"It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he'd already paid me. But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job."
-Darwin waitress Allyson White denies speculation that she was performing oral sex on the driver of a car that crashed last week in Australia's Northern Territory. [Please click through, this is far from the best quote in the article.]
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
28
"Head job"? So unpoetic. Savages.
I'm also a little surprised they censor anything in their newspapers. They are a vulgar people.
Best unintentional euphemism for sex ever? "They decided to go back to a friend's place in Humpty Doo."
"Going to Humpty Doo" is the new "Hiking the Appalachian Trail"
The best unintentional euphemism for sex ever is in the lede, and only requires minor repunctuation: "A WOMAN accused of performing a sexual act on a man (when he crashed) in Darwin's rural area..."
Hmm, based on my CSI-level forensics analysis abilities, I'd say a hand job was still within the realm of possibility. All this fellatio denial is just a smokescreen!
I'd also like to point out that this story appears to have been published in the Northern Territory News "Only In The Territory" section, indicating that the Northern Territory is filled with filth and human degredation even by Prison Island's low standards.
Note to our new Australian mates here at the Awl: Jfruh is just teasing. I believe I speak for all Americans when I say we join you in your love of blow and hand jobs!!
Even those of us who don't drive!
Humpty Doo!
She WORKED at the Humpty Doo Tavern!
Maybe this is just viral marketing for Chronic City?
Already been stated by jfruh, but $5 seems about right for a backcountry hand job. Certainly qualifies as "amorous activities"...
I cannot possibly pick a favorite aspect of this story.
I think it's Ms. White's photo.
Caption under her photo.
But she looks so classy in the photo with her cigarette and the beer bottle in front of her.
So much for what happens in Humpty Doo staying in Humpty Doo.
Other recent stories from that paper include:
- Shaggin' wagon: Couple caught 'at it' in police car
- Fill 'er up: Couple filmed having sex at servo
- Thin crust: 4-year-old 'held ransom' for pizza
- Video: Ssslippery surprise in the S-bend
- Croc v Shark: Jaw-dropping result
So, best paper ever.
I will be emailing them my resume, immediately!
"Headless Body in Topless Bar"...and what not.
"How gentile."
"Darwin's rural area" = the losing end of natural selection
For a country with towns like Wagga Wagga and Toowoomba, I'm kind of surprised (and disappointed?) they're called 'boobs' there also.
I love "dick" get's censored but not "Dirty Bitch".
They have a whole continent.
*shudder*
My vote goes for the picture caption:
BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION
"The driver was charged with drink driving after allegedly blowing .147 per cent"
so...there was fellatio or not? I'm confused...
Also: "ute" is an abbr. of "Utility" as in "Sport Utility Vehicle," for all y'all lackin' in antipodal knowledge...
Oh, you think it's funny now?
Get an Australian to read it aloud to you.
I'm so glad you guys have Balk on the important dual "Blowjob" and "Blowjob Denials" beat... a role he was truly born to play.
Please note that not all Australians speak and behave like this woman. She is what we here in Oz refer to as a "bogan" which would be the US version of "white trash" or "redneck" and the UK equivalent of a "chav".
We are not "a vulgar people" or "savages" but (thank god) we are also not a continent of pompous twits either.