I asked Balk to put together a voter's guide for today, but he was too lazy to do it, because he doesn't care about helping you make decisions. But I care! So this morning I walked by my polling place, and there was a nice woman handing out literature at the appropriate 100-foot or whatever distance. She was working for Rosie Mendez, the Puerto Rican lesbian city councilmember who grew up in the Williamsburg projects. "I'm voting for whoever is going to annoy Mike Bloomberg the most. Will your candidate do that?" I asked. "Oh, Rosie will do that," this woman promised. Okay, then I'm in! Let the Awl endorsements begin.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Leslie Crocker Snyder, a former judge, did not figure out the death penalty was a bad thing until last year. We trust her about as far as we can throw her. And let me tell you: it is really difficult to get me to vote against a woman. I am a lady-voter through and through. Richard Aborn, whose platform is basically "black people are getting screwed in New York," and "let us legalize the marijuana, and reform the juvenile courts, and divert people into treatment," is the best candidate, but is considered unlikely to win. Worst case scenario: vote-splitting between Aborn and Cy Vance, who is far more likely to win. We endorse Richard Aborn, but with practical trepidation.

PUBLIC ADVOCATE
This is rough. Mark Green, well, we can't face that again. Norman Siegel, G-d bless him and his love for the First Amendment, is far too in love with the sound of his own voice. This leaves us with some hard choices. Bill de Blasio, Hillary Clinton's Senate campaign manager, is the obvious choice-but we can't vote for him, as he was an Atlantic Yards proponent. In the end, the process of elimination leaves us to endorse Eric Gioia, the glad-handing, baby-kissing monster from out of Queens. The good thing about this ambitious little critter is his ambition: he does understand that the way to climb to the top over anyone in his way is to have things to brag about. So our reasoning is that he'll actually do things, just so he can be the White House whatever in 2018.

COMPTROLLER
We endorse David Yassky. This is not an easy decision! One factor that swayed us was the intense lobbying performed by the Freelancer's Union. He is also sort of really annoying? But then, all the candidates for this position are irritating, especially John Liu. (Sorry!)

DISTRICT 2
The Awl offices are proudly located in District 2, which is were we endorse Rosie Mendez, because, hayyyy, Puerto Rican lesbian who annoys Bloomberg.

MAYOR
We endorse anyone but Michael Bloomberg, who should not be running in this election. Bill Thompson, unfortunately, has not shown that he can operate a campaign, much less City Hall, which is just sad. We may write in the Naked Cowboy, or vote the Communist Party line. Most likely, we will write in John Lindsay.