-and like a parable for modern dating kinda?
Mary: If by modern you mean anonymous Internet. It’s almost a weird bestiality situation. The rape thing is interesting though because can you really consent to a vampire as a puny human?
Natasha: And he even says it in the first one: “LIKE YOU CAN OUT RUN ME???” That’s where shit gets complicated and good and that’s what this movie was missing. We are missing the TERROR SEX.
Mary: OMG. YES. TERROR SEX.
Natasha: That’s why JAKE sex wouldn’t be as psychologically good.
Mary: Man, I don’t know if I can say that I’ve had terror sex. I feel bereft.
Natasha: TERROR sex is where it’s at.
Mary: BUT Jacob might scratch your eye out IF YOU GET TOO CLOSE. What was that??!!
Natasha: HAHAHAH I KNOW!
Mary: She loves a wolf, makes these GREAT muffins and was one time too close. I was like, wow, did they just rationalize domestic violence with that scene?
Mary: So that’s our verdict huh? That Jacob is cute but Team Edward all the way because terror sex? Sometimes I hope Pattz gets REALLY FAT. I want him ruined.
Natasha: Are you not feeling R PATTZ?
Mary: It’s probably some acid-throwing-on-pretty-people instinct. I don’t know… I love him but he’s just so TOO.
Natasha: HE’S LIKE JORDAN CATALANO.
Natasha: It hurts to look at youuuuuu.
Mary: Ugh, girl, YES. He is Jordan Catalano the FIRST TIME we see him.
Natasha: AGAINST THE LOCKER.
Mary: And it’s like the wind sails out of you.
Natasha: And he looks THROUGH YOU.
Mary: Taking up all this space and not even wanting to be there.
Natasha: AHHHHH I COULD DIE. He’s just teenage female desire manifest.
Mary: And that’s why these movies will always win. It’s like riding roller coasters.
Mary: Because you can’t do hard drugs every day
Natasha: Twilight: it’s mainlining teen hormones.
Mary: Yes, and why the saga wins is because you’re chasing the fucking dragon.
Mary: Yo. Did you see that mess last night?