Scientists at Yosemite National Park have studied the local black bear population and discovered that the animals are able to identify minivans and more likely to tear them apart, the better to access the sweet, sweet snacks left by human passengers within. I am telling you, now that these animals can use tools and make inferences on food quantities based on vehicle size, it is not long before they will RULE US ALL. Our future is one of brutal enslavement at the hands of bears, who will probably be super-rich cyborgs.
Monday, October 26, 2009
22
I smell a Battle-for-Earthly-Supremacy movie treatment here.
Of course, I'm also standing next to an open trashcan in the woods.
I guess the phrase 'smarter than the average bear' has lost its relevancy.
Or has relevancy lost its relevance?
ugh, try to stay on topic.
Yoseeite already has their so-called "mugger bears," who jump out at hikers knowing said hikers have been taught to drop their backbacks and flee, thereby leaving behind a backpack full of yummies, which the bear of course eats. So, inter-species was has begun, and the bears are winning.
Yeah, but you don't even have to hike. There's that whole gang of vagrant bears who sleep behind that one grocery store near one set of Cabins. And the minute you walk out, they do want your food, not your liquor.
When parking your crumb filled minivan in Yosemite, always be sure to sprinkle the sedan next to you with yummy marshmallows.
Bears need to put down the snacks and eat better -- leafy greens are much healthier, as are housecats.
oh, yeah, but housecats are smart enough to form an alliance with the bears. whereas cheetos just kind of sit there.
Were that to happen, it would tear the founding editors apart. And it would be all your fault.
As a semi-regular habitue of the great Yosemite...I can tell you that it is obvious that a memo went out to the wild animal world and told them that the gig to get is in Yosemite...if its not the clever bears and their ability to tear up a mini van...its the morbidly obese chipmunks and squirrels and their surly attitude that are a little unnerving (seriously they are HUGE).
Nothing like our slender, gray, chain-smoking New York squirrels.
You're one lucky son of a bitch!
Death to minivans.
I say it's the cupholders. Minivans have a higher ratio of cupholders per cubic foot. All that splashed soda. Sticky yum-yum.
Now if we could only find a demographic of mini-van drivers who tend to leave their kids in the car and encourage them to go to national parks, and...well, my life would be a hell of a lot cheerier, for one thing.
I think we might be underestimating bears (again.) What if it's not about food at all? Maybe bears are just so awesome that they know how lame minivans are. They're just like, "Aerostar? Let's trash it!" Meanwhile, waiting for the footage of bears lovingly polishing boss '64 Mustang with their big furry paws.
The article* mentions a few more factors beside the superior intelligence of our future bear overlords. For one, the minivans were more likely to be driven by dumbasses that ignored safety warnings about leaving food the in the car. For another, minivans are frequently used to transport the offspring of said dumbasses, and kids love to shellac themselves in delicious foodstuffs, leaving behind a minivan redolent of juice boxes and happy meals.
Lastly, the minivans might be easier to break into; the rear side window is singled out as a vulnerability. Although that implies the bears learned about said vulnerability and began to exploit it, which brings us back to problem number one, especially if our side is a bunch of dumbasses that can't design a bear-proof minivan to transport our candy-coated children. Continue panicking.
*The Journal of Mammalogy article, not the msnbc one
Thank god they are not flying laser hockey bears.
yet.
A bear came in my campsite a few years back on a backpacking trip. We couldn't get the food hung b/c it was too dark. The bear feasted. It found the big summer sausage we had, and removed not only the plastic but the wax paper on it as well. Smart bear.
Bears are smart. People cannot stop jawing about them, and then people go around with Cheetos like HAAAAY. And bears think "We did this all without McKinsey."
This does not bode well for Scooby, Shaggy et al.