Thursday, October 29th, 2009

Online Shoe Retail MONSTER's Newfangled Personalization Software is Janktastic

BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAEveryone knows that Zappos sold to Amazon for $900 million human 2009 dollars which makes the schadenfreude super spicy and causes pancreatic cancer. So it was extra eye-rolly that this site that doesn't even carry Nicholas Kirkwood is so special now and can be "helpful" to where it suggests other things you'd be interested in based on your selections. You know, that annoyingly aggressive thing that Amazon does where it insists that EVERY Tamilee Webb thing EVER is up your alley because ONE TIME you bought a Bowflex. So you can imagine how thrilling it was to find that this pump-slinging zapateria's shiny new function was BROKE. Shit is incorrect! It's SHODDY.

I selected these black rhinestone studded Alexander McQueen peep toes and they wanted me to get Clarks Un.jumps and Robert Clergerie platform mules. MULES! With a buckle. IN PATENT LEATHER. BAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. This totally made my day.

22 Comments / Post A Comment

mathnet (#27)

I really, really like you.

Flashman (#418)

No kidding! Imagine what it must be like inside her mind. Gooey and squishy, sure, but with all these crazy words bouncing around.
I'm basically reviewing design for a living now too, but how I *wish* I were able to say that some bullshit office building proposal for Gatineau, PQ should be 'killed dead with fire, and then doused with holy water.'

slinkimalinki (#182)

"drenched with rhinestones"? is that the verb for rhinestone dispersal?

HiredGoons (#603)

I think so, yes.

Not sure about English, but it's bedazzlerüngen in German.

They know your feet are going to hurt the next day after you have been dancing all night in those McQueen pumps. They also think you might be hung over and not very steady.

Bittersweet (#765)

Wow, nothing says "Dolly Parton wannabe" like those Clergerie mules. Wonder if that was the vibe he was going for.

RocketSurgeon (#1,632)

But you could get 7.4 pairs of Clarks for the price of the McQueens. They're just trying to give you value for money.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Would ClUggs count as tax-deductible occupational workwear?

josh_speed (#97)

Did you guys read this thing about Mariah Carey with her fugged up cameo role in the 'Precious' movie? The director said she had been wearing towering pumps for so many years her heels are like, permanently lifted off the ground and her feeet are arched that way, like for good. So the director had to keep walking up behind her and pushing her down by the shoulders so that her feet would actually contact the floor when she walked.

Womens' shoes–and I know this is not an original thought–seem designed to cause pain…

RocketSurgeon (#1,632)

This same thing happened to my friend's grandmother. Couldn't wear flats. Literally vacuumed the house in heels like Donna Reed.

afarerkind (#379)

But this is somehow awesome.

afarerkind (#379)

That is horrifying.

Maevemealone (#968)

I knew a guy once who said men like women in heels, and thus, men design heels for women, because a woman can't run away in them. How sick is that?

Mindpowered (#948)

Oh, their not designed to prevent running. It's crushing things.


cherrispryte (#444)

Also because heels force you to stick out your butt and tits in order to balance!

I hate heels, and think they are bad for women. (Choose your choice, though!)

I like being able to run away from men. Is that wrong?

I've witnessed this phenomenon…and you can too! Barneys shoe floor.

Dave Bry (#422)

Tamilee Webb looks like Carrot Top.

HiredGoons (#603)

What a Croc.

NicFit (#616)

That's like $450 per shoe. Unthinkable!

#56 (#56)

yeah, so how much is the awl paying these days?

Kataphraktos (#226)

I love Mary HK Choi Day at The Awl. After a long, hard day of talking to investors, lawyers and consultants, I know I can come here, relax with a big fat dirty fucking martini or three, and lose myself in this wondrous fluff.

And, lest I be misunderstood again, that's a total fucking compliment.

You need to make mutant spawn with Garrison Dean of io9, only he already found someone to carry his seed. Another opportunity to create Khan Noonien Singh washed away :(

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