The Awl

Mort Young on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mort Young — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 14:51:38 +0000

whut stake?

slurm on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

slurm — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 19:13:03 +0000

out-fucking-standing!

Mad_Scotsman on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mad_Scotsman — Wed, 26 May 2010 12:59:22 +0000

Too fucking right. We didn't get to the top of the food chain to munch fucking lentils.

Mad_Scotsman on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mad_Scotsman — Wed, 26 May 2010 12:55:54 +0000

There is only one way to prepare a fucking steak; cut off it's horns, wipe it's ass, serve it up!

fb118872809 on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

fb118872809 — Wed, 19 May 2010 13:55:59 +0000

Fucking Pork chop bullshit. take your salt and pepper and cast iron skillet and shove 'em up yer ass.

MediumRare on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

MediumRare — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 20:03:25 +0000

Fried in a pan... Geeezus. Should have titled this "how to sacrilegiously disrespect a perfectly good slab of dead cow".

MediumRare on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

MediumRare — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 20:00:01 +0000

Fried Steak!? OMFG! It figures that someone who'd put a picture of a pork-chop in their how-to cook a steak article would be fuckin' clueless 'bout cooking one. Steak must be grilled on fire! FIRE. It's frikkin' fundamental. End of story. No argument. Pans are for clueless, PANsy-ass wimps.

rowan on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

rowan — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 21:04:26 +0000

pretty sure that's a pork chop. this is comin' from a consummate fuckin' carnivore.

solorbell on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

solorbell — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 15:28:27 +0000

This article is about cooking steak. THAT picture shows a porkchop. Just sayin'.

gardzilla on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

gardzilla — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:55:43 +0000

k checkit, men (ok...REAL men) like the smell of a few things in the air at the pad when they are present, one is the scorched animal...t'other is scorched gooch. Both took some effort to get that sweet perfume into the fuckin air. AND WHAT THE WEEPING BABY JESUS FUCK is this about cooking the wonder that is stake in a fucking pan on a fucking stove or in a fucking oven? you want that shit done right and you want to feel like your fucking club wielding ancestors of old you go buy a fucking grill and you cook that motherfucker over the fucking fire like your hunter gatherer take no shit from no motherfucker ancestors did, as a matter of fact, fuck the grill, just get you some fucking wood and a fucking sharp stick and slow turn that fucking protien packed goodness that is responsible for our ability for abstract thought and complex motherfucking tool making until YOU decide its done, and if your "guests" dont like the way that shit tastes, throw their asses on that fucking fire and ask if the rest would like fucking seconds... word.

gardzilla on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

gardzilla — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:49:07 +0000

mamma goddess on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

mamma goddess — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:13:18 +0000

I am so glad I found this post. I tell my husband all the time how to prepare a steak. Thanks for the simple instructions, surely the moron will be able to follow! http://themammagoddess.blogspot.com/

Heywood Yablowme on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Heywood Yablowme — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 13:21:29 +0000

Sounds like all you dick lickers need a hug. I got some meat your lips can hug...

UscrewU2 on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

UscrewU2 — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 17:10:48 +0000

Fuck that 3 to 5 minute cooking shit! Knock the fuckin horns off, wipe its ass, cut er into chunks, and flame roast for 2 minutes. Now were good to go. Get your fucking head out of your ass and stop frying steak you pussy bastard. Ya got something to say to me, you can say it at http://uscrewu2.blogspot.com/

asshat on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

asshat — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 23:45:42 +0000

You're a toolbag poser... trying to be all manly man, but yet you suggested a specific wine to go with the steak. What the fuck are you? a god damn French? Drink beer you pussy. Also, it's motherfucking pneumonia not "ammonia" you dumb inbred piece of shit. Garlic is the way to make a steak. In fact, you should throw in so much garlic that it'll make your ass destroy the toilet when you shit... so much garlic that you fart all day long and have a fart that last for 20 seconds that'll change notes at least 5 times and scare the dog out of the room. A real steak should be on the motherfucking grill, not a pan. I want the god damn charcoal taste... so much of it that I'll get cancer from it. Nice try noob.

danjrest on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

danjrest — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:10:22 +0000

I am happy to read that I am not the only one turned on by this.

sprayhawk on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

sprayhawk — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 00:04:28 +0000

This fucking rocks. I wrote a "how to" about finals after reading this. Not quite as concise, but hell, finals are fucking complicated. Check it out: http://www.sprayhawk.com/2009/12/15/how-to-deal-with-finals/

SteelyStan on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

SteelyStan — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 14:54:15 +0000

Hey man, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

AbeFroman on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

AbeFroman — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 23:08:21 +0000

Actually, I believe it's a lamb chop. Dumbasses.

dodo on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

dodo — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 11:52:41 +0000

ok this is my 1st time so I'm just going to tell all you freaks how to REALLY cook a steak. No wisecracks. No bullshit. I'm serious Buy the cheapest slab you can find. London broil cheap - a 2 lb slab for 4 bucks. Throw it on a cutting board and slice thin slices at an angle. Dump some olive oil in a cast iron pan. Turn it on high. Throw in some garlic. Let that brown a little. Then throw in the mass of sliced steak and quickly stir it around. Throw on some salt and chunky ground pepper. Then throw the whole mess on a plate, scrape all the black oily shit from the pan on it, and eat it. I'm not shitting you this will be the best FUCKING steak you've ever eaten.

DirkVA on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

DirkVA — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:22:49 +0000

Of course it comes to the same hot mansex in the end.

locomoco on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

locomoco — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 01:02:04 +0000

Great fucking recipe! I'm now both hungry and horny. One question though - is fucking tofurkey a good substitute for fucking steak for those of us who are vegetarians?

Carney on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Carney — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:33:06 +0000

You forgot to add the you know you are doing it right when the fire alarm goes off and someone asks if you are burning something. "No. I'm not fucking burning something. I'm cooking a fucking steak."

Clarence Rosario on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Clarence Rosario — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 13:33:02 +0000

I'm so fucking pissed I missed this when it was originally posted. Fuck me running.

Clarence Rosario on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Clarence Rosario — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 13:25:27 +0000

You guys don't need to modify "Cali" and "zin" with "red". Because anyone that immediately associates zin with that pink shit is fucking retarded.

phlox on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

phlox — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:09:20 +0000

Good Gravy! There are as many ways to cook a great steak as there are to skin a dead cat. I think you know where this is (FUCKING!)going...

BoHan on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

BoHan — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 21:53:43 +0000

I meant to reply to an earlier post, so fuck me.

greenleafrain on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

greenleafrain — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:11:31 +0000

This is a bullshit way to cook a steak, when you're searing it you need vegetable oil with the salt and you want to sear the salt in on both sides, then you add COMPOUND BUTTER or I dont fucking care SMART BALANCE to the seared salty side of the meat because it soaks in and that makes it less like the texture of ukrainian salted fish. Then you make sure you that you did all this in a manly ass cast-iron skillet, which you stick in the oven for five minutes on broil, then you take it out with like 6 potholders so you dont get 3rd degree burns on your hand.

caitlinate on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

caitlinate — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:41:09 +0000

Swoon.

Me on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Me — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:06:31 +0000

Actually, this is not a very good way to cook a steak.

BoHan on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

BoHan — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 19:59:59 +0000

Fuck that. Who fucking cleans dishes?

TerseNursePornstein on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

TerseNursePornstein — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:03:43 +0000

Needs cigarette.

tam on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

tam — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:27:53 +0000

Is there any other way..... I'm off to the store now.

Tulletilsynet on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Tulletilsynet — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 12:57:41 +0000

Okay, try swearing at this, Balk. Let's see you do it.

andrea on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

andrea — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:43:44 +0000

I would buy this fucking cookbook.

ExcrementOccurs on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

ExcrementOccurs — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:32:27 +0000

Salad is what my fucking dinner has for fucking breakfast.

maebefunke on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

maebefunke — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:33:48 +0000

I love how the comments after the cooking post are all about people's sexual feelings for Awl writers. Although NVC and Abe didn't get enough attention. I would make out with you both-AT THE SAME TIME.

maebefunke on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

maebefunke — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:31:18 +0000

Is that a line from "New Moon"?

sisisiesta on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

sisisiesta — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:15:50 +0000

Why the hell did you use a picture of a pork chop?

solipsister on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

solipsister — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:27:03 +0000

I feel you, NVC. Not to mention the way the house smells like scorched animal for three days thereafter.

Dan Kois on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Dan Kois — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:19:02 +0000

It does if you start with a really thick steak. Sorry, a really FUCKING thick steak.

mathnet on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

mathnet — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:10:48 +0000

DON'T WORRY IF YOU GO TOO LONG WITHOUT GIVING ME A <3 I WILL TOTALLY TEXT SOMEONE

MisterHippity on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

MisterHippity — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:54:03 +0000

Remember that word "metrosexual"? This is the exact opposite of that.

Mary HK Choi on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mary HK Choi — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:51:54 +0000

STRIPED TIGHTS!

Natasha Vargas-Cooper on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Natasha Vargas-Cooper — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:28:40 +0000

I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE.

LotaLota on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

LotaLota — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:59:53 +0000

Somewhere in Balk's fridge a custard is quivering in terror, knowing any minute now that Balk is going to Open.The.Fucking.Door...

Ronit on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Ronit — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:38:04 +0000

I want to fuck either Balk or Choire on a daily basis. And I'm not even gay.

NinetyNine on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

NinetyNine — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:16:11 +0000

I'm actually going to make a steak right fucking now. Actually, after I finish this fucking bourbon. Thing is, I use the broiler. Why? Cause then I don't have to scrub a fucking pan after.

LotaLota on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

LotaLota — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:14:46 +0000

"Rage Cuisine"

Mindpowered on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mindpowered — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:08:41 +0000

You shitheads most be so fucking proud. Food posts "and yes I am including "Ethnic Dong" and other flavours in this you nitpicky, savannah fucking chimps, are the most ass-rapingly popular on whole goddamn website. All except the Mac & Cheese. Because Mac & Cheese fucking sucks. So why don't we all for an internet Friday night go over to the Mac & Cheese post smash it bloody and push that fucking film review off. Argh... (rips monitor off computer and throws it the window)

jennie on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

jennie — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:52:20 +0000

balk should probably write some poetry

karion on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

karion — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:31:03 +0000

I just want to see Balk on Emily's food show, in this character.

Hez on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Hez — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:24:04 +0000

I love steak, Balk and swearing so much that if this was the last thing I ever read on the Internet, I could die happy. I'm gonna defrost the shit out of the steak in my motherfucking crammed-to-the-cunt freezer right now and none of you cockfaces better try and stop me.

HiredGoons on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HiredGoons — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:58:04 +0000

Fuck.

HiredGoons on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HiredGoons — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:52:35 +0000

It would be feet, like Nanny from Muppet Babies.

Dave Bry on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Dave Bry — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:29:36 +0000

Whoops. Citation: "Ten Crack Commandments," from 1997's Life After Death album.

allyzay on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

allyzay — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:28:22 +0000

Jesus christ, Natasha, I was a vegetarian for TEN YEARS and I can make a steak without burning it! (The secret is don't cook it at all because A REAL BOYFRIEND WILL JUST EAT THAT SHIT RAW).

Dave Bry on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Dave Bry — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:27:49 +0000

I think all of this serves as a sort of abstract homage to the wonderful first installment of the Awl's poetry section. And the words "suck" and "fuck" go so nicely with steak and red wine. I think Biggie maybe put it best: "Your girl fucked my man Jacob Heard in the three weeks She sniffed a whole half of cake up Heard she suck a good dick And can hook a steak up Gotta go, gotta go More pies to bake up"

josh_speed on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

josh_speed — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:25:08 +0000

Tony Bourdain actually talks like this.

HiredGoons on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HiredGoons — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:08:33 +0000

Fuck you Fucking Tuna Fucking Su-fucking-prise. Ya' fuck.

DorothyMantooth on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

DorothyMantooth — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:59:31 +0000

(Oh, but yes. I do only cook fillets at home. Because I am a pussy.)

DorothyMantooth on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

DorothyMantooth — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:58:24 +0000

Nonsense. The shit doesn't stay rare in the oven. Nice 4 minute sear on both sides in a cast iron, and tons of rest. FIN. (I also rub just a tiny bit of canola oil -- ON THE STEAK ONLY!! -- before tossing that fucker on the pan.)

DorothyMantooth on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

DorothyMantooth — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:55:01 +0000

For realz. Also, the '97 is also fucking AMAZING.

mathnet on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

mathnet — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:53:39 +0000

tardedly awesome! And, Frankly, confusing, with multiple identities like a superhero so JUST RIGHT.

TerseNursePornstein on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

TerseNursePornstein — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:49:48 +0000

NO, MEAT GLUE.

Hobbesian on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Hobbesian — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:44:59 +0000

BEAR GREASE.

kneetoe on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

kneetoe — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:42:58 +0000

Sometimes the phrase is used to describe how to barbecue (say, a turkey)--low heat for a long time. But it has its other meanings.

ProfessorBen on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

ProfessorBen — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:41:40 +0000

Ira Glassing

TerseNursePornstein on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

TerseNursePornstein — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:21:13 +0000

Slow and low? Tell us more!

kneetoe on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

kneetoe — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:17:29 +0000

Please do not forget about the proteins that require slow and low.

TerseNursePornstein on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

TerseNursePornstein — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:16:18 +0000

Didn't hurt!

missdelite on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

missdelite — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:15:59 +0000

Great..I'll bring the salad. (*ducks flying chair)

Alex Balk on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Alex Balk — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:15:43 +0000

Go fuck yourself.

resipsaloquacious on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

resipsaloquacious — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:14:32 +0000

I think the pic is of a porkchop. /pleasem, don't swear at me.

kneetoe on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

kneetoe — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:13:57 +0000

Yes the hidden premise behind this how-to guide to steak cooking is that you're not man enough to rub some sticks together and start a real fire.

chaddo on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

chaddo — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:09:15 +0000

Your comment was so fucking good I actually registered just to help. If your having troubles making a good mother-fucking steak then stop using pussy equipment. Get yourself a cast iron skillet - not some limp wristed teflon "cookware" but a mother-fucking skillet. Something you could use to kill zombies when the time comes. Now, follow the directions above but with a slight difference. Put your fucking oven on hot as all fuck as well. Then, toss your steak on the skillet for thirty seconds 'til it's seared like Two-Face then flip it and do the same. After the two sides look like it's starting to become the quarter pound of char take the skillet and put it in the oven - but not with your bare-ass hands unless you feel like needing help wiping after taking a leak! Cook in the oven at about 500 for two and a half minutes, flip and repeat. Now all that fucking fat is going to stay sealed in the sears you laid down before. I suggest also you get some oil for this job - peanut oil preferably. It has a high tolerance for pain and won't smoke until over 500 degrees.

choitotheworld on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

choitotheworld — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:54:27 +0000

MATHY! I just figured out the Square One ref and now am in LUH. So tarded.

Setec Astrology on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Setec Astrology — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:53:31 +0000

Cali red zin can cook the fucking steak, no heat required.

elecampane on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

elecampane — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:50:51 +0000

@jfruh better: "how to make a knuckle sandwich"

Tuna Surprise on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Tuna Surprise — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:49:25 +0000

Amen, sister. I could sit here and be entertained by this for hours - unlike anything David Fucking Mamet ever wrote.

Bittersweet on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Bittersweet — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:48:30 +0000

Too bad she didn't write it like that...would've been much more entertaining.

Bittersweet on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Bittersweet — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:44:41 +0000

Red Zin! Perfect with steak, mofos. *sound of mouth watering*

Mindpowered on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mindpowered — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:44:18 +0000

World's Choiest Gangbang.

gumplr on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

gumplr — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:44:02 +0000

Most are just four-letters long.

HiredGoons on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HiredGoons — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:41:56 +0000

Since when did David Mamet write recipes?

NinetyNine on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

NinetyNine — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:35:18 +0000

There is no 'B'

NinetyNine on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

NinetyNine — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:34:58 +0000

A: Is Mamet ghostwriting for y'awl now?

sigerson on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

sigerson — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:27:43 +0000

Midleton Very Rare for me, thanks. Or a Ridge Geyserville Red Zinfandel (don't mock that shit, motherfucker, Cali red zin is rocket-fuel powerful)

Mindpowered on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mindpowered — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:07:54 +0000

Taken from Mrs Palins latest tome. Balkanization from Balk.

Mindpowered on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mindpowered — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:07:11 +0000

A new kind of Balkanization. Original quote "If any vegans came over for dinner, I could whip them up a salad, then explain my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" Balkanized quote: If any dumbshit fucking vegans came over for goddamn motherfucking dinner, I could whip the living shit out of them (and make a salad), then strap their pathetic asses down and explain my fucking awesome philosophy on being a righteous fucking carnivore: If that big asshole God had not intended for us to eat bears, how come He made them out of sweet rich just fucking waiting to be seared bear meat?

garge on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

garge — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:06:58 +0000

Or they would just show his hands and midsection

HiredGoons on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HiredGoons — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:01:12 +0000

*call me

Mindpowered on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mindpowered — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:00:50 +0000

Bitchslapping Meats. Culinary Death Matches.

narnio on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

narnio — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:59:50 +0000

I would just like to add that a single clove of garlic is NICE but not NECESSARY. Further, I made this last night (basically) and thoroughly enjoyed reviewing my meal choice on TheAwlinary Review.

Mindpowered on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mindpowered — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:57:53 +0000

DEEP FRY DAMMIT. With Mars Bars

SweetnessIWasOnlyJoking on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

SweetnessIWasOnlyJoking — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:52:38 +0000

Agreed!

SweetnessIWasOnlyJoking on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

SweetnessIWasOnlyJoking — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:51:10 +0000

Nope. Carlin died. Balk cooked him up nice though.

Mary HK Choi on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mary HK Choi — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:49:49 +0000

WHOA. that balk comment played in my head as Cartman so hard.

Tulletilsynet on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Tulletilsynet — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:48:56 +0000

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! (Circle forms.)

fek on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

fek — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:48:40 +0000

Fuck you.

fek on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

fek — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:48:21 +0000

#ItalicsFail

fek on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

fek — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:48:04 +0000

OTHER SIDES?! Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Somebody needs to do a mashup video of Alex and Choire cooking with The Departed.

SquarePeg on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

SquarePeg — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:47:26 +0000
Total gay Mary Choi gang bang.

okayfine on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

okayfine — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:46:18 +0000
balk is definitely cooking this steak wrong. three to five minutes a side? fucking pansy. let that shit bleed a little; it died for you, didn't it?

mathnet on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

mathnet — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:42:55 +0000
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TOM SCOCCA

Tom Scocca on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Tom Scocca — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:35:57 +0000
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLQ-2UUvjNw

HeyThatsMyBike on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HeyThatsMyBike — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:35:46 +0000
Balk's face will be pixelated.

HeyThatsMyBike on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HeyThatsMyBike — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:34:04 +0000
Needs more glassing.

kitten_witawip on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

kitten_witawip — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:32:01 +0000
jolie, maybe they will have make up sex.

Matt on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Matt — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:30:19 +0000
PLEASE CONTINUE THESE SONG LYRICS IN A SEPARATE POST, PLEASE.

Tulletilsynet on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Tulletilsynet — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:29:54 +0000
I'm sorry but bitch selects that wussy shit in the first place has no right to complain she's getting undermanned. You are not going to make your partner sprout some virility just by frying him some meat.

jolie on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

jolie — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:27:48 +0000
I will quite literally suck on whatever it is you'd like to be sucked on because this comment IS SO AWESOME. (But also? Mommy & Daddy please don't fight.)

HiredGoons on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HiredGoons — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:26:46 +0000
I have alluded to similar things.

hockeymom on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

hockeymom — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:24:44 +0000
hmmmm. Thinking about a pitch to Food Network. "Angry Cooking with The Awl".

Rod T on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Rod T — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:23:55 +0000
Being mean to C makes you less fuckable B. xoxo

garge on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

garge — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:21:03 +0000
This was really sweet. Make sure to print a copy out for your hope chest.

HiredGoons on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HiredGoons — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:18:18 +0000
You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On.

Alex Balk on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Alex Balk — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:16:08 +0000
Fuck you, you fucking fuck. My fucking steak kicks ass. My cooked steak brings all the goys to the yard. I'll fucking post a fucking cooking post any goddamned time it want. SUCK ON IT, you fuck.

Tuna Surprise on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Tuna Surprise — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:14:00 +0000
Every piece of protien should be seared and baked in the above fashion. Beef, lamb, fish, chicken. Works every time. (except turn oven temp down for the lighter colored proteins).

jfruh on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

jfruh — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:10:34 +0000
There will be one more. It will be entitled "How to make spaghetti and meatballs, by the awl staff", and when you click on it to open the post your Web browser will just punch you in the teeth.

Choire Sicha on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Choire Sicha — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:10:30 +0000
Balk is actually cooking a steak wrong. He is now banned from the cooking section.

elecampane on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

elecampane — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:08:56 +0000
I have been struggling with that very question all week.

wb on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

wb — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:07:49 +0000
Don't want the fucker to bleed out.

kitten_witawip on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

kitten_witawip — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:03:10 +0000
My propane grill does not get hot enough to properly sear and char the flesh to my liking.

The Epicurean Dealmaker on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

The Epicurean Dealmaker — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:59:33 +0000
Ooh. I hadn't thought of the stabbing bit. I like it.

Dan Kois on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Dan Kois — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:59:24 +0000
I wanted to do one of these, but for boeuf bourgignon. Also, Balk: Don't just do the whole thing on the stovetop! That is LITERALLY a recipe for burned steak. Cast-iron skillet, salt yes, 500 degree oven, superhot pan on range, drop steak in, immediately move to oven, flip steak over after a few minutes, take out, let rest, eat. YOU ASSHOLE.

garge on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

garge — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:59:07 +0000
I hopeth not!

cherrispryte on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

cherrispryte — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:56:39 +0000
Needs more smoking.

Mary HK Choi on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Mary HK Choi — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:49:20 +0000
ME TOO. I thought and hoped that this'd be BALK and it was! God Bry remember when I started by night with a Jameson with you AND IT WAS A BAD IDEA??!!

brianvan on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

brianvan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:49:19 +0000
Where do I send article pitches around here? HOW TO FFFFFFFUUUUUUU MAKE A FUCK FUCK BOWL OF CEREAL FUCK First, get a cereal bowl. FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCK. Add about a cup and a half of ASDFJHSLDGHKLSDG OMG BITCH raisin bran. Pour in a cup of JESUS CHRIST I WILL FUCKING STAB YOU, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB!! FUUUUUUUCK! CUNT! milk. There, all done!

HiredGoons on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HiredGoons — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:49:17 +0000
Just stuff a steak, a pie, and mac n' cheese into a turkey and barbecue that bitch.

Multiphasic on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Multiphasic — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:48:50 +0000
Nothing gets you through the workday like two straight men domestically abusing each other.

spanish bombs on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

spanish bombs — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:47:13 +0000
Haha, I was going to make fun of how it is cute when apartment-dwellers try to convince themselves that you can make a good steak without a grill, but then I realized that Balk was using his (apparently mandatory?) recipe sharing to make fun of The Shadow Editor's extremely silly post. That, or there is something in the water.

Br. Seamus on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Br. Seamus — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:45:33 +0000
Run that fucker through a warm room.

Shivery.McPickles on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Shivery.McPickles — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:43:39 +0000
God damn it! This whole series is making me rethink anything I've ever thought or written about food. Also, I want to cook a fucking steak for dinner! With macaroni and cheese. And I'll probably bake a mother fucking apple pie after that! I have OTHER PLANS this weekend. Pleaase stop writing these or I will cancel them!

resipsaloquacious on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

resipsaloquacious — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:40:33 +0000
Why does Balk need a hot fucking pan when he could cook the steak with the rage that burns in his loins?

Dave Bry on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Dave Bry — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:40:27 +0000
That was my favorite part, too. Cheers to the whole thing, though.

brent_cox on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

brent_cox — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:39:31 +0000
And so endeth the recipe posts.

kitten_witawip on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

kitten_witawip — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:37:48 +0000
Fuck yeah, 5 - 10 mins.

KenWheaton on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

KenWheaton — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:37:11 +0000
Looks like Balk quit following everyone except "Shit My Dad Says" on Twitter.

KarenUhOh on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

KarenUhOh — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:33:43 +0000
[They're also good pan-seared and finished in the oven. 350 for 8-10 ought to do it. And a nice Scotch (or BOURBON!! Okay? Jesus!!) works just as well as your not-the-best-90s-year Cab.] You fucker.

resipsaloquacious on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

resipsaloquacious — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:32:27 +0000
Does someone need an unfeeling caveman? ... ahem...

iplaudius on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

iplaudius — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:32:06 +0000
I love how the thought of wine temporarily restrains his fury.

iplaudius on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

iplaudius — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:30:17 +0000
That parenthetical remark is the best thing I've ever read about contemporary enlightened gender relations.

Maevemealone on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Maevemealone — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:28:09 +0000
I just smacked myself across the face through the tears.

HiredGoons on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HiredGoons — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:26:59 +0000
If so, I don't want to be right.

HiredGoons on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

HiredGoons — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:25:15 +0000
I think that Balk is actually George Carlin, who faked his own death.

Matt on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Matt — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:21:30 +0000
WRONG. Take it out of the plastic and EAT IT.

withelectrolytes on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

withelectrolytes — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:21:17 +0000
Balk's recipe for Boeuf Bourguignon is 15,000 words long.

Rod T on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Rod T — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:20:57 +0000
Also fuckable? A gay Mary Choi.

Rod T on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Rod T — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:19:40 +0000
You. Come here. Get under my desk.

kitten_witawip on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

kitten_witawip — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:19:08 +0000
I prefer a t-bone or porterhouse. And when I cook one all the smoke alarms (3) go off so I have to open all the windows and doors and then light candles to get rid of the seared flesh smell.

Rod T on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Rod T — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:19:08 +0000
"please let ME know"

The Epicurean Dealmaker on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

The Epicurean Dealmaker — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:19:05 +0000
Is it wrong of me to have sexual feelings for a website?

Natasha Vargas-Cooper on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Natasha Vargas-Cooper — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:19:01 +0000
THIS IS COMPLETE HORSEHIT. COOKING A STEAK IS WAY HARDER THAN THIS. I've tried to show off WHAT A DOWN BITCH I AM by making my man a hearty piece of meat (hoping that his ancient man spirit would be conjured out of that post-gender husk he dwelled in) But that shit burns fast and APPARENTLY when there's more fat on that meat it burns quicker. So I'm left a quarter pound of CHAR, an hungry fairy who keeps talking about 'microgreens', and failed sense of domestic abilities. RUINOUS. FUCK A STEAK.

LittleLolly on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

LittleLolly — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:18:49 +0000
A heart-warming tale about a man and his meat.

Rod T on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Rod T — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:18:49 +0000
I totally got a chub reading this. Unless it's pot cookies, keep it simple suckers. IF there is a gay Balk out there, please let you know as I'm looking for you.

wb on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

wb — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:18:40 +0000
Shouldn't you let that motherfucker rest a bit before slicing it the fuck open?

LondonLee on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

LondonLee — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:18:32 +0000
It was "bone-in" that did it, wasn't it?

mathnet on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

mathnet — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:16:54 +0000
I am so fucking turned-on right now.

earlydinner on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

earlydinner — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:16:50 +0000
you really should cite your sources if you're going to quote at length from jacques pepin like this.

Sproing on How To Cook A Fucking Steak

Sproing — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:16:16 +0000
I am so fucking hungry right now.