It was bound to happen that me and Heather Locklear's proud semi-hometown of Thousand Oaks would end up in the news for an act of politically-motivated cannibalism. (Heather went to Newbury Park High School. That means she is a slut! I went to Thousand Oaks middle school, which was an idyllic place of breezeways and white people-the kind of middle school where the librarian got upset because I was reading The Color Purple, inappropriately adult material. You know, no matter that it won the Pulitzer that year! Idiots.) Thousand Oaks was actually created by a corporation, by the way! The Janss family, real estate developers, made the massive town out of a charming, bunny-infested chaparral valley, and gave the streets names like "Avenida de Los Arboles," which-really, white people? There's something odd about a town that hates Mexicans yet gives the streets "classy" Spanish names, no? Also, they were big on cul-de-sacs. So now, yes, a "65-year-old man had his finger bitten off Wednesday evening at a health care rally in Thousand Oaks."

What happened was, an opponent of health care reform punched someone in favor of health care reform. The person who likes health care, and socialism, retaliated by biting off the attacker's finger. Which I am sort of in favor of! This is America, bro! If you come and punch me, I will bite your finger off. I mean, right? This is why we can carry guns in Arizona and stuff.

This was totally a long time coming. Here's a fun fact! The corner where this health care demonstration was taking place was a fairly busy thoroughfare at the corner of the immense, hideous, life-sucking mall, surrounded by immense landscapes of parking lot. That mall had a really awesome arcade, at which I seem to recall briefly playing, poorly, Gorf. Heh.

Here is a first-person account:

The man in the orange shirt hit the pro-reform guy (I'm going to call him PR Guy just to keep the players straight). Hard. ( tweeted in real time) He punched him in the face, knocked him to the ground and into that thruway. As you can see from the photo, cars drive straight through that without stopping. The pro-reform guy could have been run over. He got up, tried to get back up on the curb, but Orange Shirt guy was in his face. Finger in his face, PR Guy standing, steps up to the curb, and there's a scuffle. Orange shirt seemed to have PR Guy in a hold, but again, I was across the street, so won't state that as absolute fact. Next thing I see is PR Guy's hat being tossed into the street, both yelling at one another, then Orange shirt walks away, PR Guy picks up hat and crosses to our side.

When he gets to our side, he tells a story in one sentence: "He punched me hard, straight in the face, so I bit his finger off."

Anyway, someone is in the hospital now, and isn't that Alanic.