New Jersey Republican Chris Christie appeared on Don Imus’ radio program this morning and addressed Gov. Jon Corzine’s not-so-subtle attempts at suggesting Christie is perhaps carrying a bit too much weight. “If you’re going to do it, at least man up and say I’m fat,” Christie said of the governor. “Afterwards he wusses out and says ‘no, no, no. I didn’t mean that I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Man up. If you say I’m fat, I’m fat. Let’s go. Let’s talk about it.” Christie then proceeded to discuss the issue. Partial transcript follows.
CHRISTIE: If you’re going to do it, at least man up and say I’m fat. Afterwards he wusses out and says “no, no, no. I didn’t mean that I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Man up. If you say I’m fat, I’m fat. Let’s go. Let’s talk about it.
CHRISTIE: See, the thing is, I’m a big fat man. I am super-fucking fat. When Japanese people see me they shout “Sumo!” When I roll out of bed in the morning, my floor screams “Oh no!” while my bed yells, “Thank God!” My suits are made from discarded tarps used to keep baseball fields dry during rainouts. Sweet mother of Christ, I am a fat fuck.
IMUS: About your pledge to lower taxes –
CHRISTIE: I’m sorry, Don, I can’t hear you over the massive rolls of flab that undulate about my body in an arrhythmic fashion. [Chewing sounds.] Oh, excuse me, I just ate an entire birthday cake in one bite. Is it my birthday? Fuck no. I was just hungry. I needed to fill my fat belly with more fat-making cake. If I were in a boy band, I’d be Joey Fatone. You know what my favorite time of the day is?
IMUS: Uh, lunch?
CHRISTIE: No, but you’re close. My favorite time of the day is just after lunch, when I have a snack. It’s a bucket of Triscuits covered in Cheeze Whiz and rainbow sprinkles. I will knock that bitch back in a minute tops, and then eat the bucket. I am fat. If I were a legal decree handed down by an Islamic religious scholar, I’d be a fatwa. When I sit around the house, I get so hungry that I eat the house. We’ve moved eight times in the last two weeks.
IMUS: I think we’re running out of –
CHRISTIE: Running out of what? Delicious bacon? Savory crepes? Glazed donuts? Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty here in my kitchen. And the good thing is that they’re all at chest-level, because the last time I tried to reach my meaty arms over my globular head they got caught in my massive neck rolls and we had to use the Jaws of Life to get them out. Holy lord, I am an obese piece of shit. If I were a bullshit disease, I’d be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
IMUS: Chris Christie, everyone. Thanks for being on the show.
CHRISTIE: [Sound of a large pizza pie placed on top of another large pizza pie and then being folded in half and devoured, followed by muffled sobs.]