When I was growing up on the New Jersey shore, my local newspaper was The Asbury Park Press. A fine local newspaper. When I was in high school, the Press had, like many small papers, a weekly Police Blotter, reporting recent arrests and criminal activity. Needless to say, having one's name appear in the Police Blotter was a great boon to one's social-status. Today, browsing the various sections of the APP website, I noticed that the Police Blotter has been renamed. It is now apparently called "Jersey Mayhem."
The title is written on a banner made to look like yellow police tape, with a subhead describing it as "Crime news from around the Shore and beyond." Among today's top stories: "Police: Woman assaulted after confronting car burglar in Ocean Twp." Also: "100+ catalytic converters reported stolen in Marlboro."
And? "Police: 2 pounds of marijuana found in car after Tinton Falls traffic stop." Hey now!
This got me thinking. First of all, the name "Jersey Mayhem," wherever or whenever it is written, needs an exclamation point or three. It also seems kind of redundant. (Is there really any other kind of mayhem?) Secondly, is it not a bit irresponsible of the newspaper's editors? Like, why not just call it, "The Hot List" or "People Who Are Totally Awesome And Radical Like Tommy Lee" (who was originally supposed be from New Jersey, but is not.) Or maybe just, "What Are You, Scared?"
Here in Kansas City, a similar thing has happened, but in a different tone. The Star has put most of its police blotter-type info onto one of its blogs, called the "Crime Scene," wherein the trials and horror stories of the area are mocked and put on display for further humiliation.
Thing is, most of these stories can't be found anywhere else in the Star's paper or its website, and though the information provides relevant examples of various institutional failings, all investigative reporting or sense of the bigger picture has been excised.
Which is to say, instead of "What Are You Scared," we have "This Place Is A Shithole". And the local reveals the town's miserable perception of itself.
Crime blotters are never not wonderful, particularly when they're written in total straight man style. Personal faves:
1. "Marijuana and tinted windows"
... "Police pulled over the car of Robert Harlow, 21, of New Haven, at the corner of Congress Avenue and Daggett Street. After Harlow rolled-down his window to talk with police, a gust of marijuana smoke rushed out of the smoke-filled interior of Harlow's car.
2. "Branford Halloween happenings"
Early Friday morning, at around 12:20 a.m., police reported to a courtyard in Branford College in response to complaints that people were knocking over garbage cans and pulling out shrubs, Patten said.
Police said the suspects all wore dark clothing.
One of the suspects was wearing horns.
No arrests were made.
Yes that is how you do it!
JERSEY MAYHEM!!!
Ocean Grove: New house totally built to look like it's old!
Bradley Beach: Dine and dash suspect totally thought mom was in the bathroom and was going to pay, but she had a headache and went home and dad thought she'd paid and took Scooter for a walk!
can the awl please have more hot tattoo nipple-biting pics, please, please??
Can The Awl please not have more tattoo nipple-biting pics, please, please?!? I already need eye bleach for this one.
Why does it hurt when I see?
Turns out Ron here's website has what I was looking for (more or less)
I know, it's terrible!
Cape Mayhem
and then it's a short trip to Cape Mayhem Court House
Ocean Grave