Thursday, October 15th, 2009
12

Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines, with Edith Zimmerman

MILEY: DEAD OR ALIVE?Short and Sweet
I really enjoyed reading Johanna Cox's article "Get Shorty" [August 2009]. I think I must have married one of the only straight men who actually prefers short hair. Ms. Cox and others have to ask themselves why they would desire a man who is that superficial. The great thing about hair: It grows back.
Kristina, Easton, MD (Glamour, November 2009)

I don't mean to brag, but my husband doesn't care what I look like. He's like, "Nope, doesn't matter." I'll be like, "How do I look, Dave?" and he'll be like, "I don't know-not looking, can't hear you." Seriously, he'll be like, "Do whatever, leave me alone, I don't give a shit," and I'm like, "Yaaay!" My husband's the man!
Eleanor T., Tarrytown, NY



Reader of the Month!
When I read of Nina Garcia's interminable supply of vintage Chanel jackets, of course I was wildly jealous-who wouldn't be? But they're well deserved. Kudos to MC on fusing fun fashion with thought-provoking articles. September's issue was amazing.
Joan M., New York, NY (Marie Claire, November 2009)

It must feel nice for Nina G. to have so many jackets. Just the greatest feeling of all, I bet. Not that I'd know, of course-I only have a couple jackets, because I don't deserve any more. Nope, I'm just a nasty old jacketless asshole, trundling along in life's gutters, hoping that every once in a while, maybe even just once, just one time in my shitty, throw up-stained life, that a gorgeous wonderful lady might toss her most hideous, pus-crusted, shit-soaked old jacket down to poor old pitiful me, a sniveling little troll monster, all alone in her filthy revolting world.
Amanda Kemper, Burlington, VT



Where Has Your Glamour Been?
(Under a photo of two women holding a copy of Glamour up to a street sign)
Here we are on a weekend trip to Glam Road in Clarke's Beach, Newfoundland. How sweet is that?!
Meghan M. and Keely W., St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada (Glamour, November 2009)

After this picture was taken, me and my friend stood in silence for hours while the air dried out our eyeballs, bugs crawled up our nose, and pee slid silently down our legs. Sometimes it's hard to think of things to do, so we'll just stand still and let things happen to us-one time a bird pecked me in the face and then pooped in my mouth.
Letitia F. and Lisa T., Jackson, MS




Miley Milestone
If I were interested in Miley Cyrus' life, I would turn to the pages of Seventeen or Tiger Beat, not the fashion pages of ELLE. As for her photo spread, Miley should stick to wearing jeans, flip-flops, and a Mickey Mouse T-shirt. Please remember that the majority of ELLE's audience is over the age of 18 and relates to women like Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Aniston, not the immature life of a Hollywood teenybopper.
Jody, Marlton, NJ (Elle, October 2009)

This isn't a big deal, but if I had to pick whether Miley Cyrus was alive or dead, I guess I'd say dead. Just kidding, I mean, I don't really care, obviously, it's just if I had to pick. But then also, if I had to choose what happened to her body once she was dead, just like, a typical fate or something different happening, such as her corpse breeds a bunch of rabid brain maggots that make her crawl out of the ground looking all busted and sick, so someone has to kill her again super quickly-I mean, I'd have to think about it, and honestly it could go either way, but probably the maggots.
Jessica S., via e-mail




Stepping Out With Mom
What a lovely piece! I refuse to feel bad for traveling, dining, and talking to my mom into the early morning hours instead of doing these things with a man. He'll come later. I will "date" my mom for as long as I have her around.
Leah B., Los Angeles, CA (Marie Claire, November 2009)

I'm proud to do things with my mom that most women would prefer to do exclusively with a man. Let me say it again: I do things with my mom that most people DON'T want to do with their moms, because they only do it with men, and they wouldn't want their moms involved at all, in any way, and it would make them sick to imagine their moms being part of it. But me and my mom, we're doing these things with each other, all the time. Was that clear? I wonder if it was clear enough, and really I'm still not sure, but my mom's right here, as usual, so I'll just ask her. Mommy? My queen? My female lord?
Amanda J., Scarsdale, NY



Previously: Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines

Edith Zimmerman is a writer and editor living in Brooklyn.

12 Comments / Post A Comment

Bettytron (#575)

I want to try to write a comment that doesn't sound like a gushing letter to the editor but I'm having trouble, because this feature is SO GOOD.

Steve (#1,777)

Please remember that the majority of ELLE’s audience … relates to women like Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Aniston….

Enjoy that nugget for a while. (And that's not even from the fantastic response!)

Bittersweet (#765)

No kidding. Invokes a physical response similar to the Miley maggots.

hazmathilda (#839)

Ooh it's extra gross this time! Love.

maebefunke (#154)

Miley Cyrus is a pox upon readers of both Elle and Seventeen. Maggots, obvs.

Meeg (#309)

I just almost had a heart attack thinking that one of the letter's was from my mom.

Mmmmmm, this column is like buttah.

brad (#1,678)

more like fried butter.

shot up your ass with a pneumatic cannon.

not that i've ever thought about what that would feel like.

You're the man, Zims!

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Everybody should go read the stories on her website. — These parodies are perfection-in-desperation (even if still not as gross-funny as the originals) and when I read them I think I hear Edith Z saying: If you are really going to represent your readers as that stupid, Miss Letters Editor, then there is no limit to how far parody can and must go.

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

STRONGLY AGREE. I stalk the shit outta her web site.

hellohello (#2,203)

My female lord. Soooo good.

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