From time to time, The Awl offers its space to ordinary citizens who have insight into the issues of the day. Here is a missive from a fellow who wishes to remain anonymous, due to his stupendous dong.

My penis is weighing me down more than usual. Last week, I was in Soho House, a hot spot frequented by high-end snapes and ludeheads, including lots of famous and rich people, which is not at all germane to my story. Whilst knocking down some very thin and therefore weak women to get to the bar for a drink, I was seized by a strange gentleman who proceeded to drop to his knees and forcibly teabag himself through my pants on my nethers. Strangely, this was the second time this had happened to me this afternoon! Men are just driven mad by my ample genitalia. It's guess it's sort of considered okay for men to grope me in the club, but what about when I want to go without underwear whilst in linen? What then? And what's worse than all this constant, unwanted attention, in light of Paris fashion week just having concluded? The clothing industry refuses to dress me and my oversize proportions. I just wish Calvin Klein would take into consideration all the junk I have to shove into my pants. But the fact of the matter is obviously the only time that men now see enormous packages is on the pages of porn magazines and movies, and occasionally during testicular cancer awareness month.