So remember how we were worried that our dear MC was maybe dunzo 'cause she doesn't/can't sing how she used to? Now, I'm no musical genius but I was always impressed how this halfie could make us all blinky and clean 'cause her mighty voice could slough dead epithelial cells off your face.

But even though, these days, Mariah sings more like air-conditioning, I think she's amazing and also important. I mean, her album drops today (*as we pretend we didn't all rush to mediafire that shit Friday when it leaked*) and it's called MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT ANGEL. It's like, she's all, 'Hey guys, we've been friends for a LONG time and really, since I'm married and happy and got this awesome dietician who taught me about strawberries, I have something totally meaningful to tell you. Now, I know I'm straight-up beatific and incandescent with baby Jesus glory but yo, I'm flawed and girl, do I have stories, child.'

I love that she TOLD US because it makes us feel like a good friend because we knew the WHOLE TIME and SHE DIDN'T KNOW WE KNEW. Which brings me to some lyrics on the album which are also way important for humanity.

It's got rhythmic taunts like:
"I'm a la la la la la right in your face, boy."

And exchanges like:
"You're like, 'Where you been?' 'Sorry, but I fell asleep on Jasmine's sofa. I could've sworn Rae Rae called you and told you.'"

And seriousness like:
"This is for real, for real. Oprah Winfrey whole segment-for real, for real."

And braggadocio typically reserved for southern rappers under 16, like:
"You're a mom and pop. I'm a corporation."

And pining for magical time-control powers like Edie from Out of This World or maybe closer to Click, that horrible movie with Adam Sandler where he has that one universal remote:
"I wish I could press reset/I sit and press rewind/Wanna pause it but I can't make it stay."

See? Case closed. Cop it.