Thursday, October 1st, 2009

Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines, with Edith Zimmerman

TAYLOR, SWIFTKeep It Real, Taylor!
The jeans issue with Taylor Swift caught my eye ["Bombshell in Blue Jeans," August 2009]. I was so inspired when she talked about the challenges she overcame to get where she is today; it convinced me that my dreams aren't worth giving up on.
Samantha G., Sarasota, FL (Glamour, October 2009)

Do you guys dream in color? Me, I dream in silent black-and-white squigglies, but they make me laugh. Dreams-where do they come from? I guess that's one question we'll never know the answer to. Not until we can invent tiny cameras that go in our heads.
Kristy J., Atlanta

Where Has Your Glamour Been?
On my honeymoon in Peru, I took my Glamour with me to Machu Picchu-a long train ride. Later I passed the magazine on to a Peruvian woman I met on the train who was learning English.
Christeen M., Denver (Glamour, October 2009)

On my honeymoon in Peru, I passed my copy of Glamour on to a Peruvian woman who was learning English-but just for a sec, and then I threw it out the window. "What? Oh, you wanted that?" I said. "Well boo hoo, you rotten old idiot, there's such a thing as buying your own shit, you stupid moron." That dumb foreign idiot!
Ginger F., via e-mail

Berry smart
I love blueberries, but I didn't realize they had so many health benefits until I read "Go Blue for a Younger You." Now I can eat handfuls of the fruit and feel great about it.
katyterberg, via (Self, October 2009)

You know how they're always saying to throw all your blueberries directly into the garbage? Well I'm like, "Nope, no way, I'm gonna eat these tiny blue pieces of fruit, and if you're not gonna eat yours, give 'em to me 'cause I'll eat 'em. I'll do it right now, too, right in front of you." Gotta give it up for the bluest fruit on the planet!
Darlene O'Brien, Chattanooga, TN

Diet Dilemmas Solved
I am appalled by "Wellness Diaries" [Fall Makeover 2009]. The diets are anything but healthy. Isn't it bad enough that society glorifies women who are underweight? It is unrealistic to adhere to a diet like Ji Baek's, which consists of champagne and one meal a day.
Anna Moreno, via (InStyle, October 2009)

You know who my diet icon is? A daddy long legs spider. Fucking thin as fuck. Are you fat dumps jealous? You should be, you lard fucks. You guys, I'm so skinny I look like thread. Like a fucking string of thread, you assholes. You could use me to sew up your assholes if you wanted, I'm such a fucking slender queen. Fuck, you guys, I'm so skinny I look like what someone who died a few years ago would look like if you dug up their bones, you fat whales, you fat monster beasts. Oh my God, you guys don't even know.
Dana J., Denver

Blue-Eyed and Beautiful
I was excited to see Zooey Deschanel featured in the August issue's "For the Love of Country." I give you kudos for showcasing such an underrated actress and musician. She has nice blue eyes, and I'm glad that they were made the focus with such amazing photography.
Juliette G., Vancouver, B.C. (InStyle, October 2009)

My top 10 favorite colors are, in order: red, pink, purple, orange, yellow, blue, pale blue, green, black and brown. White is not a color, so don't ask me what I'd rank it! And what if you did ask me? I wouldn't respond.
Lisa K., Dallas

Summer lovin'
Zooey Deschanel's "31 Days of Summer" is posted on my wall so I can cross off her ideas as I try them. Dining alfresco, running under a sprinkler and air-drying my hair are as rewarding as I thought they'd be. I can't wait to see what Deschanel is up to next!
Kathryn P., Getzville, NY (Self, October 2009)

Zooey Deschanel's "31 Days of Summer" is posted on my wall so I can rub my hands against it as often as I want. I trimmed off most of the text so it's pretty much just her face. I've also been licking the eyes, so those are almost entirely worn away as well. What a great article, thank you!
Allison Fruiterson, Las Vegas

Beneath the Seams
I absolutely loved "The Fashion Insider's Diet" [August]. The whole time I was reading it, I felt like I was getting the juicy backstage scoop on what the real Devil Wears Prada crowd eats (or doesn't eat). Fascinating! I'd like to read more pieces like this.
Kaytee D., Escondido, CA (Allure, October 2009)

What do you guys eat, food or sticks? I eat food, but recently I've been looking into sticks. What do you think other people eat, food or sticks? And how long would these sticks be, like five inches? Six? I imagine a six-inch stick would be easier to sell: "I've got Six-Inch Sticks! Six-Inch Sticks for sale! Who wants a Six-Inch Stick?" Guess I answered my own question!
Jenny Jimble, Somerville, MA

Previously: Letters to the Editor of Women's Magazines

Edith Zimmerman is a writer and editor living in Brooklyn.

30 Comments / Post A Comment

"Berry smart." That's a good one.

Ha ha ha!

Ah, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

wiilliiaamm (#225)

I just swooned at the jazziness of this whole post. Edith made my afternoon.

saythatscool (#101)

This is so fucking funny. I cannot control myself. I think I need to go punch my secretary now.

saythatscool (#101)

I just googled you and you're hot too! You are the full package m'lady. If I was impotent and high, I'd be on a plane out to Brooklyn right now.

saythatscool (#101)

Your website hilarious too! Nice! Don't worry, I won't stalk you.

Just as long as you agree to send me your fingernail clippings and used tissues in the mail. Also, I just printed out a huge blow up of you face pic so my keeshond can wear it around the house like a mask and remind me of you.

Seriously, bee's knees. I am getting enthusiastic about my imaginary relationship with you.

saythatscool (#101)

Just read my second post, I meant "If I wasn't impotent and high…"

Ehh, it was a lame joke anyway.

But you are funny.

dorothy (#1,694)

Oh god this is so great on so many levels, ooooooh, I can't even leave a coherent comment because it's not going to be .00001% as fantastic as this feature. Please never stop doing this, Edith. Thank you!

Dorothy, Greenpoint

hello, edith! you are so great! this is also very great. i am further glad that you are now able to write off ladies' mags as a tax-deductible expense. fantastic!

Sloane Crosley (#1,773)

This is brilliant.

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

YAY Edith! I love this. SOOO FUNNY. I love that today started off with not knowing I would get this and now I have this. Thank you. This column makes me cry tears.

tiny dancer (#1,774)

I haven't laughed this hard since last week's column. I'm too busy wiping the tears away to come up with anything else. thank you.

Jasmine (#8)

I hope that was THE Sloane Crosley saying you're brilliant because that would be flattering. Also, TRUE.

HiredGoons (#603)

You write things, and the things you write are funny!

carpetblogger (#306)

dis some funny shit.

missdelite (#625)

Jezebel would LOVE this.

toadvine (#1,698)

The best part is that someone editing women's magazines finds it wholly credible that the same person might write in with a "Keep it Real" Taylor sentiment and then properly use a semi-colon (OK, maybe it should have been a regular colon, but still, it's pretty close).

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

OK, I left and had to come back because "What do you think other people eat, food or sticks?" keeps popping up in my head and makes me ROAR.

Bittersweet (#765)

I used to live in Somerville, MA and can confirm that there are, indeed, women running around Davis Square yelling "Who Wants a Six-Inch Stick?"

Dana J. = saythatscool

Hey Christeen M. from Denver, you're so like cultured. However, your new hubby was "helping that Peruvian woman with her English" while you read your Glamour.

saythatscool (#101)

Well I do look like I died a few days ago…

I bet your jeans fit great. Congrats!

I think we should film 'reaction videos' to the column. I snort and squeal and make ugly joy faces from the laughter.

Bonnie (#1,782)

This is so up my f-ing alley.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Dear Ms. Zimmermann,

Do Darlene and Wendy know each other very well, up there in Chattanooga?

Sincerely yours,
C. Rock City
Dalton, GA

Tulletilsynet (#333)

PS Great satire! But I don't get the italic parts.

sn (#1,789)

Laughed so hard at this I think I woke up my next door neighbor! Keep this up. Try mens magazines too!

Trevor Jackson (#1,792)

Long-time reader, first-time commenter. More of this, please.

ADRIAN (#1,676)

This is like the "Saturday Night Live" or "The Office" (the British one, duh) of women's magazine letters to the editor spoofs. Good job!

davidwatts (#72)

Dear Edith –

When I read your column, I started laughing. I don't laugh much these days, not since the beatings. Mostly men beat women in the movies, but it's not always that way. If everything in the movies was real, though, whoo boy, I'd have probably left three women at the altar by now and be training for a marathon or something. My father used to run marathons in the '80s, which you wouldn't believe if you were to see him now. Speaking of now, I should go buy some puff pastry. See you soon, I hope!


Mindpowered (#948)


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