The Awl

CaptainFantastic on Vampire-Based Entertainment

CaptainFantastic — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:50:15 +0000

Faces of Death:1980s::www.rotten.com:2000s

roboloki on Vampire-Based Entertainment

roboloki — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:18:31 +0000

walt is sooo team edward.

Mindpowered on Vampire-Based Entertainment

Mindpowered — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 12:07:21 +0000

What? No post on Black Friday? Are you all sleeping off the vodka, tryptophan, and cigarettes?

Mar on Vampire-Based Entertainment

Mar — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 15:48:21 +0000

@mathnet: Jesus Christ. But- *just because the stuffing is gluten-free doesn't mean you can't pour fatty turkey drippings all over it, correct? And bake it until it's crispy and delicious? *Why does the succotash have to be frozen? Why can't fresh squash be coated in olive oil and rosemary and garlic and then roasted? It would still be vegan. Hell, you could toss the vegetables with bacon and it would still be dairy-free. *Jarred gravy is gross. Why can't there be regular homemade gravy for the regulars and interesting sauces for the gluten-free, dairy-free, and the heart weak? What about mint sauce? Or parsley puree? Or chutney? Hell, chestnut pesto? All of these are fairly vegan/gluten-free/heart-smart, but they have the advantage of not tasting like shit. *Why can't you have Benecol and butter on the table? Or regular dressing and Caesar dressing? Also, p.s., but lots of kinds of fat are good for you. Using olive oil to make dressing or enrich the potatoes is perfectly okay. *Don't know about the potatoes, but if there is salt and pepper on the table, plus maybe some butter you can smuggle in, they could be doctored. *Sugar-free popsicles--why not high-quality fruit and cheese instead (cheese in tiny portions.) Apples and pears are good right now, as are satsumas and some other citrus. Plus you can cut them up in sweet patterns to make a platter that looks appetizing instead of depressing. Add some Brie and goat cheese and you're good to go.

missdelite on Vampire-Based Entertainment

missdelite — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 15:22:40 +0000

Hey, Buttfrutt! (*snicker)

BoHan on Vampire-Based Entertainment

BoHan — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 12:34:51 +0000

Walt is growing on me. Fuck him. Now I'm off to Applebee's for a Family Thanksgiving.

roboloki on Vampire-Based Entertainment

roboloki — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 07:15:29 +0000

reading this makes me want to burn down an applebees

roboloki on Vampire-Based Entertainment

roboloki — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 07:13:59 +0000

who cropped this mug shot?

lbf on Vampire-Based Entertainment

lbf — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 05:56:57 +0000

I think teenage vampires are leotarded too, but if I wanted to hear some dude's high school sob story I'd subscribe to "Ira Glass After Hours - Too Hot For TAL!" or something.

petejayhawk on Vampire-Based Entertainment

petejayhawk — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 00:32:55 +0000

(Heavyweight is 275, in case you were wondering. Typo?)

petejayhawk on Vampire-Based Entertainment

petejayhawk — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 00:30:55 +0000

I call bullshit. 175 lb. isn't heavyweight.

TerseNursePornstein on Vampire-Based Entertainment

TerseNursePornstein — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 23:06:33 +0000

Now that's magic!

CaptainFantastic on Vampire-Based Entertainment

CaptainFantastic — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 21:18:46 +0000

Asswipe. (<--joking!)

PandaEyes on Vampire-Based Entertainment

PandaEyes — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 18:17:32 +0000

Best one yet. I thank you.

Maevemealone on Vampire-Based Entertainment

Maevemealone — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 17:29:08 +0000

I have never read of a worse, less appetizing menu ever. It gives my stomach the lurches just reading it. All my condolences as I eat my artichoke spinach Parmesan dip. I was not invited to make pies this year...

garge on Vampire-Based Entertainment

garge — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 17:08:53 +0000

Thanks for the story, Mom, and I hope you and Vamp have a lovely TG. Tell her I would totally trade for a copy of her dental x-rays! xo

hunterw on Vampire-Based Entertainment

hunterw — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:50:33 +0000

walt looks an awful lot like the BTK killer

zidaane on Vampire-Based Entertainment

zidaane — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:43:37 +0000

paraquat

Abe Sauer on Vampire-Based Entertainment

Abe Sauer — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:10:14 +0000

Christ Walt. You're only 41? Montana will fuck up a guy's skin, eh?

forget it i quit on Vampire-Based Entertainment

forget it i quit — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:02:32 +0000

I think that beats out ALL Thanksgiving stories I have ever heard in my entire life. Loves it!

HiredGoons on Vampire-Based Entertainment

HiredGoons — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:52:22 +0000

I want to hang out with YOUR family!

sox on Vampire-Based Entertainment

sox — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:46:30 +0000

'zactly.

hockeymom on Vampire-Based Entertainment

hockeymom — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:39:35 +0000

I wish I could have you all over to our place. It will be EXACTLY like a Norman Rockwell painting except for one tiny addition. My cousin is a vampire. (which is how I can tie this post the above column). I am not kidding. She's also an ex/or maybe current-heroin addict, but mainly, she's a vampire. She's filed her teeth down, dyed her hair black, she sleeps in a coffin and her ex-boyfriend was a "phlebotomist". She's published vampire related poetry, been the topic of a few vampire related articles in magazines and reached the apex of her fame in USA Today when she crashed Willie Brown's inaguaration party one year. I think she crashed it as a stripper, not a vampire...though she may have been a combination of both at the time. This is all true. She is also my daughter's favorite relative, because she reads the kids tarot cards and tells them stories about their futures. She's smart and funny and every year she shows up, is kind of a miracle because it means she's still alive. Anyway, if she shows up this year, we will no doubt talk about the "Thanksgiving Bunny". When we were all kids, our family went to visit her family for the holiday. She had a pet Bunny, who had many baby bunnies. Bunny had fleas, which was NOT OK with my mother. So my mother bought Bunny a flea collar. Which Bunny ate, which prompted Bunny to go insane and eat her own children. Which my cousin witnessed and not shockingly, made her extremely angry at my mother. So when Thanksgiving dinner rolled around that day, my cousin (who was about eight at the time) picked up a lamp at threw it at my mother. It beaned mom straight on the head, she fell over (not dead) and that was the end of dinner. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Natasha Vargas-Cooper on Vampire-Based Entertainment

Natasha Vargas-Cooper — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:22:39 +0000

Hey, this is certifiably incredible.

kitten_witawip on Vampire-Based Entertainment

kitten_witawip — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:16:27 +0000

Ok but sometime during the day I am going hiking. So be prepared to be relaxed in a good kind of tired way.

kitten_witawip on Vampire-Based Entertainment

kitten_witawip — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:14:11 +0000

I am glad to see him using it again. The last time Walt posted someone got all up in his grill about the provenance of his photo. Something about Walt being a sicko or some such thing.

kitten_witawip on Vampire-Based Entertainment

kitten_witawip — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:11:19 +0000

Mathnet, 1966 was before wine was popular in the US and people did not know who to drink it. Buy mom a new set of wine glasses for whatever winter holiday you celebrate.

mathnet on Vampire-Based Entertainment

mathnet — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:01:06 +0000

Neither! My mother swears they're NORMAL-SIZED WINE GLASSES from 1966. I mean, I'm exaggerating, but only slightly! And not only are the dimensions midget-y, but the glass that the glass is made of is really thick, so in volume? You get a drop. Maybe they're supposed to be for sherry or some kind of liquer or something?

beingiseasy on Vampire-Based Entertainment

beingiseasy — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:59:31 +0000

just watched "let the right one in". it assuaged my inner 12 year old angst and was deliciously grotesque. oh, and it's Swedish involving only Swedes as actors: heyyy

HiredGoons on Vampire-Based Entertainment

HiredGoons — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:55:28 +0000

^ good name for a shoe-gaze band.

garge on Vampire-Based Entertainment

garge — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:51:47 +0000

Also, what's up with the alcohol rationing? Calorie counters or vaguely-alcoholics?

mathnet on Vampire-Based Entertainment

mathnet — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:47:59 +0000

[knowing look]

mathnet on Vampire-Based Entertainment

mathnet — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:47:23 +0000

http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/stop-being-a-wuss-how-to-make-pie-crusts

garge on Vampire-Based Entertainment

garge — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:47:12 +0000

I will be having: Mimosas, stuffing, onion jam, and Mad Men Season 3 But! I am lonely and depressed, so I think we are tied.

mathnet on Vampire-Based Entertainment

mathnet — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:45:09 +0000

A mental one! Called My Family!

belltolls on Vampire-Based Entertainment

belltolls — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:44:18 +0000

Are you cooking in a hospital?

HiredGoons on Vampire-Based Entertainment

HiredGoons — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:43:18 +0000

He who besmirches 'The Lost Boys' knoweth not of what he speaketh.

sox on Vampire-Based Entertainment

sox — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:42:38 +0000

No, but the desert person tried to say jell-o was worthy. So...guess I'm making some pies?

mathnet on Vampire-Based Entertainment

mathnet — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:40:35 +0000

I will be being you in my brain.

kitten_witawip on Vampire-Based Entertainment

kitten_witawip — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:39:06 +0000

All my friends are out of town and my family is 2,000 - 5,000 miles away. I might cook lobster for myself tomorrow or maybe a fucking steak (maybe both!), catch up on some DVDs that have been sitting in their shrink wrap since for ever. So, on other words, no.

mathnet on Vampire-Based Entertainment

mathnet — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:29:42 +0000

Anybody have a worse Thanksgiving dinner planned? Chestnut stuffing (gluten-free for the Celiac-diseased mutant) Frozen succotash instead of homemade spinach casserole (lactose-free for the intolerant) Gluten-free, low-sodium gravy from a jar (for the mutant, the heart-weak and the vegetarian) Benecol instead of butter (for the cholesterol-repentant) Caesar salad with fat-free dressing (for the weight-loss-delusional) Wine in shot-glass-sized "goblets" Peeled-naked, boiled, unsalted, un-in-any-way-seasoned, Benecol-ed, fat-free-milk-ed, electric-mixer-ed potatoes (for those who hate happiness) Sugar-free popsicles in a cup THIS IS MAKING ME SO SO SAD

BrendanM on Vampire-Based Entertainment

BrendanM — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:29:12 +0000

Nice touch with the photo. Added a healthy creepiness to the whole thing.

kitten_witawip on Vampire-Based Entertainment

kitten_witawip — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:29:09 +0000

I am here for another 90 minutes. :(

beingiseasy on Vampire-Based Entertainment

beingiseasy — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:17:14 +0000

it's cafe au lait with a fine hint of depravity

HiredGoons on Vampire-Based Entertainment

HiredGoons — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:13:34 +0000

Spliff? Is that some sort of flavored coffee?

beingiseasy on Vampire-Based Entertainment

beingiseasy — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:10:45 +0000

Amsterdam! Check out Siberie Coffeeshop on Brouwersgracht between Singel and Herengracht. Fantastic place for a spliff on a rainy day.

mathnet on Vampire-Based Entertainment

mathnet — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:58:45 +0000

Ha ha I am kidding! I give thanks, this weekend, for the LAWLS.

Tuna Surprise on Vampire-Based Entertainment

Tuna Surprise — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:58:23 +0000

I would stay and keep you company but I've got a plane to catch. To Amsterdam, bitches! Have fun in snooze York. Enjoy your parade and bone dry turkey!

mathnet on Vampire-Based Entertainment

mathnet — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:57:28 +0000

Read my middle finger. VERY SLOWLY.

belltolls on Vampire-Based Entertainment

belltolls — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:47:39 +0000

"All of the answers to lifeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s mysteries resided in the Faces of Death video series and also in Black Sabbath records. Even some of the lyrics of Dennis DeYoung of STYX." Well, in Mr. Roboto, yes.

HiredGoons on Vampire-Based Entertainment

HiredGoons — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:40:47 +0000

Is this seriously the last post of the day CUZ I WILL CUT A BITCH!!!