In Norway, The Cookie Crumbles
"The people who did this must be full of gingerbread dust. They will smell a long way."
—Norwegian police inspector Erik Sveaas discusses the vandals who destroyed the town of Bergen's 650-house gingerbread cookie village. The plunderers attacked the village—supposedly the world's largest—by crushing its buildings and "topping off the ruins with paint and fire extinguisher foam."
The people who did this are gonna burn in the South Pole, where the Anti-Santa will torture them for eternity.
According to Aftenposten, two kids have already been arrested and released on bail and I am not even a suspect.
This comes less than two weeks after Turkey's Sultan Kösen, the world's tallest man, came to Norway and unveiled the world's largest gingerbread man at one of Oslo's Ikea stores.
Unlike lovely little Bergen, Oslo is one of Europe's dumpiest medium-sized cities outside the former East Bloc. It needs whatever it can get to distinguish it, be it Ikea stores, tall Turks or gingerbread.
I just feel terrible for the gingerbread men, women, and children who are now homeless. And it's the holiday season. Sad sad sad!
Silly inspector! Gingerbread dust diminishes your sense of smell.
Yes, but are the witches dead?
Goddamn Celiac activists! Worse than PETA.
Er, Celiactivists, obvs.
Choire, do you have any quick n' easy recipes to build a gingerbread village?
Bergen needs you.
It's going to take the entirety of their pastry chefs to turn all those frosting-smiles into frowns.
So they're saying they can catch him, he's the Gingerbread Man?
This is what's become of black metal?
Oh sure, like the Kings of Convenience had nothing to do with this.
The Pillsbury Doughboy ordered this hit.
Between this and the disappearing waffles, I'm sensing that something sinister is afoot on a much larger scale than we realize.
Baked goods conspiracy! Double padlocks on the pumpkin pies this week, everyone.
You'll pry my apple-crumble from my cold, dead hands.
Hopefully whoever did this will be visited by three ghosts, develop a paternal bond with a subordinate's crippled son, and finally learn the true meaning of Christmas.
It was Bill Murray?
Viral marketing for Wes Anderson's next movie?
Irish Monks, under the guise of a package holiday group, were found to be the culprits.
Their only comment: "We believe that after 900 years, the dish had properly cooled."
Next up: Legoland, museum dioramas, Macy's Xmas windows…