Thursday, November 12th, 2009

Flicked Off: '2012' is Awesome and Haters Can Suck It

187You know who I love? I love anyone who hated this movie because I would like to fight them to the death for being wrong as balls. Fuckouttahere. I wanna be on the 2012 thrill park ride, playing 2012 on my Nintendo DS, eating the 2012-branded chocotaco and watching this movie at the same time because I am greedy for this brand of INCREDIBLEBANANASINCREDIBLE. Everyone who says otherwise may as well have written their reviews on their faces in marker because they are obviously batshit crazy and should be ignored. Seriously, will somebody tell me what people expected other than 158 minutes of apocalypse BUKKAKE? Roland Emmerich knows how to destroy himself some world and sure it isn't so much a story but a sprayfest of rapid-fire money shots but what else would it be? And what else would make it THIS AWESOME? It's like the movie has ultra-oxygenated blood and sleeps upside down in a hyperbaric chamber and eats tiger penis like it's its job because it has psycho endurance that feels GREAT in your brain.

And I'm NOT sorry that I find it spectacularly satisfying to watch all these teeny tiny career-having, property-owning, H1N1 vaccine sucking-up CGI strangers EAT IT with the backdrop of a steaming, fetid Los Angeles getting fucked sideways by buildings and malls all angry-style and every single shit-eating, soul-killing highway being lobbed like al dente spaghetti against the fridge door of the OCEAN. You get to see that expensive-ass Hawaii MELT and Rio swallows itself with the dignity of someone being eaten by his own asshole AND Vegas gets it because over-tanned mongoloids in ugly clothes are flammable. This movie's great. It's like how aggressive people like crunchy snacks times a MILLION.

John Cusack is in it. So is Oliver Platt. And Amanda Peet. And Thandie Newton and also Chiwetel Ejiofor and Woody Harrelson and ZERO causal explanations as to why the Earth's core is spazzing the fuck out other than the mega convenient Deus ex Mexican title but OH MY PSHAW WHO CARES. Well, other than that Cusack doesn't suck like that strokeface Nic Cage and and it's cool cause he moonlights as a chauffeur and gets to be dressed like he's in Gross Pointe Blank basically the whole time. Also, his name is Jackson Curtis which makes me laugh and laugh thinking how rad it would've been if it were not opposite day but inversion day and 50 Cent was playing himself as the lead. The only gripe I do have is with that the Internet straight-up does not exist in 2012 because seriously they just Photoshopped it out of the picture and that's some horseshit because the Twitter feed would've been HILARIOUS (#drowninghurts).

I mean, obviously 2012 has nothing to do with the Mayan apocalypse or the perseverance of what makes us human or the shifting of tectonic plates or what we'll be called when we're Pangea for whatever tessellation of blue and green comes next, but it does make you think about how you'd want to go if you had only had a couple of hours to live because unceremonious death is a major theme in the real-life version of 2009. I am pretty sure I will be wearing a full-length chinchilla furside-in, munching on fistfuls of MDMA, eating chips, and just trying to live long enough to not have to talk to my parents or anyone who knows me but still get to see and howl at enough mind-blowing violence to FEEL THE RAPTURE.

Watch the movie. It's good for morale. It's seriously as close as you'll get to whatever David Carradine went looking for. Even though I'd have preferred if EVERYONE DIED because it's way funnier and because honestly, what's more anticlimactic than living?

Mary Choi was promoted to the position of The Awl's Chief Film Critic while she was writing this post.

87 Comments / Post A Comment

earlydinner (#1,816)

That is the finest introductory paragraph I have ever, ever, ever read.

Bittersweet (#765)

I knew it was Mary from the title. Total awesomeness.

She had me at "BUKKAKE".

Abe Sauer (#148)

It's like a fifteen year old Jerry McGuire is selling me his services as my representative for film ticket buying.

iplaudius (#1,066)

It is, but for me it's just the titty fuck leading up to the second paragraph, where my brain gets quadruply penetrated. Let me count the ways:
   1. like al dente spaghetti against the fridge door of the OCEAN
   2. swallows itself with the dignity of someone being eaten by his own asshole
   3. because over-tanned mongoloids in ugly clothes are flammable
   4. like how aggressive people like crunchy snacks times a MILLION.
Mary, pull out now, please, I can't take it anymore.

Deus ex Mexican! Chooooiii.

Want Bukkalpyse, NOW.

badthings (#1,903)


hydeordie (#2,208)

There is a good chance I could wholeheartedly agree with you but…please take back what you said about nic cage. I will only ask nicely once.

Bittersweet (#765)

Nope. Too many suckfests. Dude can only coast on our Raising Arizona/Moonstruck/Con Air good will for so long.

hydeordie (#2,208)

Defense: his apocalypse movie everyone died. a 12 year old girl was also crying after it in the hallway but that's besides the point.

Bryan (#671)

SPOILER ALERT? The world gets destroyed in 2012? Did not see this coming.

gregorg (#30)

Ditto. I kind of wanted to be surprised. Otherwise, awesome.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Mary's parataxis feels great in your brain.

#56 (#56)

Brava! take a bow, young lady!

josh_speed (#97)

The trailer sounds like a Zamboni driving over a box of tambourines with 65 hot-air popcorn poppers on top.

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

and lo it is a euphonious din!

grandpa27 (#804)

More like Cacophonous crap.

gideonse (#2,209)

This is the best movie review ever written.

Cameron (#2,210)


Slapdash (#174)

It's so awesome it tops itself.

Andrew Dalton (#1,640)

A+! The Best! Post it on the fridge!

mathnet (#27)


No battlefield promotion was ever better deserved, Corporal Choi.

riotnrrd (#840)

Fuck yeah, Mary. I felt the same way about "Transformers 2" but the internet laughed at me. What do you expect from your Bays or your Emmerichs? You expect (and get) a sticky mouth full of death and giant robots and stupid, stupid dialogue. Sure, the plot sucks, but that's why you get high first and then top off with a quick one-hittie in the handicapped stall during the boring bits. Can't. Wait.

metoometoo (#230)

I smoked a bowl in the movie theater during Snakes on a Plane. I did slouch down in my seat a little bit.

HiredGoons (#603)

"It's seriously as close as you'll get to whatever David Carradine went looking for."

Jesus Christ Mary, I'd fuck you for that if I were straight.

Peteykins (#1,916)

Ew, tsk.

HiredGoons (#603)

I need a cigarette and a sammich after that.

Peteykins (#1,916)

Well, you were right about V!

I love Roland Emmerich's films. I've always surprised my fellow film snobs (Oh, and I am one of them!) by saying that I think Independence Day is a great film. They always say something like, "You mean great, like, entertaining, right?" and I just say, "No, I mean great, great, great."

I'm sure 2012 will be superb.

Bittersweet (#765)

Four best things about Independence Day:
1) Will Smith punching alien in face
2) Same alien talking through Data from Star Trek before dispatching him
3) Dog finally joins Viveca Fox in hidey hole before explosions hit
4) White House gets blown up
5) Houston nuked
6) Randy Quaid, the whole time

Never mind, I can't even limit it to 4, the whole thing rocks.

ljnd (#86)

2012 is all kinda awesome but Independence Day is THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME EVER.

arcadianhermit (#2,212)

Pauline Kael is rolling in her grave. With laughter.

Rod T (#33)

I'm planning to meet up with the guys (those people with the same hair, facial hair, and fashion predilections) to see this over the weekend. My question: Should I sneak a joint into the theater and smoke on that secret outdoor balcony that all the stoners know about or will smoking a bowl at my friends place nearby be sufficient to enjoy this?

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

oh man, the best would for sure be to EAT IT. If you can rustle up a batch of brownies or cookies that would for sure be the move. The bodyhigh element would be SO BOSS since there's so much gliding around and rollercoasterishPOVness.

WindowSeat (#180)

Would mushrooms be overkill?

Rod T (#33)

Honey, Daddy bakes. (My blueberry-lemon-almond magical cookies are the talk of, um, my people.)

There's always a batch at the ready in the freezer. EXCEPT RIGHT NOW because there are TOO MANY FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTIES these days.

Rod T (#33)

What's "overkill"? Is that like "roadkill"?

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

so mr townsend why is it exactly that you've yet to bake for me? you know i can eat the shit outta shit and bruh, blueberry lemon almond magical cookies sounds extra on some I NEED TO BIBLICALLY KNOW ABOUT THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW shit.

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

i mean, it depends on what you'd call overkill. are you ok with potentially never coming back? because maybe that feels good and you can send me a map in my dreams so i can get to where you're at.

Rod T (#33)

So you're basically advising candy flipping.

Cameron (#2,210)

I can't WAIT to see this documentary.

Rod T (#33)

Al Gore will get another Oscar for this one, fer shur.

I have a pretty good ear for words, I remember certain words, and I'm pretty sure "bukkake" is frequently used in your posts, Mary. Is there anything we should know?

slinkimalinki (#182)


Mary HK Choi (#1,469)


HiredGoons (#603)

*water out my nose

Slapdash (#174)

That is the second funniest thing I've seen today.

carpetblogger (#306)

I'd been sorta meh/meep on MHKC but I would totally go see this movie. Is it out now?

KenWheaton (#401)

I'm sold.

lululemming (#409)

I love all of this almost enough to excuse the use of"mongoloids".
*pulls wet blanket over self*

Ron Obvious (#351)

Mary, some career advice: if you hadn't been drafting such a long post, you would have been able to dodge Choire's index finger as it alighted on your shoulder and he anointed you Chief Film Critic by shouting: "You're IT! No take-backs!"

Dan Kois (#646)

I am excited I will have someone else to point to as a fellow true-believer when my review comes out tomorrow.

hockeymom (#143)

I will see this promptly, as I trust MHKC's taste completely.
However, I will use my 12 year old son as cover.

Abe Sauer (#148)

What? Take that child to a Favre vikings game. Despite being at the top of the division and in super bowl run form THEY CANNOT SELL OUT THEIR GAMES AND RISK BLACKOUT! What the hell is wrong with Minnesotans? Is it any wonder why Packers fans think vikings fans are a joke. Hell, by the time he's 20 Minnesota might nit even have an NFL team anymore…. sigh.

hockeymom (#143)

hmmmm….that child IS going to a Vikings game.
This Sunday.
And I've heard that blackout rant before. In my own home.


Abe Sauer (#148)

Better get Broadview just in case.

nnjg01 (#2,216)

God, that review was awesome. There's this dude I work with named Shaw and I'm going to show this to him tomorrow and if he doesn't laugh I'm gonna punch him in the throat. This movie will suck balls, however.

That guy's been asking for it anyway.

Jetpacks (#2,220)

I heard The Awl was like Gawker, Wonkette and Public School Intelligentsia rolled into one. Someone left out Heavy Metal magazine and The Holy Bible in that Breakfast Burrito of Awesome.

But even still, I'll wait 'til it's on the ABC Family Network in 2012. (Edited for television and formatted to fit my screen.)

JP!!!! Wooohoo!

unforeseeable (#2,158)

Ha, I heard The Awl was "a popular bear news aggregator" –

pourover (#1,309)

It is clear that the author of this entry rules the world, and we have only a limited time in which to line up and obey. After that, there will only be men here â€" need I say more. Mary is tougher than tough, and also probably lethal with the language of fans.

(Although, since I'm a fan, I ought to know something about that!)

Question: does HK stand for Heavul K'neavul?

michel_mishka (#1,566)

The only other time my groin has been so excited by a film review was when Choire reviewed that last Batman film. I think KarenUhOh hyperventilated in the comments.

Please tell me someone else remembers that? It doesn't appear to exist anymore, which, y'know, SHAME.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Pal, I hyperventilate in my fucking SLEEP.

That was the film review that paved the one for reviews like this one. The Dark Knight review was the 1968 of reviews. Love love love.

Late to respond, but it's here.

Bittersweet (#765)

Eeeeeeee, Choire that was made of awesome. Rex Reed should've stayed on vacation.

KarenUhOh (#19)

As for the film, please tell me that Red Buttons does not die this time from the Carol Lynley Volcanic Enema. Then maybe I'll see it with my face-eating chimp.

HelloTitty (#830)

You want to give Mary a promotion? Some single (or even double) digiter should give up their Awl number to her because for her Awl number to be 4 digits is just sick and wrong.

Baboleen (#1,430)

If everyone who reads this review goes to the movie then you, Mary HK Choi, will have done as much for our economy as say, maybe the Senate Banking Committee. Thank you.

OldBillyBaroo (#1,697)

gotta say, promoting Mary Choi was/is the right move since that FUCKING LOSER d.r. adams was kicked to the curb…er, "went on hiatus." video games and danzig, whatever, go suck it bryan adams and write another hit song with Sting or Tim McGraw why doncha.

seoulman (#2,226)

My first trip to the AWL and the only intelligent thing I can think of to say is,
"MARY! MARY! MARY! MARY!" (pump your fist and run around the office like you just won the freakin' lotto). I wasn't going to see this movie, but now, how can I not? Besides, I live in Canada in farm country just south of the Canadian Shield, the thickest piece of tectonically sound-ass iron on the planet. We'll survive and I'll be the first to welcome Mary and all of the AWL readers to their new home when you join me! "MARY! MARY! MARY! MARY!"

Skullbussa (#2,229)

Fuck, I didn't know we were confusing obnoxious Doubleshot-fueled showboating with "movie reviews". Terribly embarrassing & self-aggrandizing, Choi. You might want to slap a Smithee on this unlettered, shameful mess.

Atencio (#399)

I didn't realize we were confusing whatever it was you did while reading this article with "rational comprehension." The only thing embarrassing on this page is your comment.

BoHan (#29)

You might want to review Choi posts, and then critique some specific point in this one rather than being a f*cking b*tch who has unspecified dislikes. It's not showboating – it's her brain, and if I understand correctly all that Choire has taught me, it's about moving out of form, which is why she "showboats." 4 digit commenters are so 2011.

nnjg01 (#2,216)

Now you know.

Senor_Wences (#2,234)

Geeze, I have NOT been paying enough attention to this site. Please also promote Mary Choi to Chief King God Hitler of the whole fucking Awl thing, okay?

The Internet isn't entirely Photoshopped out of this film. Woody Harrelson tells John Cusack to "download my blog," which, you know, how do you do that. Hilarious.

Bittersweet (#765)

I think it has something to do with floppy disks.

balsa_wood (#465)

"WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?" has been the rallying cry around the opening weekend of pretty much every bad $200 million movie released since 2001. And, as we can see, movies have just never been better.

As humorous as this review is, as a filmmaker, I can't help but cry a little inside.

Marlow (#2,206)

this, I love~

Steverino (#2,240)

I am prepared to die at the hands of Mary Choi, which I will consider an honor: This movie looks fucking terrible, and no amount of irony will make me enjoy it.

Mindpowered (#948)

Any movie that lovingly shows L.A. getting ripped to shreds is guaranteed a 4 star review from a New Yorker.

p is for pee (#900)

Daughter: "No more Pull-Ups!"

Father: "Nice."

(the last two lines of the movie)

Natallia (#2,251)

I can’t wait to see this movie
Thanks Pattymelt!

TapeMonki (#4,054)

Mary, you are my hero.

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